Family dynamic: Been 5 years already, husband still cut off his aunts because of me.

[justahousewife]

Hi, sorry English is my third language.

Long term married, been with my husband since 25 and we 39 now. We don't fight, if we do it always me started the fight and I fight with him over things like this.

Every year Christmas roll around, I can't stop thinking about this. And I feel bad, that it like it because of "me" that why he lost an aunt, which he does not think like that all, he said I need to understand that he does NOT want someone like her in his life.

Thanksgivng coming around and so Christmas, I told him to let it go, it been 5 years, he said NEVER, and that he does not want her in his life. He also said it his aunts, let him deal with her. He still hold grudge against her and this is Christmas #5

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My husband aunt doesn't like me, due to I can't bear him children (our son died of brain disease, got it from me, brain disease run in my side of the family and I'm the baby's mother), can't carry on the family name, has no college degree, housewife depending on my husband 100% financially, old (39, will be 40 consider high risk mom, hitting menopause), plain looking, leeching on her nephew money, etc.. you get the gist.

During holiday family gettogether his aunts told him to to to China, Russia or other poor countries, and find a younger girl who can birth him a child and carry on the family name, young and beautiful looking, long legs and all, virgin even.

She told him just use his USD income (he has a good paying job), his house, his U.S. citizenship, a poor girl in poor countries WILL married him for his USD and so they can come to U.S. under spousal Visa to get out of poverty and have a better future in U.S.

His aunts also show him photos of her friend's daughter try to matchmaker him.

-- He was furious, like MAD. Right at the dinner table in front of everyone, he slam his fist on the table and yelled "ENOUGH".

Told his aunt to apologize to me, and told her that she no longer his aunt. And point his finger at her and said to everyone that this would be the last time he sit in the same table that has this "woman". He refer to his aunt as "this woman". And do not call him to any family gettogether that has her presence.

And apologize to his mom as he has to leave, and he grabbed my hand and left and slam the door on his way out.

At the time when it happened, I was speechless, he was fierce and even overly protective of me.

Fast forward, this Christmas is year 5, and he still does exactly what he said that day, he has not speak a word to his aunts again, and has not get to any holiday family gettogether that has his aunts in it, and she in ALL the family gettogether, lol. Basically he only see his mom.

It been 5 years and he still hold grudge against her, frankly.

With me, I would let it go. As his aunts was just reminding him that he has OTHER options out there. Does his aunt hurt my feelings? Yes. But I wasn't mad, she he just speaking the truth. And these things are out there, I see it with my own eyes, my childhood friend's husband found a younger girl in China and divorce my best friend and sponsor that young China girl to U.S.

My husband said he will NEVER let it go, and I need to understand he does NOT want a woman like her in his life.

I dunno I feel bad, afterall they are blood related family (it his paternal aunt, his dad deceased already). I feel that it "me" that why he fight with his aunt like that. Had he didn't married me then all this wouldn't happened.

I guess I'm venting this out, as every year holiday roll around is I can't stop thinking about it. I feel that it because of me, I ruin the relationship between him and his aunts.

They ruined their relationship with him by being so openly disrespectful to you, be proud of him for protecting your relationship and refusing to see them again -.sounds like a good man you have so appreciate that.

Thanksgiving must be a difficult time. Do you spend a lot of time with your own aunts and uncles and it reminds you that he doesn't?

Firstly, it is not your fault. It is the aunt’s for being rude and demeaning. Your husband is a good man who loves you. So many women on here would be thrilled to have a husband like yours, who defends you and does not allow people to treat you badly. And he is right not to allow that poisonous woman into your lives, not without a huge apology anyway. Do not dwell on this. Your husband is right.

You can’t deny him his feelings about this. Yes he was defending you also, but she was rude about and to him. He is allowed to be endlessly offended. It is not your fault. His aunt was thoroughly obnoxious to him and about you.

It’s not on you and he must decide if indeed he ever allowed this terrible woman back into his life. I have an awful family and nothing annoys me more in my marriage than my husband telling me that we need to move on.

Your subject title is wrong, your husband didn't cut off his family because of you, he cut off his family because of THEM!!!!
It was their behaviour, not yours.
Your husband clearly adores you and has your back. That's such a good quality to have.
You've both been through a traumatic experience and I'm heartbroken for you.
His aunt sounds heartless and hasn't considered either of your feelings before opening her big mouth, and to be honest the rest of the family should have taken offence on your behalf also and not include her in family gatherings.

