How do I stop obsessing over people?

[CreatingHavoc]

This keeps happening and I'm not sure why. Whether it's people I know in real life or famous people or even fictional characters, I go through phases where I can't stop thinking about them and it is really distracting. As in, these people dominate my thoughts. There's a comedian and an actor that I'm currently infatuated with but that's mostly harmless, it's the real people that make it an issue.

IRL, there's this guy who works in our local shop who is always really friendly and we chat most times I'm in there. I'm attracted to him so I'm sort of awkward. When I paid last time he sort of stroked my hand when taking the note and it's set my brain off on one. Was it intentional? Is he flirting? The other problem is, I'm fairly sure he's married so off limits. How do I get him out of my head? I can't not go to the shop.

I also had a huge thing for a friend a while ago (who was also in a relationship) but that all went pear shaped. I tried to ignore it for a long time but eventually told him we couldn't meet up as friends any more because it was messing with my head. It caused a some fallout in the friend group in general and I wish I'd never said anything now as he ended up getting married and moving away not long after anyway.

But why am so obsessive?! How do I make it stop? I've noticed that at the start of a relationship or potential relationship I'm a bit like this as well. Maybe too keen. I'm a single parent and pushing 40 so would really like a relationship but don't want to come across as desperate either, which I'm worried I do. I do really crave connection as I've been lacking in that area for a long time so maybe that had something to do with it. I would also like to be able to calm down and chill the f out though.

Read Living with Limerence by Dr L.

from Amazon:

Living with limerence is a guide for coping with unwanted infatuation.
In the 1970s, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term 'limerence' to describe an obsessive mental state of romantic infatuation. If you've ever met someone whose company was so electrifying and exhilarating that you felt intoxicated just by being with them, you understand the euphoric thrill of limerence. If you've also become obsessed with them, plagued by intrusive thoughts you can't control, and unable to keep away from them even after you know it's doing you harm, then you understand the dark side of limerence too.
In this book, pseudonymous neuroscientist "Dr L" sets out the case that limerence is best understood as addiction to another person. Drawing on evidence from the neuroscience of reward-seeking, motivation and behavioural addictions, and the personal testimony of some of the thousands of limerents that visit the Living with limerence website every month, he makes sense of the experience of being so utterly infatuated with someone it feels like you've lost your mind.

People like to call it limerence.

I think its actually pretty normal tbh. Especially when single for a while. They're just crushes.

I've no joke spent the last week watching and rewatching 'julie and the phantoms' for Luke and just the way he looks at Julie lol. It'll burn out. In the mean time I'm enjoying acting like a giddy teenager haha.

Im sure it can sometimes be a bit of a bugger when it happens for real folk though. Can't say that's often for me tbh. I don't think I've had a person crush like that for like a decade tbh. Probably a good thing because in real life they can turn you into a bit of a loon if you're not careful.

My relationship is a mess and it’s made me feel pretty lonely over the past few years. I had this too but was very clearly aware that it was just my mind trying to fill a void. It all made perfect sense but I was fascinated at how my mind went down these rabbit holes…! I ended up fantasising over this guy who was totally NOT a catch but had just caught my eye one day. I knew I would never give myself away and frequently reminded myself that it was just a fantasy so it became this safe space and actually felt quite healthy that I still had a sex drive despite everything. Thankfully I don’t seem to ever see him anymore now which seems to have cured me. Was a trip for sure though…!

I agree with previous posters that it's probably limerance. But I'm not aware of any cure for this. I've had it too - to the extent of pursuing someone totally not right for me in a loony way. It takes away your ability to think clearly about the other person. I would bet the shop guy is not ideal for you (though you fantasise that he is). Once it wears off, the scales fall away and you realise the person is yuck. So it is actually dangerous as I believe it can lead people into situations and relationships which they would run a mile from otherwise. I would stop going to the shop.

...And it apparently lasts about 2 years. So just long enough to get pregnant by a totally inappropriate guy. I suspect a very large number of people mistake it for love and that's why the divorce rate is what it is.

“When I paid last time he sort of stroked my hand when taking the note ”

This set off creepy vibes for me. Especially if he’s married. He’s probably twigged you’ve got a crush on him and is exploiting that. I get how the interaction can give you the fanny gallops because you like him but step back and see that for what it really is. Also, do you like him because he’s paying you attention? Being nice to you?

Another thing to think about. All these guys? They’re unavailable right? So you can have a “safe” crush without the real heartache of a real relationship. I think it’s quite common to feel like that if you’ve not had much luck meeting decent guys or feeling a bit delicate after a breakup and anyone who represents “nice” or the values that you are looking for is fair game for a crush. I think it’s a good thing – you’re learning, in a safe way, what qualities you’re actually looking for in a man.

“I do really crave connection as I've been lacking in that area for a long time so maybe that had something to do with it.”

I think you answered your own question.

'The fanny gallops' rotfl at that! Haven't heard that one in years 😂

@DatingDinosaur I can't figure out if it was a deliberate stroke or an accidental touch. It didn't seem entirely accidental, I keep thinking how many times has someone touched your hand when taking a note off you. Probably not many. I guess I'll have to avoid going in there but I regularly take my kids in too for various things and they enjoy going. Obviously he's not there every time we go in but is there often.

I also think it could potentially because he's been nice to me and my children, he seems like a nice bloke if a little older than me. It's an odd situation and one I guess I can't really persue or do anything about. Maybe one day I'll have some luck with dating and these daft thoughts will stop.

Probably horny, lonely and bored. If you're outgoing, meet loads of men everyday, get lots of sexual attention you wouldn't have the space to think this much of one meeting. In all seriousness, I suggest you get out more. Get really busy, meet new people, focus on goals for yourself. Those fantasies are a form of escapism and maladaptive daydreaming.

@AllFeetAreUgly I would love to get out more but unfortunately have 2 children with additional needs and very little support from family. It's draining. So I guess you're right, escapism, fantasy etc is why these thoughts are cropping up and won't go away.

I think it is normal - and biologically pre determined- to feel attracted to someone because of certain key characteristics. Kindness, compliments, strength, looks etc. I had a crush on someone in the past after noticing how nicely a double cuffed shirt sat against the hair on his wrist. After having known the person for some time and never having fancied him in any way before that, it was both inexplicable and all consuming while it lasted. But the problem with this is that he was totally unsuitable in every other way. He probably would have made a nice, smartly dressed baby (hence the biological response) but we wouldn't have been in any way compatible in a modern, long term relationship which requires shared interests, intellectual equity, complementary skillsets etc etc. Avoid the shop and I am sure you will sigh a sigh of relief in time that you didn't get entangled in something that has almost no chance of being right for you long term. Make a list of what you do want - and don't. I am compiling one myself and from reading posts on here it has a lot of 'definitely nots' including 'any interest in trans porn' 😬😂 I will compare any crush to the list with brutal objectivity!

I get this with a guy who I went to college with over 10 years ago and haven’t seen since (apart from on social media). I am married now and he’s in a long term relationship but there was always that spark there. I often think about him, it’s definitely fantasy and escapism for me.