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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would This Change Your Perspective

23 replies

AnotherDayAnotherDilemma · 13/11/2023 22:10

I am currently in the early stages of talking to someone, we have met twice already and the dates went really well (no sex). Talked all along and its been a month of really good conversations and constant communication etc. We are due for another date soon.

Dilemma is today he told me he had met his ex (she is his neighbour). They stopped dating a year ago and the break up wasn’t the best from what I perceived. They have seen each other before but it was only a quick polite hello. This time though they had a conversation (2hours long) and somewhere along the conversation they ended up agreeing that he would get her son the ps5 he promised him a year ago before they broke up. The thing is he has agreed to put it on his curries account and they will both go halves on the cost of it, think buy now pay later type thing. This to me will open a line of communication and it just feels awkward my end. I appreciate his honesty when he told me but I really do not agree with this whole set up.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 13/11/2023 22:14

No, he sounds like he still wants to be close to her through her son - red flag

solice84 · 13/11/2023 22:22

Errrrm no I wouldn't be comfortable with this either
She's an ex, it's not his kid, it's all a bit weird .

samestyle · 13/11/2023 22:30

No not overthinking, walk away now, sounds like he wants her back and is getting a weird kick out of telling you all about her.

NovemberName · 13/11/2023 23:19

Yeah walk away. You're only 2 dates in. Listen to your gut.

GreyCarpet · 14/11/2023 07:39

It doesn't sound to me like he wants her back tbh, but it does suggest he has really shit boundaries!

I doubt he fell over himself to offer to do this (especially if they haven't really been on speaking terms until now) but it does suggest that he was guilt tripped and manipulated into agreeing with it (because they had previously promised the son).

Either way, I wouldn't be interested. It may be that he told you because he feels it shows him in a good light - eg not being a dick about his ex/helping out a 'damsel in distress' etc but you need a man who has strong boundaries and can say, "No, that's not appropriate," not one who is either chasing an ex or is a 'people pleaser' (who make terrible partners!)

Draculina · 14/11/2023 09:37

No, you're not overthinking it. It's important to pay attention to the current and past behaviour of the people we date, and to make a reasonable assessment of the future we would have with them based on their current and past behaviour. I would not be seeing this guy again, but that's because I'm against "friendships" and other ties between exes. I don't want that headache in my life.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 14/11/2023 09:45

@AnotherDayAnotherDilemma

i have a different perspective.

I wouldn't have a problem with him putting it on his Curry's account if it's the best way to buy it & her paying her share.

I wouldn't have a problem with him following through on a promise to a child.

if you think doing this opens communication between them & are worried about that, then I think you're a bit paranoid.

if they wanted to be together, they would be, PS5 or not. They split up for a reason.

baileys6904 · 14/11/2023 10:34

Tbh I agree with @Pinkpinkpink15 . He promised a child a ps5. That child would have looking forward to that so much. He's now coming through with his promise TO THE CHILD. The situation with the ex should have nothing to do with that

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 10:43

Huge red flag for me. He shouldn't be involving himself with her or her child again. Why did he have a two hour long conversation with her in the first place?

It's unfortunate that he didn't fulfill his promise, but that's life sometimes. His judgement is way off on this. If you have zero tolerance for other people's weird drama, as I do, you'll leg it.

Ahwhatthehell · 14/11/2023 10:55

No. Not sure why he’d be open to doing that unless he wants to remain part of her and her sons life.

Original poster

AnotherDayAnotherDilemma · 14/11/2023 12:39

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has responded. I do usually have a no tolerance to outside influences specifically to do with exes.

The part I am struggling with is it’s for the child. Personally I would not have ever looked back after a breakup. This instance though has me split. I am trying to see it from all perspectives. They are neighbours so this child may/may not see him frequently and will always have in mind he never fulfilled his promise, so that in effect may make him look like an arsehole to this kids eyes. And at the same time for him to maintain his promise he has to maintain some sort of relationship with the child’s mother (his ex) which really does leave a bitter taste. We have had a chance to speak about it further this morning and he has stated that he has no intentions of getting back with her, but he wanted to fulfill this one promise he’d made the little boy and it was the only way they could do it.

