Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sexless relationship suddenly

25 replies

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 10:02

DP both in mid 40s dated 18 months and lived together for 6 months. Moved in too soon I feel, but I sold and bought a house and bought house fell through. He suggested to move in with him to stop collapse of my house. Just had offer accepted in a new house.

before we lived together we went on dates, laughed loads and had sex every time we saw each other - 3 times a week. His language was always we. he planned things and seemed to want to be with me. It was amazing and I felt I had the best partner.

Now I have moved in we barely go out, he is at his local pub lots coming home drunk and I rarely get invited. His weekend is spent on his plans, football or playing video games. He encourages me to go out with my mates, which I do. But they have families etc so not free lots.

sex is now every 2 weeks always in the same position and boring and always in the morning at a weekend . No effort made. He had gone from being horny and all over me giving me compliments to nothing. I try to initiate and he moves my hand, says no or jumps out of bed. I have been honest and said let’s have sex he ignores me.

This morning we have now not had sex for 2 weeks. He is going on a lads golf week away this weekend. He was starting work later today. I tried to make moves the ones that work before. I got a massive hug and suddenly he has to start work early and ran out the door, no shower or anything.

I am at a loss. I have tried to speak to him and all he says is he feels really tired, in pain from a knee injury and doesn’t feel sexy. Too tired at night and we wake different times to go work. More excuses.

He says he still loves and fancies me. I get no compliments now. I have worn sexy underwear and no reaction. Less than a year ago I just had to show a bra or look a certain way and we were in bed. He has no erection issues I can see.

he had put in lots of weight, clothes don’t fit, says he doesn’t want his picture taken as he is the fattest he has been. He always has heartburn and doesn’t sleep well.

any advice?

OP posts:

muchalover · 13/11/2023 10:05

Move out (short term rental). See if it improves.

If it doesn't, move on.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/11/2023 10:07

I would move out while he was away. Either you didn't know the real guy or something else is going on with him, but either way I wouldn't stick around to find out.

Ianz · 13/11/2023 10:57

All I'm going to say is distance makes the heart grow fonder, and few other things. Move out, go back to how things were before and see what happens.

Mari9999 · 13/11/2023 11:01

@determinedtomakethiswork
Maybe in living together he has found the relationship to be less exciting and more mundane than living apart.

If this is not what you want, you should move out. Fortunately , you are not married so there is nothing to split.

He may have been very excited about the dish that was only available sometimes , and now that it is on the menu everyday it has lost its appeal.

Now that the novelty is gone, he probably just doesn't feel the desire or need any longer. The issue has to do with him and his need . It has nothing to do with you, and there is nothing that you can do to fix the situation. Living apart might regenerate a spark, but in all likelihood he would always be on the lookout for something new and not something permanent.

Original poster

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 11:03

@determinedtomakethiswork @Ianz @muchalover I can’t really move out. Tried short term rentals and nothing available that I can afford. I am starting to think we are not compatible. I have said this to him and he says we are compatible.

I do feel he is over sensitive as his moods have been unpredictable recently. Scared to say anything incase he gets angry. Or he takes what I say wrong. Not sure if it’s depression or unhappiness.

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 13/11/2023 11:07

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 11:03

I do feel he is over sensitive as his moods have been unpredictable recently. Scared to say anything incase he gets angry. Or he takes what I say wrong. Not sure if it’s depression or unhappiness.

He isn’t the arbitrator, he doesn’t get to decide you are compatible when you are saying not.
He’s become lazy and selfish because he has got you.
Buy as planned and move along- extra speedily if there’s any chance you could get pregnant.

Mari9999 · 13/11/2023 11:30

@topgirlalways
His mood changes may be related to his realization that he prefers to live alone. If this is not working for you, it is also not working for him. If you are only staying for financial reasons, it might relieve a lot of tension if you would state that openly and you could agree to live as house mates until you find an affordable place. He might even be willing to assist you in your search.

Dweetfidilove · 13/11/2023 11:58

He cannot maintain an active sex life (do you initiate? What does he say when you do?).

The sex you have is boring (Does he accept that this could be improved or do you not say to him that you’re not enjoying it?).

He decides the relationship is working.

He is sensitive/moody/angry.

You're scared of him.

What would help you leave? Have you considered shared accommodation?

Original poster

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 12:03

@Mari9999 it might be this. He was married for a year but with her for 2 previously. Asked why he left he said her kids made life hard as they were not nice to him. But I suspect now it’s more he couldn’t do what he wanted or compromise

He was with mother of his grown up kid for years. His family told me she was controlling and emotionally abusive to him. Took him ages to leave. He had told me bits doesn’t open up about this one, but said he never wants to be in a relationship like that again.

in the first few months of living together we had a chat about compromise. He said as he lived alone for years he needed to get used to sharing his time and space. Previously we had to plan as we lived 20 miles away. He had time to do his things. Now I am sharing space.

OP posts:

DontSetYourselfOnFireToKeepOthersWarm · 13/11/2023 12:04

Doesn’t sound fixable and I’m not sure why you would even want to at this point. No kids or other ties? The answer is obvious - buy your own house as you planned and move into it on your own.

OhComeOnFFS · 13/11/2023 12:08

If you are frightened of him, you can't afford not to move out.

Have you looked at AirBnbs? You could look on Gumtree for house shares and then put your things in storage. You do have a lot of options.

Original poster

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 12:13

@OhComeOnFFS I am not frightened he will attack me. More of him going into a mood. I forgot to charge his work phone after he asked me to plug it in. This morning he texted ti say I forgot to charge his work phone and it’s a pain to charge in car and he may have missed a call.

