I dont feel I have any friends

[Lonelymiddleagedlady]

I work full-time, have a full on hobby, yet I feel like the loneliest person on the planet. I try and make so much effort with friends/work colleagues and get very little back. One of my friends does nothing but text me about her various illnesses or constant drama, another one let me down yet again on a pre-arranged meet-up yesterday, friends that have come and gone, friend whose husband died last year I sent flowers and checked she is okay for months after but she has no time for me despite being out and about/holidaying with other friends. I have grown up children and rarely see my grandchild because they make little effort to visit and its mainly down to me to arrange visits. Another flaky friend cancels at the last minute or never texts back saying she is "flat out". I'm busy, but I always have 5 minutes to answer a text or see if someone is okay.
I was just sitting in the toilet crying my eyes out because yet again I have been let down. I don't want to go out partying, just a friend for a catch-up or cup of coffee/bit of shopping. Not sure why I am pasting this really - I don't think I am a horrible person but I am beginning to think it must be me. I truly believe that if I didn't make any effort I would have no friends at all. I had a life changing accident a few years ago and I can catch the amount of visitors I had on one hand, none when I was in hospital. Maybe is the Monday morning blues.
Thanks for listening.

I feel your loneliness and have a similar life. In my 50's - daughter left home and at uni. The friends I have are all married with busy lives. One friend has a spread sheet and will 'pencil' me in and will always let me down at the last minute saying her husband has booked a surprise meal or she will turn up with her grandchild and play on the park with her so we don't even get the chance to chat. I have been let down so man times that I would rather be on my own than to be messed around or given trickles of their precious time. Had a couple of relationships but they ended up badly. I just think I was born lonely as I have always felt like this. I try to make the most of life and do nice things - a walk in the country, cook a nice meal - visit new places but at the end of the day there is no one to share this with. It is hard but be kind to yourself - you are not a horrible person it is easy to get lost along the way

You’re not the only one on here. We need to start a women’s coffee club.

HappFridays and DustyLee123 - I'm so sorry you feel the same way as I do. Its horrible feeling like this.

I visited a beautiful church on Saturday - it was empty. I sat alone and just cried as it couldn't have been more poignant me alone in this massive church. I am sure there are many people out there feeling the same

If it is a pattern across all your relationships, then, yes, bluntly, it probably is something you are doing to contribute to the dynamic.

This in no way means you’re a bad person, or in any way less worthy of love and friendship, but you sound as if you are a chronic people-pleaser. This often means you tend to set yourself up as the ‘service provider’ in your relationships, and make them all about the other person’s needs/problems etc, which has the effect of making you ‘invisible’ and either upset or covertly resentful that you’re not getting ‘back’ what you believe you’re ‘owed’.

Think about whether this is true of you. It’s the single commonest problem that all the huge numbers of lonely Mners have in common, in my experience.

Think also about whether you are consistently (possibly unconsciously) choosing the needy, vulnerable or unlucky as friends.

I am the daughter of a people-pleaser so I’ve had a lifetime to learn that it really doesn’t work in terms of creating lasting friendships. She’s now a very lonely, bitter 80 year old.

@HappFridays I'm sorry. x

@SeethroughDress This in no way means you’re a bad person, or in any way less worthy of love and friendship, but you sound as if you are a chronic people-pleaser. This often means you tend to set yourself up as the ‘service provider’ in your relationships, and make them all about the other person’s needs/problems etc, which has the effect of making you ‘invisible’ and either upset or covertly resentful that you’re not getting ‘back’ what you believe you’re ‘owed’.
You are probably correct but I always thought friends were therefore each other so yes, I have probably brought this on myself and will end up lonely and sad.

But you have the capacity to change your behaviour in existing friendships (which admittedly, may change and die off, but as they’re not making you happy as they are, that may not be such a bad thing) and to make new friendships where you consciously start off by not ‘rescuing’ or ‘providing an eternally listening ear or bottomless source of lifts, loans etc.

You need to learn to behave as though you are important. You should be the most important person in the world to yourself. When you start centring your needs, you’ll be more visible to potential friends. What do you bring to a friendship?

@SeethroughDress I'd like to think that I was fun, interesting, always prepared to help.

If people are draining you rather than bringing happiness I would distance yourself from them. It can be cathartic to pull away and concentrate on yourself. One thing I have learnt in my 50's is to not make myself available to people that will drain me - not just friends but family members too. Think of the positives - you work full time and have a hobby so you are socialising with people and keeping busy.

I think we've devoted so much time to bringing up our dcs,working,chores that friendship is way down the list.
I've worked all weekends eves and bank hols I now have no one.
The dcs have moved far away and this would all be ok if dh wasn't so laid back he barely ever bothers with me both our faults as my work was all consuming.
Perhaps being the giver has made others complacent with you.
No idea but you are in the same boat as others I'm sure.

Honestly people are absolute twats, myself included, get a lovely dog, enjoy your own company, enjoy nature etc, lots of things are so much nicer on one's own

I totally feel you and I don't necessarily believe its anything you have done, or are doing! There are actually lots of people like this and you may just be unlucky that lots of your friends are selfish. I've lost touch with a few friends over the years because I've decided to stop being the one to always arrange to meet up. If they were true friends they would have reached out but they didn't. I do have a handful of good friends but many I don't see very often. I think we can sometimes have differing views of what friendship means. I know its easy to say and not to do but I think you would benefit from distancing from the friends who let you down or make no effort. Its causing you more stress and heartache being friends with them.

You aren't alone. Please put yourself first and know that what you need is to make friends with someone you like/click with rather than making friends for the sake of having friends. I haven't really clicked with any other woman since my early twenties and I'm nearly 60. I've clicked with men over that time but I'm married and prefer to have strong boundaries so I wouldn't encourage male friendships. Just my personal preference.