OP posts:

Pinkpinkpink15 · 14/11/2023 12:45

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 10:43

Huge red flag for me. He shouldn't be involving himself with her or her child again. Why did he have a two hour long conversation with her in the first place?

It's unfortunate that he didn't fulfill his promise, but that's life sometimes. His judgement is way off on this. If you have zero tolerance for other people's weird drama, as I do, you'll leg it.

There's no reason Ex's can't be friends, if you're paranoid, that's up to you. Doesn't mean everyone has to be.

NovemberName · 14/11/2023 14:59

His ex will want him to have a relationship with her son until she gets a new man ... then she won't!

baileys6904 · 16/11/2023 12:10

NovemberName · 14/11/2023 14:59

His ex will want him to have a relationship with her son until she gets a new man ... then she won't!

You know this, how?

LSTMS30555 · 16/11/2023 15:41

I think he's obviously a decent man to keep his promise to the child.
Can't see anything wrong with it, they split for a reason but obviously doesn't mean the child should suffer.

LetsTryToHelp · 16/11/2023 15:54

"Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 10:43

Huge red flag for me. He shouldn't be involving himself with her* or her child again.* "

It's their child and not just her's.

I am really surprised at some of the advice given out here!

GreyCarpet · 16/11/2023 18:31

LetsTryToHelp · 16/11/2023 15:54

"Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 10:43

Huge red flag for me. He shouldn't be involving himself with her* or her child again.* "

It's their child and not just her's.

I am really surprised at some of the advice given out here!

Edited

It's her child. Not theirs.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2023 19:21

LetsTryToHelp · 16/11/2023 15:54

"Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 10:43

Huge red flag for me. He shouldn't be involving himself with her* or her child again.* "

It's their child and not just her's.

I am really surprised at some of the advice given out here!

Edited

It is not their child. It is his ex girlfriend's child.

baileys6904 · 18/11/2023 14:20

Depends how long they were together. A 'step parent' whether married or not, doesn't just stop caring for a child when the relationship breaks down. I have step children and have absolutely grown to love them and care for them and be invested in their future. Were I to promise a present and then split with their dad, I would absolutely come through with the gift. It's not the child's fault

GreyCarpet · 18/11/2023 15:12

My exh is my son's stepfather. We split up when he was 12 and my exh paid maintenance for him until he was 18. They have a relationship to this day (12 yrs on). My exh is his dad. So I absolutely believe and accept that stepparent/child relationships can continue long after a marriage/relationship has ended.

However, the OP describes a scenario where this is not the case. The man in this case has said no more than hello to his ex (despite her living close by) in 18 months. She doesn't mention any ongoing relationship between him and the child.

It was the first time her boyfriend and his ex girlfriend had had a conversation in 18 months and she asks him to go halves on a PS5? I wouldn't be impressed in the OP's shoes either.

GreyCarpet · 18/11/2023 15:13

A year. Not 18 months. Faulty memory!

Fredblog · 18/11/2023 15:32

Obviously he is trying to please her. It is enough from a 2 hour conversation, if he wasnt still hooked he wouldn't have bothered even with this. He is looking for a way in with her. They will probably be back together soon.

neilyoungismyhero · 18/11/2023 15:48

It's now coming up to Xmas and of course the child is massively excited about his promised gift. Maybe she should have mentioned earlier to him that this now wouldn't be a possibility but clearly she didn't.
He sees the child obviously, as they're neighbours, so I can see why he's been manipulated..coincidentally she's warmed up with Xmas approaching.
If you like him I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for a bit, on the other hand if he keeps popping in to join in with the game that would be an end game for me. It's how you feel really in the end, you know him a tad better than us.

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