There's a guy at church who is my ideal man in so many ways - he's a lovely person, physically gorgeous and I've always really clicked with him. But there's never been any chance of anything due to him being married with two kids.
By that I mean I've always regarded him as off limits and he would never cheat. His wife's a lovely person I count as a friend and would never want to hurt. As I come from a broken home I could never wreck a family.
Also for the above reasons I was worried when I didn't see this couple together at church or on social media for a long time. It was worry made me ask another friend yesterday morning if they'd split up. She confirmed they're not just separated but divorced now.
I couldn't help thinking now the husband's free but deep down I don't really think there's a chance. I'm 12 years older and this guy's had months to come to me if he wanted. It makes me feel like a cross between a sad cougar and a teenager living in fantasy land.
I went on a date yesterday afternoon and it was hard not to make comparisons. I also left honestly not knowing if it could be the start of something great. I couldn't help thinking there was probably more feeling on his side than mine.
I don't want to feel as if I'm just using him not to be alone but then again I can't build and waste my life on something that's not likely to happen. And would I have felt more positively/ardently if I hadn't known what I did? Was I less receptive than I would have been otherwise? I don't want to do myself or my potential boyfriend out of happiness.