Have you had counselling or spoken to anyone about your son?

You need to think of this differently.

1. Well done to your husband for standing up for you when they were being vile
2. This is between your husband and his aunts now. I would have one final conversation where you say 'if you ever want to make contact again, I will support you, but if you choose to remain no contact with them then I respect that and I respect you'
3. Let go of the guilt. He's a grown man making his own (pretty sensible!) decisions

It sounds like you might carry some wider guilt for other things out of your control with regards to your son. That sounds incredibly tough. I would also consider if you need anything, such as counselling, to help you explore your feelings.

What a gallant and wonderful man you married.
I'm sorry that you have both had hardship and loss, OP. Stand by your man.

Your husband sounds lovely. He feels how he feels and with good reason. If he ever speaks to the venomous aunt again it is up to him. I am sorry your son died.

On a side, do you not want more for yourself out of life than being a housewife? Have you considered alternatives such as adoption? Fostering?
Or working/ running own business?
It's surprising that you are the one wanting reconciliation when all the vitriol was aimed at you from his aunts. Don't give your DH a hard time over sticking up for you. He's being loyal, that's a good thing.

Well it's a refreshing change to hear about a husband standing up against relatives who are being totally beyond unreasonable!

You did nothing wrong OP. The blame for this estrangement is 100% at the Aunt's feet, and your DH is absolutely right in his defence if you and cutting contact with her.

Give him a big hug.

It isn't your fault.
It wasn't caused by you.
Your husband has made a very reasonable decision.

Good on your husband.
His aunt sounds awful. She’d basically traffic a young woman to bear children to carry on a family name? Disgusting.

I’m so sorry to hear about your son, that sounds very traumatic. Forget about this horrible woman, concentrate on you and your husband and your life together.

He sounds like a good loyal husband and his Aunts sound vile and he is best rid of her. In reality she doesn’t even care about him because what she has suggested - basically ‘buying’ a poor woman, means she doesn’t care if your husband was used for money and there was no love involved. She doesn’t want him to be loved like you must love him, she just wants him to have children. He’s made the right decision for him and you.

Thank you so much for all the comments give me inputs/advice. I really appreciated, as I know everyone time is precious.

I'm Chinese, my husband is not Chinese, so probably cultural difference here.

To answer some questions, No, I have not get therapy/counseling help about my son death, I'm just a very closed up person irl, I don't like to talk out my feelings, I'm not a good communicator, and I'm a doormat I guess.

My husband is the opposite, he has no problem talk out his feelings, let his feelings be known and stood up for himself and his love ones.

And his aunts never like me, BUT she didn't be that blunt said it straight out in my face until AFTER the death of our child (whom died of brain disease), maybe to her since the baby is already dead, she has a reason to break me and him off, wants him to divorce me and married a younger girl in poor country who can birth him children and carry on the family name.

And I admit I do have low self-esteem and his aunt comments does TANK my self esteem even lower. I know it a "me" issue and it not a him issue.

Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough for him (indeed like his aunts said). I mean he has good stable well pay job which he has been working in his career/job field for 16 years already, good job good income, financially secure and good looking and tall and fit. He indeed like what his aunts said, he can find someone else if he wants, he has OTHER options out there. I have nothing to offer him.

And I also think blood thicker than water (since she his dad sister, paternal aunt, his dad already deceased). But to him, a woman like her blood related relation is moot, he sees her based on her character and how she is, not because she his aunts. He doesn't want her anywhere near me, and he doesn't want to be anywhere near her.

Tbh, I don't think most of his family members like me (it not just his aunts) they just not say it to my face like his aunts. But I do get the feelings they not like me due to the reason I said in my OP.

He literally doesn't care, he said he build his own family, me him and his mom is enough (his dad deceased already), whoever in his family think like what his aunts think about me, he will cut them off.

I dunno he just a very confident person, he sets his boundaries very clear. To him, he always work make his own money, he never rely on his family for a penny, so who is his aunts to be disrespectful like that, aunt-nephew relative relations is moot to him. He can get defensive.

Just like he gets defensive, like he said who is she (his aunts) to define his happiness for him, to dictate who he happy with, ONLY he can define and dictate that. And he is happy with me.

I know he loves me, it just I feel his aunts is right you know, I have nothing to offer him, while like his aunts said, other women has alot to offer him.