OP posts:

justsayingthat · 13/11/2023 12:27

My guess would be that something that's new/different to him now that you live together has given him the ick. Probably something completely normal, like having a poo or snoring or cutting your toenails- something he wouldn't have been party to when you lived separately.

Not saying it's right, but that's what it sounds like to me.

I'd be finding a way to move on because it doesn't sound like he is willing to address whatever the issue is.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/11/2023 13:59

If (a) it’s not working and (b) he refuses to discuss it you really don’t have many options

It’s sounds really shit ! What’s really stopping you from moving on ?

Opentooffers · 13/11/2023 14:21

You sold your house, to buy another, which fell through and yet you have no money for rent? But you surely have money for buying a new house surely? Do that ASAP. You don't sell a house if you can't afford another, that would be madness? Almost as mad as moving in after just a year with someone.
Also, he's going to great and repeated lengths and excuses to avoid sex. Is he really going on a boys hol? How sure are you on that? Could there be someone else, but he's still claiming he likes you as you are his backup plan?

Dreamsy · 13/11/2023 14:37

My recommendation is to have one big discussion, when both of you are calm, away from the bedroom. Go for a drink / dinner with him and talk to him about your relationship, sex etc. Keep it unemotional if possible and be honest. If he really wants to work with you, he will listen and will try to fix this. Be prepared for it to go either way. If he dismisses you, turn it around on you or plainly refuses to speak, then I suggest you make plans to move out. I wasted years trying to decipher the actions and intentions of my SO. I regret it bitterly. Good luck!

DixonD · 13/11/2023 14:41

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 11:03

I do feel he is over sensitive as his moods have been unpredictable recently. Scared to say anything incase he gets angry. Or he takes what I say wrong. Not sure if it’s depression or unhappiness.

Even if you did move out it would only be a temporary solution, as I’d assume you’d be looking to live together again at some point.

This probably won’t get better, unless your final paragraph of your original post has some bearing on his issues. Those are things he can change and it may improve how he feels about himself.

Fidgety31 · 13/11/2023 15:36

Sounds like his weight gain has made him too self conscious now for sex .
Same happens with many women so can happen to men too

namestevalian · 13/11/2023 23:38

topgirlalways · 13/11/2023 11:03

I do feel he is over sensitive as his moods have been unpredictable recently. Scared to say anything incase he gets angry. Or he takes what I say wrong. Not sure if it’s depression or unhappiness.

Sounds like he is depressed and has low self esteem due to his changing body . Sounds to me that the issue isn't you it's within him

Original poster

topgirlalways · 17/11/2023 23:28

Update …

on Wednesday night he was quite affectionate in bed, no sex, but hugging me loads. I adked why and he said he wasn't wanting sex. Asked if it was me. He said absolutely not. Asked if he has someone else says no and got silent. Asked if this was ending just say and end it in a good note. He got upset and said no.

told him he needs to tell me what’s going on as if we are to have a future he needs to be honest. It all came out.

he is boarder line depressed. Hates his job and can’t find a new one. Put on lots of weight as in pain and can’t exercise. Hates the way he looks and none of his clothes fit. Doesn’t understand why I am with him as my friends are interesting and I laugh with them but not him.

it sounded genuine. He said he didn’t want to talk about it as it will be real. He had Tried to ignore his feelings thinking it would go away. He knew I was getting upset. He didn’t know what to say.

so ultimately he is low and feeling crap about himself and couldn’t tell me. Said he felt like this before and running helped elevate his mood, but he can’t do that now.

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/11/2023 02:16

You said he's put on lots of weight, do you know what triggered this? E.g physical injury limiting exercise, depression so overeating and using food for comfort etc.

Low mood can certainly cause low sex drive, as can feeling unattractive. He may well be embarrassed of his body at his bigger size, and the same position only, maybe he's struggling holding his own bodyweight in other positions, or is uncomfortable what view you'll have of his body?

I am obese, get embarrassed at my partner (who is slim) seeing my body undressed so always leave my top on to cover my stomach, and would be mortified if he wanted me to go on top incase i physically hurt him as i've easily got 5 stone over him. Thankfully he is very much a missionary man, so he's only really looking at my face.

He also has anxiety issues which combined with meds killed his libido. We have been together 3 years and one month, and our relationship only became sexual 2 months ago. Hes a physically healthy 32 year old, so not an age/erectile issue.

Something is clearly going on, try to discuss it with him gently in a none sexual setting, so not when you're frustrated or trying to initiate sex.

Edit: sorry, managed to miss the last post where you had updated.

Seaoftroubles · 18/11/2023 07:59

Its good that he has opened up to you but what now? It's not your job you fix him OP, or walk on eggshells around him. He needs to take accountability for this change since you started living together. Why is he in pain and has he seen his GP for a start?

acpk55 · 18/11/2023 08:06

I know it sounds easy but he needs to cut out the drinking and maybe try swimming as his exercise easier on the joints

Original poster

topgirlalways · 18/11/2023 11:07

put on weight due to drinking and just generally bad diet. He used running as a way to keep his weight down. He can’t now so not adjusted his eating. On a waiting list to be reviewed for surgery.

told him he can’t push me away but he needs help , talk or just tell me.

let’s see what happens

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 19/11/2023 13:21

I am starting to think we are not compatible. I have said this to him and he says we are compatible

Whatever else has happened before or since, his dismissal of your view is phenomenal, here. Wow. Is his word final? Does your opinion get a look in?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread