Feeling flat and confused

[Wornoutmomma79]

I'm a recently separated 44 f, 2 kids, we have tried to work through our separation as amicably as possible but it's been tough, however I have no emotional connection any more at all to my ex.

I recently bumped into a guy (also separating from his ex) in my larger circle of friends on a night out, we kissed and went on to have a secret meet up, our connection felt amazing, he said he felt like a teenager again and he made me feel the same, however after we were intimate he left fairly soon after saying he felt confused and overwhelmed. That really made me feel like shit.

We both agreed that we would keep our communication private so as not to hurt anyone and I was ok with this.

Since we met he's messaged me a couple of times just checking in but it's at that stage where his messages aren't leading to anything and it's frustrating.

This week I've heard through a friend that he's been accusing his ex of sleeping with other men and generally being an arsehole to her.

I am being strong and not messaging him as i am at the stage in my life where I don't want to play games and quite frankly I feel he's lucky that I'm even giving him airtime considering his abrupt departure.

Trouble is, I can't stop thinking about him and I can't work out whether I've had this huge dopamine hit and it's actually not him at all, but more the situation of feeling swept away in the moment.

It's been so long since I've felt desired, special, wanted etc.

Eugh hate this.

Why is it a secret? Are you sure his splitting with his ex and just hasn’t fed you a line?

It’s not him, it’s just the rush of excitement, the dopamine hit as you mentioned and the prospect of something new, which could have happened with anyone. Also the fact that he is distancing from you (and possibly going back to his ex) might make him come across as unavailable and I’m some cases that makes people want what they can have.

Don’t bother with this one, ignore him from now on, you’re single, you don’t need to pander to anyone, find someone better.

Decent people don't do things that will obviously make you feel like shit. Like leaving fast after sex.

Sounds like he's a dick to his ex too.
And telling you to keep it secret that hrs shagging about whilst being a mysoginistic hypocrit and berating his ex for the same thing HE is doing.

You're not doing him a favour texting him, he doesn't give a shit. And he's not going to be nice to you back.

He's only messaging you to keep you sweet so you won't tell his ex that he's doing exactly what he is judging her for. Prick.

Delete and block.
I'd be inclined to tell her too tbh xD like fuck am I letting her suffer through his hypocrisy. But that's probably not a wise move.

Also, what are the bets that his wife, if on this forum would be saying something along the lines of..

'im separating with my husband. We always had such great chemistry, but he has a flip side to him where he just switches to cold and nasty. (Now it feels like he is punishing me for final leaving/now he has left he is re-writing history). He keeps accusing me of seeing other men now. I have never been unfaithful but he, it turns out, cheated on me throughout our marriage. He's telling everyone it's me though and making out I'm the bad guy. I don't know what to do'.

Just saying...

If he's getting jealous and accusing his partner stuff, he's no plan to go anywhere yet. I doubt she has any idea of splitting up. He's the classic shitbag man who is transferring his own misdemeanours on his poor partner, she must be well confused and upset.
My advice, go no contact and accept that, yes, it could well be the dopamine hit that made you too willing to end up being the OW.

So much great advice, thank you all, I think the trouble is after we met and he dicked me around, I ended up joining tinder and found it massively depressing which made me feel even worse about the whole thing. I will learn from this and definitely won't repeat the same mistake. The whole build up to it was so emotional and all the effort I made for him (buying new underwear etc etc) then to be left feeling so low.
There were other red flags, like he just threw the condom on the floor after we had sex, didn't pick it up, I thought that was quite rude.
I think our messaging in the lead up was very sexual and I wonder whether he just thought we were going to meet for a quick bang and that was it, I would have been happy with that but he got inside my head by constantly telling me how excited he was and when he left I said 'is this the end' and he said 'no it's the start and I really like you' eugh what a douche

Ick, bloody hate the ones that act like it's gong to be more than it was intended to be. Like we could just have treated it as mutual fun mate but no, you have to do this weird power play shit'. We aren't allowed to enjoy sex for sexs sake in these sort of men's books. We're to be 'used' and they want us to know it.

I don't see any reason to be optimistic with this one. Too many behaviours and whispers to ignore. Better luck next time, but don't waste any more of your precious time on him, that dopamine hite you mention can be a right nuisance tho, but it will be just as good good, if not better with the right person.

Yep I think that's what I need to hold onto, it's no him persay and it could have been any guy that made me feel like this, and what a nice thought it is to think I can meet a guy who is emotionally available where the dopamine hit can continue and be sustained. Luckily getting to the ripe old age of 44 I've learn some bits of wisdom through my years!

Sadly, he just wanted a shag. He enjoyed the build up but now he’s lost interest. I wouldn’t engage with him anymore.

Omg it turned out so bad, I've never felt more low than I do now, somehow it got back to his ex (live in a small town, people gossip) and he sent me a barrage of messages saying about how I've told everyone, he told his ex he couldn't even get it up and have sex (lie) and that she is now completely finished with him. I don't know what he was trying to gain by messaging me. I just responded to say he had emotionally manipulated me and I didn't appreciate it. I feel sick, ashamed and so embarrassed. I mean he is average at best and for some reason I fell for his chat. never again.

You sure it actually got back to his ex?
Or is it possible he's just saying it did so that you won't tell her.
And using this as an excuse to stop seeing you.

I suppose there is no way to know. Unless she messages you for clarity.

Either way, it's good that it sounds like she now knows what a complete liar he is. And so do you.

Horrible thing to happen of course but arguably if it wasn't for this, that poor woman would have stayed with this prick even longer.

Now you're both free of him.

I'd block him though. He sounds totally unhinged.

Yep that's what went through my mind, he's totally screwed himself over and now everyone thinks he's a dick so I guess that's his karma. Tough lesson to learn but one I needed to I guess if I'm going to dip my foot back in the dating pool 😬🥴