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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling brother

6 replies

Cararara · 13/11/2023 01:04

Can I ask for help understanding this please?

About a decade ago my half brother came into my life. We have since become close. I enjoy spending time with him and he's kind and supportive and fun. I love having him in my life. I think he is a genuinely great person. He is about 15 years older than me.

However in terms of our lifestyles we are very different. We come from quite a complicated family where parents didn't provide much support at all. However I was lucky in that I had a friend's parent who acted as a pseudo mum to me for years, I completed school and now work a good job and have my own place.

He dropped out of school without any qualifications. He did later do a degree through an access course. He is very intelligent. However he has never held down a job for very long, he works minimum wage in service industry roles and will typically quit after a few months or possibly up to a year and then run his savings down, panic and then get another job. There was a point recently where he basically ran out of money and was nearly homeless and he lived with me for a good period of time as a result. He has credit card debt too. He doesn't have any kids or a partner and doesn't maintain friendships for more than a year typically, they always seem to end.

Currently he rents somewhere nice which I supported him to get.

I find watching his life difficult at times and he is defensive when I try and discuss them with him. His reasoning is that none of this stuff matters as he is going to make it big doing online day trading in the next few months and he just needs to get round to it but hasn't been feeling well recently. I think possibly he could have some physical health issues, autoimmune issues etc that are undiagnosed, however there's a lot more to it than that. He has been saying that for years. He talks about wanting a house, a wife, kids, money etc. However he hasn't dated in the last twenty years and works part time on minimum wage (he could easily get more hours). He frequently refers to how he's about to become incredibly rich soon day trading.

I find it really hard to know what to say to him about any of these things. Occasionally I will try and challenge him on the online day trading idea and he will get angry and defensive and start raising his voice. So I tend to drop it.

He also has a habit of watching YouTube conspiracy videos online and will come out with statements about how women really just want to stay at home and raise babies and don't really want to work and he'll make other comments about how climate change isn't real, or how Black Lives Matter isn't a good movement and shouldn't be supported. I find these things very unpleasant. I do challenge him on these things but it can create a lot of tension. He is quick with words and would talk endlessly on a topic to try and win an argument.

I really enjoy spending time with him and feel lucky he is in my life. However I know that he has no financial security and I don't know what will happen to him as he gets older. He is in his fifties.

I don't know really what I can do, if anything. All of these things are his choices.

I also don't know how likely any of this is to change. I assume not at all? He would never go to therapy. He appears convinced that he is about to make it big day trading and doesn't see any problems.

I don't know how you describe this sort of way of thinking or approach to life, has anyone else come across this? Any advice? I'd love it if he became happier, had more financial security etc, but I feel like I will watch him cycle through these patterns for the rest of my life.

Any perspective would be great.

OP posts:
GoingOffOnATangent · 13/11/2023 04:03

Unlikely to change if he's fifties now I'd say.
Sounds like he had a tough start and has acquired some maladaptive coping mechanisms including blame shifting and sticking his head in the sand.
It's very sad when someone's personality and their nurturing (or lack of it) combine to create a person who runs away from life's realities and is then drawn to arguments that resonate as they validate this world view.

All you can do is support as far as you are able without getting dragged down with him.
You could suggest counselling or good opportunities to better his situation but he doesn't think he's got a problem so you'd be wasting your time.
Just don't ever lend him any more time or money then you can afford to lose.
Meanwhile it's hard because it's sad to see the waste of his potential.

BMW6 · 13/11/2023 13:26

Oh OP he's fully cooked as it were. He's not going to emerge like a butterfly in his bloody 50's! This is as good as it gets for him I suspect.

As for him being so nice and such good company - really? This man who uses his shouting to shut down your enquiries? This man who has Incel tendencies? This utter fantasist living in Billy Liar World?

To be blunt. He's a loser and a bully, and I wonder how much he is maintaining a relationship with you to see what he can get financially.

By all means continue a relationship, but please open your eyes and see him as he truly is.

Gallowayan · 13/11/2023 14:41

Yes, the day trading plan is definitely a defence mechanism, so he won't like you questioning it. 80% of retail investors attempting this lose money and he would be one of the 80% for sure. He has no money to finance it with in any case.

I honestly thought you were describing someone much younger to begin with His formative years are long gone and I'm afraid this is the best he is going to be. Please think carefully before providing too much 'help' he will drain you financially and emotionally and you will never fix him. If you want him in your life just accept that he is the way he is.

BoredOfBeingTired · 13/11/2023 18:56

My husband is in his fifties....believe me, what you see now is what you will get in the future. By their fifties (most) men are fully formed personalities with very little wiggle room for change.
Your brother is trying to convince you he is going to become an entirely different person, not likely!
You seem to be happy overlooking his multiple flaws leading to his chaotic lifestyle (not ideal for children, even if he did find a woman that wants children with him at his age) but you really have to open your eyes a little bit. He sounds like a bit of a knob to me that currently lives in fantasy land.

Cararara · 14/11/2023 14:35

Thanks. It's helpful to hear all of your views.

I think what I find difficult is knowing what to say when he goes through his long conversations about how he's going to make millions trading. I just sort of listen and then change the subject. Not sure what I should do?

Sometimes I do vary between thinking, ok, he had a difficult childhood and then that makes me feel more supportive of him and how he's stuck in a pattern he keeps repeating. Other days I think - he's bigoted and is he just using me so he has some stability in his life? Is he actually a good person? I feel like this range of views is reflected in the different responses to my post. I guess maybe you never really know what the answer is, it's just a matter of perspective?

OP posts:
Gallowayan · 14/11/2023 14:54

I don't think it is a matter of perspective; there is a fair degree of consensus in the replies you have had and also between the replies and how you view the situation. To be positive he is getting by in his own fashion and may not want to change. The best reply to the stuff about day trading is to say nothing or change the subject.

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