Farm wife seeking complicated advice

[Birdsofprey]

Sorry, this is long.

I love my husband, and his family.

I thought I knew what I was marrying into, because I'd worked on a few farms so the labor was familiar to me.

Basically, hubby's grandpa owns the family farm. We farm 1,000 acres, some lots leased some owned. Not sure what the proportion is.

"The farm" owns our home. So no rent or mortage, but also if we lose the farm, we lose our home.

I don't mind the april-november 16 hour days. I mostly don't mind that sometimes I'm doing various rennovation projects on my own because my husband is too tired.

What I do mind, and want advice on how to handle before I freaking explode:
Granpa owns the farm, but he doesnt live on it or work it.
In laws are the farm managers. FIL is a narcissict who I can't stand. MIL.. I love her, but the better I get to know her, I don't like her. Example: we have a 6 month old baby, and in laws live 10 minutes from us on another farm owned home. I'm done making plans with her or accepting offers to babysit so I can go to a dr appt because she cancels everything last minute and screws me.
Grandpa doesn't like women being in charge of business, so FIL is really the one in charge but MIL and hubby are worked and stressed to a point where I'm suprised they havent had a heart attack, just keeping the farm alive from FIL's stupidity.

MIL doesnt want to subject me to FIL's tantrums, so there has been outright REFUSAL to teach me to do anything on the farm that I don't currently know from previous job, "to protect me". Let me deal with him and or make that decision on my own!!!! This means that I know very little of what actually goes on because grandpa wants to protect hubby from FIL tantrum, and MIL wants to protect me. So hubby was told to go to college and get a degree, with the promise of working on the family farm when finished and just needing to work off-farm until then, and is just permanently on-call with the farm if FIL isn't around, or is preoccupied, and hubby's experience is needed. The entire thing is a cluster fuck.

Hubby is the only one of 5 kids interested in farming. So he's supposed to eventually inheret the farm which is why he's willing to put his soul into something this convoluted.

I've been remodeling my chicken coop. Long story short, the thing was a disaster when I moved in two years ago and it's been a PROJECT. MIL recently told me how my coop is gonna operate when it's finished. I don't even remember what she said because I tuned most of it out. She has 5 coops, and wants our properties to work in tandem basically. But -telling- me how my coop was gonna work, just because she owns the property rubbed me the wrong way.

I was a stay at home mom for baby until recently because we could afford it, but we can't any longer (burned through my personal savings to do so) and I went back to work last month. I work nights, hubby works days. I sleep very little, mostly just with baby during her daytime naps. Hubby is a full time college student "who can't multitask" so I've got baby duty + house duty + yard duty + doing the remodel I was SUPPOSED (yes, I'm mildy angered) to get help with by myself + winter prep of chopping wood, stacking it, and kindling because a fireplace is how we heat our home... 90% by myself unless I peek, see he isn't in a test, drop baby in a play pen in his study, and walk away to make dinner or do whatever it is I can't do with a baby, which isn't always feasible because of what he's working on or what I need to do.

I just want to explode some days with the utter bullshit of it all.

If it was just hubby, baby, and I on our own plot I don't think I'd be nearly as pissed/stressed/confused all the time, but the combination just....

Add that when we dated, and pre-baby, we had discussed having 2-3 kids so no single one felt the burden of keeping the family farm on their shoulders, but 7 months post baby, I'm very conflicted because I don't think I can do this again. Emotionally, physically, definately can't afford it financially (plus, the idea of "would I feel guilty for giving baby A 7 months of stay at home mom but baby B only got whatever maternity leave my job offered, which is likely to be 2 months or less?"). Plus, grandpa recently decided hubby needs to get a job outside the family farm (to "expand his knowledge of how successful farms make it") once he finishes his degree next month, which means that one person at home on the farm with baby helping with farm chores while the other is at work is no longer an option, so either we work opposite shifts or pay for a babysitter.

I told him a few weeks ago that I definately can't do postpartum 2x again, and he said he's OK with it if I can't even do it 1x more, because he loves me more than our potential children, even if we have to adopt to keep the pressure off the kids shoulders, but realistically we can't afford to adopt, so if I decide I can't do this again, our current child will be an only child with all the weight of the farm.

AND - it doesn't help that I can count the number of times we've had sex in the last year on one hand. I used to be the initiator, my drive is easily twice his if not more, but starting at the end of the pregnancy, my want to dissapeared and now.. I want to want to have sex, but I just don't have it in me.

