Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

End of relationship

10 replies

Stanno · 13/11/2023 05:42

Yesterday, after 2 years together, my partner ended our relationship. And I’m devastated.

The crux of it came down to babies. I’m about to turn 41 and he’s 36. I said I wanted a family from the outset and he was in agreement.

Now that I’m at a point where it’s time, he has decided he’s not there and doesn’t know if he ever will be. He has a lot of demons from his childhood that he is finally beginning to deal with and he said he needs to deal with these as his priority (he recently disclosed that he was raped at 16 by someone in a position of authority).

He said I’m meant to be a mother and he doesn’t want to stop me from trying to do this as he knows he is being selfish if he keeps me waiting for him to catch up. We were looking into IVF beforehand due to his infertility so I guess I carry on with that plan but alone.

He keeps saying that as we still love each other we can still be in each others lives and maybe one day find ourselves together again but I don’t want to be longing for this.

I’m so sad that the life I thought was in front of me is no longer within reach. I waited a long time to find him and to now be back where I was 2 years ago is soul destroying.

Please tell me it’ll get better 💔

OP posts:
Tusktusk · 13/11/2023 05:53

So sorry you’re going through this.

Something jumped out about your post - HE said you are meant to be a mother so he broke up with you. Do YOU feel you have to be a mother above all other life paths? Do you want that at the expense of this relationship? If so, then yes, you will need to move on and plan for single parenting. But don’t let him keep you dangling with a ‘maybe sometime in the future’ half promise. He’s either all in or all out.

Bless you, you sound heartbroken and I really feel for you.

Tusktusk · 13/11/2023 05:57

I meant to say too, that IF you can imagine and accept a happy life without becoming a mother, maybe it is salvageable. Although that depends on whether his reason for breaking up is exactly what he says it is and not just an excuse.

Ala2 · 13/11/2023 05:59

So sorry

Original poster
Stanno · 13/11/2023 06:10

I’ve always said it’s what I wanted, and while I got to a place where I thought we could be happy together without a child, I knew that I had to try rather than think what if for the rest of my life and risk resenting him.

OP posts:
Dumdedum25 · 13/11/2023 06:19

My relationship broke down as my BF was struggling to come to terms with being abused as a child and essentially had a bit of a breakdown. We had been together 10 years. I was 40 and he was 42.
He’d wanted children then wasn’t sure, then didn’t think he wanted any. There’s lots more to this story but the upshot was he left and 2 years later he was expecting a child with someone else. Meanwhile I’ve been so broken that having another relationship has been hard, had no money to do IVF on my own, and am trying to come to terms that he is living the life I should have had with someone else, and I’m not going to be a mother. His child will now be around 1.5 years old.
It is really hard to know what is best, and sorry I haven’t got a more positive story to tell.

FannyBawz · 13/11/2023 06:24

I hate it when men squander women’s fertility like that.

Sorry OP, you must be in bits. ❤️❤️❤️

Wouldyouguess · 13/11/2023 06:27

Sorry t hear that, but you will be better without him.

"He keeps saying that as we still love each other we can still be in each others lives and maybe one day find ourselves together again but I don’t want to be longing for this."

Fuck that. This is so selfish, like keeping his options open just in case and have you waiting while he is trying to find himself. It's great that he is trying to sort out past issues, but he keps you waiting for 2 years.
Forget about him, block, move on.

Ala2 · 13/11/2023 06:28

Hi. So sorry for you. But you must try and pick up. What was gone was gone. Best off without him.
start again. You’ll meet someone new. Maybe you could be a step mum or adopt. Save money. Do IVF. Maybe the next man can help you.
if he had mental health problems and you tried to help, but he wasn’t grateful, he’s not worth it. If he held you back from your life, he’s not worth it. Don’t take him back if he comes crawling

plsbequiet · 13/11/2023 07:08

Dumdedum25 · 13/11/2023 06:19

My relationship broke down as my BF was struggling to come to terms with being abused as a child and essentially had a bit of a breakdown. We had been together 10 years. I was 40 and he was 42.
He’d wanted children then wasn’t sure, then didn’t think he wanted any. There’s lots more to this story but the upshot was he left and 2 years later he was expecting a child with someone else. Meanwhile I’ve been so broken that having another relationship has been hard, had no money to do IVF on my own, and am trying to come to terms that he is living the life I should have had with someone else, and I’m not going to be a mother. His child will now be around 1.5 years old.
It is really hard to know what is best, and sorry I haven’t got a more positive story to tell.

This is awful. I'm so sorry.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 13/11/2023 07:45

I so sorry OP 💐

I do think he was future faking with you. He was all 'yes I want babies' until it was crux time.

Good luck 💐

New posts on this thread. Refresh page