Giving up on one sided friendship

[Xenia13]

When you realize your best friend was never your friend at all.
I had a best friend for the last 20 years.
She has been through a lot over the years and I always was there for her. She’s had break ups, abusive relationships, loss of parents and I dropped everything to be there for her during those times.
We would speak on the phone numerous times a day and I felt she was more like my sister than a friend.
Over the year though there was a pattern, every time a man came into her life she would disappear. Calls stopped, invites to go out stopped would be lucky to get the odd text. This has happened every time a new man was on the scene over the years.
recently a family member has been diagnosed with cancer and I was absolutely distraught. I tried to lean in my friend for support but she just wasn’t there, was lucky to get a text. This is the same girl who would call me up to 5 times a day when she was going through her stuff.
I feel like a switch has gone off in me and I just don’t reach out to her anymore. We have had a conversation and I’ve explained how I felt. I just can’t continue to have a one side friendship and always be the once picking up her pieces when she is not there for me.
We now haven’t spoke in well over a month for the first time in 20 years bar the odd text. I suppose I wanted her to reach out but now she hasn’t I understand the friendship is over.

has anyone been through anything similar, it is a really bitter pill to swallow.

I had a friend who was really man-obsessed, and only remembered me when she had no man in her life. She never showed any interest in me except for when I would talk about a guy. And she eventually cut me off when I refused to help her boyfriend with something. Which she was really manipulative and coercive about, by the way (hence not wanting to help him. Aside from the fact that I had never met the guy).

Another friend stumbled upon the same boyfriend (now her husband) on an XL dating site. Neither of us told her, because she had cut both of us off.

I think you know you have to let her go and that it wasn't a true friendship. That doesn’t make it any easier- it’s sometimes harder than the loss of a romantic relationship, but I think you’ll be doing the right thing to cut your losses and not contact her.

People can be very disappointing and it’ll probably take you a while to get over it, I’m afraid. But you will.

Had this happen as well. A friend of 15+ years. As you say OP a switch just went off and I had enough of the one sided friendship.
It was a culmination of years of it all. I ended up just blocking them on everything. I doubt they even noticed for a long time that I did that.

In their mind I was probably the one that was the issue as they didn’t change their behaviour at all in the 15 years. They had always been the flakey one etc.
It was me that came to the realisation and had enough one day.

This was 10 years ago this year now. I still think of them and feel like reaching out sometimes but it is what it is. They had become not a good friend in the slightest.

Oh my, I've had the exact same thing. It's really sad to realise. But I also feel a bit used and discarded.

I had a friendship for a long time that I cut off in Jan 2020. We were friends from 17 and we went through a lot together.
I still miss her even now but she's not good for me.

It wasn't a man but everytime she got a new friend, I got dropped and then whenever it went wrong, as it inevitably did, she would run back to me.

She had her own problems, told lots of lies about herself so it didn't bother me as I knew it was self esteem issues and everyone else was the problem, never her. However, she was also fiercely loyal and when I needed her she had my back. And because she had been through so much, she got away with it far longer than anyone else would because I always made excuses for her. She was manipulative when she wanted to be.

The last straw was when I didn't hear from her for several months. Despite me sending messages. I could see she was reading them but not responding. I left it for a month then I sent a message asking what was going on as she'd done this before when she had some issues. She did the same thing. So I blew up, called her a shit friend and blocked her. I'd never said this to her before but she hurt me.

She then after, kept using her daughter as an excuse to try to talk to me (text me from her phone) saying I know you don't want to talk to me x2 but my daughter was worried about you over covid and wanted to keep in touch with me.

It was hard for me because I was close to her daughter but I had decided to let it all go for a clean break. This was her typical behaviour towards me, trying to manipulate me and make me feel sorry for her again. She was never sorry but that was her way. And this time I didn't fall for it.

I've had to let go of a few friends that weren't good for me or my self-esteem over last few years but that one hurt, because like you she was a sister to me.

However, we shouldn't tolerate bad behaviour from someone who supposedly cares about us. Once is a mistake but over and over? Then that's on us. Just because they are a long friend, doesn't make them a good friend and that's what I remind myself every time I think of her.

She'll never change. If she did, I'd be friends tomorrow but she won't and I'd be kidding myself. I can breathe now without these people in my life. I hope it gets better for you.

That’s sad. It sounds like you ignored some friendship ‘red flags’ for a long time, and gave much more than your friend was willing to reciprocate.

if you have other such situations in your life would seek to address those too.

The same thing happened to me. I realised I was always providing tea and sympathy, but if I needed some support it was never forthcoming. Last contact was about a week into lockdown, she sent a short text, I replied suggesting a meeting when we were allowed, got no answer. Just liked rattling my cage and getting a response.

Thanks all glad to know I’m not the only one.
Ive been through court cases, solicitors, police stations with her. Her last man was an abuser and treated her like shit. I picked up all the pieces as best I could until she got back on her feet. That is why I can’t believe she is being so stupid with this new guy and throwing all her eggs in one basket again.
I wish it didn’t bother me as much as it did. I suppose if I’m honest I backed off at first hoping she’d seek me out and come to me but that didn’t happen.
We have mutual friends who have told me they have never seen her happier. She is only happy when she has a man it seems.

You're better off without her. Sorry this happened x

I went through this for 40 years. My ex friend didn't have quite as much drama as yours did, but our friendship was always one-sided. Whenever things went tits up for her, I was the first person she called and I was always there for her. If I needed support, I got crickets. I don't think she ever asked about how my husband or kids were doing, or how my work was, it was always about her. I was always tolerant of this because I knew she never got when she needed emotionally from her parents, so I gave her a million passes for being self-absorbed.

Needless to say, I got older and the fucks I had to give ran out. If she's not interested in me, I'm not interested in her. I rang her, told her I was done with being her "friend" and exactlt why, and I've never spoken to her again. This was about seven years ago.

I know how you feel, op. It's rubbish.

She's assuming you'll always be her built-in support person, however many foolish decisions she makes, and part off her recklessness may well be down to the way you drop everything and prioritise sorting out her issues over living your own life. She has taken advantage.
I'd recommend giving her a couple more chances to come through, text her in the way she'd text you when calling you for help... If 2 texts don't bring the response you deserve, after all your kindness and time for her, then don't try again... And maybe wait until she is calling you for the usual help and tell her how it is. She'll maybe understand then!
She is a very useless friend.

I’m so sorry @Xenia13, I know how much it hurts.

Earlier this year, my exBF of 10 years became best mates with my very recent ex who I’d in turn been friends with for 30 years. They’d never had a friendship during this time. She showed terrible cruelty for the next few months, trying to lead me to believe there was more going on between them and rubbing my nose in their new close relationship before distancing herself from me. I’ve no doubt at all that she was sharing everything I’d told her in confidence with him. It’s only with hindsight that I can see the malice in her behaviour because I didn’t want to believe she would do that to me.

It’s a hard thing to come to terms with being mistreated by someone you care so much about. In my case, I decided I couldn’t take the damage to my self esteem and blocked both of them. I think you need to decide if on balance this friendship serves you anymore.

This is exactly what my friend thought too.

Think she thought I'd always be there, her back up, no matter what she did.

I think she got the shock of her life when I told her I was done.

Amazing isn't it how people can be?