So my life looks great on the outside, but is a giant stressful shit show on the inside.

Does anybody have basically coping advice for me

I have no advice but lots of sympathy. I also married a farmer's son, but only because he had absolutely zero interest in taking the farm on. I've seen this kind of nonsense happen so many times in Ireland, and I would never want to live my life dancing to someone's tune to get an inheritance that may never come. My father-in-law tried to hold an inheritance over us, we just ignored him and did our own thing. He eventually admitted he admired our stance in not putting up with his demands and we ended up inheriting anyway. So if I were you I would slowly try and extricate myself somehow from this total financial dependence, although I think you have a tricky road ahead. Good luck!

This is madness

You need to sleep. Whatever plan you settle on needs to include an uninterrupted 8 hour stretch every other night as a minimum. Sleep is the foundation for everything else.

No one seems to have pointed out to you that you want to have another child, so your child won't have to shoulder the burden of the farm alone, but your dh has siblings and still is shouldering that burden alone.

Grandpa and your husband need to speak about how he will inherit the farm.
Your husband needs certainty about the plan.
Will he receive say 10% ownership every five years? or will he have to purchase the farm etc.
It is only fair that you and your husband know the plan and have a water tight written agreement before you waste your life's work and stress your marriage.
Non farm siblings, who never know the full impact of working on the farm, suddenly appear when people die and want to be treated as equals.
It is only fair that Grandpa is up front.
If FIL is a dick then he needs to retire.

No wonder you are worrying and you have no structure in the business that can support your small family..

Also I agree with you concentrating on your own career pathway and create a joyous and rewarding working life.

No, this setup is mad. I assume you aren't in the UK?

My advice - you aren’t paying rent or mortgage, so should be able to pay for daytime childcare. Move from working nights to days, pay for childcare. Build your own career and don’t work on the farm, at all. That’s your husbands job, you have a different job that takes you out of the picture.

For your own sanity, you need to be separate from this. For your family’s sake, you need to build an income away from the farm.

Do not invest another penny into someone else’s by without getting something in writing about you owning a share- not “should inherit in the future” - owning a share now. You should not have put any of your money into a chicken coop you don’t own and have no rights over. Don’t make that mistake again.

MIL won’t divorce FIL. If she was going to do that, she’d have done it by now.

Was it just your personal savings subsidising you stay at home?
What if your child has no interest in farming? Having another would be massively cruel and unfair under these circumstances.
Remember, the farm will eventually leave the family anyway, somewhere down the line. Be it in many many years.
What happens if the older members get to needing care? Who do you think they will expect to provide it?!
God, what a life.

Having no control over your own day never mind fate and having that control in the hands of controlling disrespectful people is the textbook definition of stressful, it will break you and your marriage if you and DH don't make a plan to make some changes.
You've had some good suggestions here though, I hope you can get there.

Maybe not all the "characters" but not an unknown situation in UK farming families I'm afraid

Maybe DH getting a job outside the family farm is no bad thing. It means he will be earning his own money and will be gaining experience outside the control of the family.

Agree with those saying see if you can get a daytime job and pay for childcare from both salaries.

You don't need to make any big decisions about having another baby at this point unless you're in your 30s.

Personally I think the only thing that's going to work is you three leave the farm and have your own jobs and place to live. Even if everyone else weren't massive control freaks and misogynists, the likelihood of the inheritance surviving two generations intact seems a bit ropey, and not one to dedicate all your efforts towards.

Not unless they’ve moved Oregon……

Stop doing the farm work.
Work and pay for childcare so you get some sleep.
Buy some electric heaters if it's on you alone to sort the firewood.
You protect you.
Then decide on the status of your marriage once you see dh's reaction to this.

There’s no saying that the farm will come to your DH. Something financially catastrophic might take it all away, plus you don’t know how many acres he actually owns.
Id be wanting and working towards something of my own, to pass down to DC.

In the old Mumsnet way… you don’t have a Family problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to be the one to hear you and help you.
If he doesn’t see it as an issue, he’s not going to make any changes, therefore you’re stuck with this situation.
You are the only person who can make any changes for you and your child now, as it sounds like your dh is happy with situation. Why wouldn’t he be when you’re doing everything.
It sounds incredibly difficult and really isn’t sustainable, my heart goes out to you, how exhausted you must be.
Do you have family you can stay with for a while?

