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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being ignored in front of DC

20 replies

Doievenexist · 13/11/2023 07:55

Separated from ExH nearly 2 years ago (because of the stonewalling, silent treatment, blaming me for everything, moodswings, criticism etc). Unfortunately we have been stuck in the same house while he dragged sorting the finances through court. It’s done now and we will be living separately soon.

Since I filed for divorce he hasn’t spoken to me. When I tried he would blank me and shut the door in my face, so I have long since given up (even though that is a pain if I want to say something like I’ve given DC some calpol). I can text him and he may or may not reply.

He doesn’t even talk to me or even look at me, even in front of the DC (7 and 5). I feel awful for putting them
through this. It makes me wish I had stayed with him because I can’t believe how things are. I’m doing everything I can to be strong for them.

He’s refusing to go to parents evening and saying he needs his own appointment as he can’t attend with me.

I guess some people will say this is normal and why would an ex speak to you, maybe I deserve it for initiating the separation. But this wasn’t what I expected at all. I thought we’d be able to be civil for the kids at least.

I feel so sad for them. And for me too. I feel pretty worthless.

Not really sure why I’m posting. Just looking for some support I guess.

OP posts:
FritataPatate · 13/11/2023 08:01

Sounds awful! I hope it is sorted out quickly. Xx

DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 08:11

Keep going, you’ll get there. And he’s a twat.

yellowsmileyface · 13/11/2023 08:13

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how agonising the silent treatment and being ignored can be. For him to do so in front of the kids is really not on. I'm glad to hear you've separated. He's proving you've made the right decision by continuing with such childish behaviour. You've absolutely done the right thing.

I know it's shit now but this situation is temporary, and things will be so much better when you're living separately. You're not the one putting your DC through this, he's the one making things difficult, so please don't feel bad.

Devilsmommy · 13/11/2023 08:21

DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 08:11

Keep going, you’ll get there. And he’s a twat.

This in a nutshell

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 13/11/2023 09:05

Give him the same treatment back, what have you got to lose.
Take back your power.
If you need to tell him anything text him but don't expect a reply, don't facilitate anything for him just text him the info.
He needs a different appointment for parents evening, let him get on with it.
He's doing this to punish you, don't let him get under your skin.
Concentrate on your DC, act as normal around them, be bright and breezy, your normal self in the hope that the DC doesn't spot you are not speaking to each other.
When you're living separately set up an email for communication. Sounds like you've made the right decision to leave him, stick it out, you're nearly there.

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 13/11/2023 09:10

Speak to him like everything is normal and let the kids see what an arse he is.

VisiblyNot25 · 13/11/2023 09:35

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s absolutely not your fault. He sounds awful. Show the kids it isn’t normal or okay to ignore someone by talking to him as normally &civilly as you can. You’ll get through it.

Category7 · 13/11/2023 10:17

This is only temporary and whilst you are in it it is completely shit but you know this will be over soon, there is an end, hold onto that, imagine that future. This also demonstrates you made the right decision.

He can sort his own parents' evening appointment out so leave him to it. Lots of arsehole Dads do this where the teacher has 2 appointments for the same child. It isn't something new to the school so let him crack on.

AltitudeCheck · 13/11/2023 10:23

Your kids will notice this. My dad was the same to my mum and how he acted in those years really affected the memories we hold of him as a 'dad'.

I can now see he was acting like that because he was scared and hurting and he didn't have the words to address how he felt. I wish though he had been able to see the damage he was causing us, his kids, who grew up learning silence was how to deal with conflict, that love was conditional and could be revoked. It has led to some very unhealthy relationships for us as adults.

Original poster
Doievenexist · 14/11/2023 11:39

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. I’m currently sat in a hospital waiting room waiting for an appointment for our daughter (she has an ongoing condition requiring lots of appointments) and he is completely blanking me. I’m trying to be strong so DD isn’t upset but inside I feel like crying.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 14/11/2023 11:57

@Doievenexist

Please don't doubt you are doing the right thing - not just for yourself, but for your children also. You must be incredibly strong to have survived living with a bully like this in such close quarters. BTW I hope you are doing absolutely nothing at all for someone behaving in such a mentally abusive way to you. 🌹

Gettingbysomehow · 14/11/2023 11:59

God what a big baby he is. He really should grow up. I'll bet you can't wait to leave.