I don't like what most women I encounter seem to like. I don't like drinking prosecco and have never enjoyed clubbing.

At times I've really put myself out there, extending invitations, talking to women at hobby clubs etc., but nobody seems to like me enough to spend time with me.

Feel free to message me, I'm in Kent 😊

People can be so flaky. It's always been the case, but I think maybe moreso now than ever.

And it leaves the person they've let down feeling unworthy and unimportant. But that isn't the case. If someone lets you down (other than if they have a good reason like illness etc) then it's more a reflection of who THEY are. Not you.

I'd say don't give up. It doesn't hurt to keep doing things for yourself, Enjoy your hobby. Plan fun stuff even it's alone. If a friend repeatedly lets you down, stop arranging things with them. Better friends will come along, although they can be like buses and sometimes it feels like ages waiting.

What I fail to understand of my married siblings and friends if I meet up with them
we’re always alone, if I ask about doing something on a particular day I’ll hear I can’t we’re having a bbq or going out with this group or that. They’ll always find time for me but it will be just me by myself. but I’d love to expand my social circle and meet new people (friends, but possibly a partner). I wish when they had a dinner party or whatnot I was invited.

Does anyone else experience this strange phenomenon of people keeping groups and people separate? I don’t think Im a total embarrassment- but I’d love to widen my social circle.

I get the loneliness. I don’t have an answer I’m afraid

Sorry to hear you feel lonely OP. I think you need new friends if the ones you have are unreliable. You mention a hobby but l take it this hasn't led to any friendship opportunities yet. No one there you could go for coffee and a chat with?
What do you enjoy in your free time? Have you thought of joining Meetup?
l have a friend who dips in and out of this, picking activities that appeal and she's made new friends that way.
Also if you like being outdoors you could join a walking group, you dont know who you might get chatting to there. Or maybe consider joining a choir, good for your mental health too apparently.
Re your children l would actively invite myself to visit them regularly. l'm sure you miss your grandchildren and want to have a relationship with them. I have twin toddler grandsons and can't imagine not seeing them frequently. Plus my daughter is always glad of an extra pair of hands!
I think you need to take control of your friendship choices, don't bother with those who sideline you or let you down. Seek out new friends and new avenues to meet them. l'm sure there are likeminded friends for you out there so don't give up on finding them.

I keep all my friends groups seperate from each other. I like to see them seperately and there is probably a label for that but have had it before when l introduced people to each other then one party expects to be invited every time after that. Or l know they won't get on. Or l have to spend all evening explaining in jokes etc. Nothing to do with being embarrssed by my friends.

Such an interesting thread. I feel like this too. I’m retired now and feel very lonely . My adult children are wrapped up in their own lives. Grandchild at the other end of the country. I have three friends , two of whom are very needy and very negative. I end up being the fixer and the unpaid counsellor. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I realise I am a chronic ‘rescuer’. I think this has to do with being made to feel worthless as a child, but I end up exhausting myself trying to help others at my own expense. No one thinks my needs matter as a result. I will spend ages choosing presents for others, they give no thought to mine. This is just an example.
@yuletidetunes I completely get what you say about not having met any women you like since your twenties. I’m not interested in clubbing or Prosecco either. I have met some women I really like, but there really have been very few that I really click with. I’m not sure why that is really. I have had a few really close friendships but not that many.

I think Covid has changed the landscape. People are definitely more selfish and more flaky . Social life has not really returned to normal, whatever that is.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you just have to do what you enjoy, alone if need be. It’s easy to just stay at home and give up. Agree that making an effort to visit your children is important. Also join some holidays for singles or groups. Someone I know has just been to India with U3A (for over 60s) and had a great time. Another has been on a yoga retreat in Spain. It’s really about being adventurous and taking risks. I know two other women who sit at home lamenting the fact that their children don’t want to see them all the time. They are both bitter and negative. Neither has any hobbies and limited interests.

I think how people treat you is often a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you don’t value yourself , other people won’t either. If you have poor boundaries or low self esteem it attracts users and flaky people. I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s worth thinking about. People treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.
I have decided to distance myself from my existing friends as two of them are very draining and negative. The other is totally self absorbed. Unfortunately that leaves me with no friends. I am going to have to put myself out there more and develop a more positive mindset . It’s not easy OP. You aren’t alone .

I take the view we were all strangers once. Friendship groups change and shift over time anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever invited someone along to an event and had to explain jokes to them all evening or for someone to think they then have a standing invitation to all events going forwards 🤣

Ive never really understood this protection of friendship groups but I have seen it happen. But it does result in situations like the OPs where you end up arranging meetings with people one at a time and then them being cancelled. People always seem much more likely to cancel on a single individual than a group.

I have no friends, thought it was deafness and having a disabled child at Primary School w many disabilities which made us non approachable. I did try. They are grown up now. I’m in my fifties.
I identify with your post OP and those of others here. I’m single. Don’t want a relationship but friendships. I feel lonely.
I hope you are feeling better today OP and everyone else who posted too.
x

Thanks all for your advice/support. I really do think it boils down to stop trying so hard with people who don't give you anything in return. If I have to do things on my own so be it! I am really going to try and not bother with the few "friends" I have got. I'm not really sure they will notice anyway! Have a lovely day everyone and remember that you aren't alone. x

I think your last post hit the nail on the head OP and I am happy you are feeling brighter.

The ones who like to keep their single friends on a 1 one 1 seem to do so for support and when they need something. Possibly not wanting to include you in groups for fear that you will need joke’s explaining or potentially will take their friends away. Because they are contacting you when they NEED something, if a crisis resolves or the crutch is no longer needed you get dumped.

Try and find new friends, these ones just sound like users- of both time and energy.