Op, something needs to change here

sorry to add @Birdsofprey - the reason I say to get a daytime job and pay for childcare, is you can’t change everyone else’s reaction to this situation, only your own. Removing the possibility of your Labour (by moving to day time working), removes you from the farming equation. Having your own income, removes some of the wider family control over your life choices.

They don’t want woman to farm- so fine, go build a different career. Just because MIL had 5 children and helped her dad and husband run the farm, while having no say or control, doesn’t mean you have to. Your dh getting a job elsewhere (even if it’s part time and part time on the family farm) would be good for him too.

And please please build your own pension.

I’d suggest focusing on the first problem facing you: sleep/equitable division of childcare. Sorting out the farm/inheritance/future baby issue comes later when you’re not on your knees - it’s too big a job for now. Your DH studies during the day/gets called out for farm jobs at intervals, yes? Does he have to attend lessons at set times? What does his standard day look like? When do you get back from your night shift?
Assuming you work an 8-hour shift from say 10pm to 6am, get home at 6.30am. Assuming DH has to be in lessons between 9 and 2. DH does farm chores 6.30 to 9, you look after baby. You go to bed at 2 and get up at 9 to get ready for work, he looks after your baby during that time, which includes putting baby to bed which might give him an extra hour or two of chores time in the evening. You might get a bit of downtime around baby’s day naps. Can he put the baby in a sling and take them along on some jobs? Which ones are acceptable for baby to go on and which might your DH have to tell his family he can’t cover during those hours? You need to work out a schedule like this, putting in real times. If there aren’t any blocks of minimum 6 hours straight when you could be sleeping, something has to change. Put it down here and people can help you work out how to focus on that change.

What I’m seeing - you’re doing all the work and everyone including DH is taking you for granted. The reward is a long way in the future and very uncertain. Who is this serving? Not you!

1. get DH to pull his weight. He’s a full time student who can’t multi task? What rubbish! When I was a student I had a job to keep me afloat. I can’t believe he lets you chop the wood etc (fine for a woman to do it but get the impression you’re doing it because no one else will). Get him to pull his finger out of his area and support you for fuck’s sake.
2. what is your income and where does it come from? Get yourself an independent income pronto and by that something that has no reliance on this shit show whatsoever. I mean you, not you and DH. You need an income, independence, stability and an escape hatch should it ever come to that.
3. all the inheritance stuff is shit unless it’s talked about openly, in writing, and everyone including the siblings know where they stand. Otherwise there will be a bunfight later and you stand to be seriously disappointed.
4. get some sleep, talk, take action.
5. give it a year, and if nothing changes, leave.

This sounds very difficult but not uncommon in both family businesses and farming communities. Women generally are really exposed - security and housing whilst it goes ok, nothing when it doesn’t. As pp - build your own income and security ( as it sounds like you are doing?) maybe get some independent legal advice and pension/estate planning, connect with your local farmers network or whatever the US equivalent is- and know you are doing a good job in really difficult circumstances. Farming is a whole culture and lifestyle and often the economic realities are not part of this- it’s easy to work fingers to the bone and have little to show for it. Off farm work that builds a nest egg and some security is very commonly needed in later life. You sound intelligent and resourceful- use these skills off the farm rather than getting involved in chicken coop projects where you ultimately have no autonomy. And don’t have more children in this situation.

Haha, arse not area!!

@Birdsofprey you say your husband doesn’t see the issue with all this - of course he doesn’t as he was raised to believe this shitshow was normal and you are carrying all the home and family load, a work load, a farm load, probably the mental admin of a lot of it…. Imagine if you weren’t living there and you had your own little place - just you and the little one. How bloody peaceful your life would be.

you and hubby are going to get screwed over repeatedly by Grandpa and FIL for at least another 20/30 years. MIL won’t do anything. Just complain. Empty threats.

No guarantee as to what’s in the will. No guarantee other siblings won’t get bits of stuff etc.

I say this with love - do not submit your child to this lifestyle - not in the current extended circumstances - do not place the farming life expectations on them. It feels more like a jail sentence than a lifestyle.

Ok:- and breathe

1. talk to your husband and work together to work out key priorities eg
2. get training on all major tasks
3. delegate/ organise the work 3)talk to mail about how to move forward into running the farm
4. find solutions to some of the problems FIL is causing.

Speak to mail as a team

1. ask for what you want
2. show her how you can support her
3. get a babysitter

Surely the best plan is this:

If Grandpa wants hubby to get a job after graduating so he can experience how other farms operate - then he does. At the far end of the country, as far away as possible, with live in accommodation.