TheCrystalPalace · 14/11/2023 12:14

Good luck to him getting his own special appointment for parents evening. We don't offer those at my school - unless there is logged DV.

Original poster
Doievenexist · 14/11/2023 12:20

I think he’s told the school he doesn’t feel safe with me…

OP posts:
Original poster
Doievenexist · 14/11/2023 12:20

I just want to run away…

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 14/11/2023 13:05

I really feel for you.

Im divorcing my Stbxh because he was a bully. Things have dragged on because he doesn’t like the idea of a 50/50 split. I thought having the law on my side and a solicitor would help. It hasn’t and I’m coming to the realisation the only way to divorce to to just accept what he wants to offer me. It’s unfair but I can manage on it.

Im telling you my experience because I have found that whatever the behaviour is that makes you want to leave them, is the behaviour that will go into overdrive. In my case it’s bullying, in your case it’s stonewalling and the silent treatment, but in spades.

The way I look at it is that it is inevitable they behave that way. It’s their go to emotion, it always has and always will be their behaviour. It’s like asking a baby not to cry when it is thirsty. It’s just an inevitable fact of life this will happen.

Try to remember you are on the last hurdle. You say you will be living separately soon, you just need to endure and grey rock just a little longer. Do you have a date set yet? If so get a calendar and cross off the days.

I had to move out after 8 months of living in the same house as my stbxh, as he would follow me from room to room haranguing me and shouting. Ironic that we are both suffering from opposite behaviours. Yours is not talking at all, and mine wouldn’t shut up!

Eyes on the prize, keep imagining your future life. Your own space with happy kids and decorated how you want. Freedom from being seen and judged all the time.

Even if your ex displays no emotions towards you, or it’s just a silent anger, he will still be unhappy inside. For him to have kept it up this long proves that you are taking up a lot of headspace inside his mind. The more you can act like you just don’t care, the more it will do his head in. It you have got to the petty stage, this may feel like a bit of a win for you.

People keep telling me that I’m being strong, but I don’t feel it. I’m trying to think that although this process has already wasted too much of my life, one day I’ll look back on it and think to myself. “That was the bravest/best thing I’ve ever done was to get free of that wanker”.

You will have good days and bad days. This is just a bad day, a blip, a passing phase. But one day it will be over (that’s what I keep telling myself).

anotherdisaster · 14/11/2023 13:10

Wow what an absolute child he is. Pathetic behaviour and a great role model for the kids (not). You are 100% doing the right thing by divorcing him.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/11/2023 13:16

At least you know 100% that indeed you did make the right decision. He is behaving like an arse, it’s not a good look.
it might be an idea to contact the school so that they are aware of the home situation.

TheCatterall · 14/11/2023 13:38

Doesn’t feel safe with you but continues to reside in same house for 2 years behind closed doors. School arent daft @Doievenexist - they will pick up on this bullshit.

chin up.

id just stop communicating with him.

put appointments on a shared calendar. If he checks/attends that’s on him.

if he wants his own appointments - that’s on him to arrange.

please tell me you aren’t also doing any other admin for him.

have you got your own car etc and paperwork sorted?

good luck.

MothralovesGojira · 14/11/2023 15:03

This is horribly abusive of him and he's continuing his abusive silent treatment because HE wants to. You seem to be handling it well on the surface but I would strongly suggest that you contact Women's Aid or your local group (if there is one) for support if you've not done so already. If he's still doing this to you at this stage (and that length of time seems really evil and very deliberate tbh) then how long until he turns this on your children when they 'displease' him?
You should probably look at getting yourself on the Freedom Programme and/or some therapy so that you can support your DC better later.

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