Does anyone agree with "The Rules" philosophy of relationships?

[electra]

Apparently, women should never ask a man out, should rarely call him. The overall view is that the man must do ALL the running, otherwise he doesn't really like you OR if you do a lot of the work in the beginning it will set a precedent for the rest of your lives together.

I don't know what I think about it. Any thoughts?

No, no I don't. This is the 21st century, not 1938. Anything goes.

If we all waited for men to pick up the phone to call us the human race would have died out.

Well I was thinking that surely it works both ways?

What about that book "He's just not that into you" - the views there are similar I think...

Nah not really. I actually think blokes like women who obviously like them just as much as the other way round.

But I do think sometimes people move in together quite informally and put up with stuff e.g. the woman doing all the housework or whatever and then after something like moving house or getting married or having a baby that all of a sudden they won't put up with it and that can lead to problems.

So maybe there is something to be said for not settling for things even early on in a relationship if you wouldn't be happy to live that way later.

I think that if a woman has to use such intricate methods to get a man to commit to her, he probably doesn't like her very much. Smacks of manipulation and desperation to me. Plus, what happens when the woman finally relaxes and starts being herself (including, gievn that she's a human being, being emotional and needy at times) - does the Rules man run away, screaming in horror?

I don't know that much about it - but enforces gender stereotypes/roles and also I find anything like that very odd.

I don't think there are many strict rules when it comes to dating and this kinda thing wants to enforce a set of rules, with no give or take, when people are so varied. What works for one couple may not work for another and so on. Also surely you could never relax in a relationship if you were following 'rules'.

'He's Just Not That Into' is completely different, IMO.

So is 'You Didn't Hear It From Us' written by two male NYC bartenders.

I couldn't disagree with it more.

IMO it would set a precedent for manipulative behaviour and a lack of trust and openness.

Anyway, if I chased a man and he ran for the hills - I think that would tell me something. I'm not interested in the "hard to get" stuff - it's based on a sexist and outdated premise in the first place.

Yep I've read bits of "He's just not that into you" and it's totally different. It's basically about not making excuses for crap men and holding out for someone who actually likes you- raising your standards a bit.

Right - I have to confess I haven't read it. Looks like I have that wrong.

a colleague thinks this is great and says how it worked for her with her new man.

I don't like the connotations of Wily Woman having to manipulate SImple and Confused Man.

I dont agree with it but there are elements of it that might work. However I should think that by the time you actually manage to get the man down the aisle, he will just be a big bundle of insecurity and anger from having to work so hard to begin and maintain a relationship with you......And we all know how much fun that type of person is to be with dont we?

Its just unrealistic to expect or believe one person should do all the running. If a woman behaved like the man are expected to in this book then she would be considered completely mental and/or bunny boiler.

Apparently, lots of Rules women get cheated on when they're pregnant. So yeah, you can use these tricks to catch them, marry them, get pregnant by them ... and then they'll go shag someone else. No thanks.

Imagine putting that much forced effort into it all? God, tortuous, having to put on all the time.

I just couldn't begin to do this sort of thing anyway.

Nearly everyone I ever went out with, I did a significant amount of the chasing.

Once, when out on the razz with mates, who were talking to some dull men, I decided to try 'playing stupid'. Except the idea was so funny to me I started giggling, then cackling. So much for that.

i couldn't do this not because i chased men, but because i liked sex too much to play that hard to get shit.

i mean, if i fancied shagging them, why wait? they or you could get hit by a bus and then you'd have missed out on a potentially mind-blowing - or at least humourous - experience .

I actually found the hard to get approavh worked v well for me....

LOL expat - I agree with you there

I think some of it makes sense. If at the start of the relationship you are the one doing the phoning and the texting and the organising then its not meant to be.

DH was really straight forward and just asked me out and kept asking me out until we had a relationship.

Didn't quite manage the no sex until Date 8 rule though, got 50% of the way there.

Why is it not meant to be if the woman is doing the phoning etc? I don't like the idea of all the work being done by only one person, it's a bit one-sided - but that's what The Rules say you should have ...

I suspect following The Rules leads to a fairly traditional 'me Tarzan you Jane' sort of relationship style. Not what I want, at all.

I've read the book (sometimes I get the urge to read something that I KNOW is going to annoy me, no idea why ), and I thought it did have the ghost of a point about not crowding someone and giving him time to decide if he actually wants to make an effort to be with you.

But all the shite about not accepting Friday dates unless he's asked four months in advance and on a full moon was, well, shite IMHO. DH and I are equals, not hunter and prey! I don't think I could respect him at all if I thought I'd 'hooked' him using some sad games.

Sadly, I think some of the Rules makes sense. Whether it sets you off on a path that leads to perfect happiness is another matter entirely. Relationships in the early stages are exploratory for both parties - it is really off-putting to feel as thought someone has set aside their whole life for you when they barely know you. That is a bit desperate isn't it? It's not unlike buying a house. If you go and see a house which has been on the market for some time and the owner makes it clear that he is desperate to sell you are unlikely to be offering the asking price for the house. If several buyers are looking at the same house and the buyer is relaxed about the sale, you are more likely to pursue the house - and you might even go to closed bids and pay over the odds. Similarly a meal tastes nicer when you could have eaten more whereas the fresh fish with hollandaise loses its appeal on the third helping.

Whether the Rules sets you up in the perfect relationship is another matter entirely. I suspect not.