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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I expecting to much

4 replies

HappySunday1 · 13/11/2023 00:42

My partner is lovely he runs me baths rubs my back when I’m ill and does bits around the house although I do most but I work less. He’s never Been good at planning dates being romantic he sees buying flowers a waste of time etc it’s all the little things I love. I’ve made it clear to him that I love these things and do it for him naturally. When we first met he did some of these things but it’s stoped completely really. Well it all finally came to head recently, as he struggles with affection due to medication making him have no libido but we’ve both worked on that and are in a good place with it. after mentioning how I felt about the lack of attention the dates etc on his part I blew up and said how un loved all of this combined made me feel. He did try and talk out when I listed of all the previous dates we had done I planned he then said how was he supposed to know what was on at the theatre. So I shouted back well how did I know was my brain born with the what’s on program inside it no I bloody googled it. He’s then apologised for days saying he didn’t realise I felt like that but nothings really changed. I said to him a few days ago when it came up that i obviously feel worse about it as the amount of affection I want isn’t there so I maybe more annoyed about all the little things. But for once I want him to plan a nice date or surprise me could just be my favourite chocolate bar dosnt have to cost a lot.To make things worse our two friends are now dating and any time they come up between us and I say oh they’ve gone to the cinema or for dinner he then claims his friends not being genuine and is just trying to impress her. I’ve said are just annoyed as you think he’s making you look bad but he’s said no and that he’s just wooing her. He’s said he would go to therapy with me but i don’t think it would help as he thinks he does a lot.

OP posts:
Isthisreallydoable · 13/11/2023 00:49

Tell him you want to be "wooed" too. Just because he did it at the start to 'get' you, doesn't mean he doesn't have to continue doing it to keep you. Let him know exactly what you expect and how often you expect it. Tell him you want him to plan a special date at least once per month and you'd like a thoughtful gesture/small gift once a month too. As you've said, it can be small like your favourite chocolate bar, but you need to see the effect and the frequency ramped up so that you feel like he values you and loves you. Its not unreasonable, it's a small ask if it's something you can both afford to do, it's just about him putting the time into doing it.

Isthisreallydoable · 13/11/2023 00:50

Effect = effort

HappySunday1 · 13/11/2023 10:01

I’ve said that and nothing has changed he probably thinks he has. We had another argument over the fact he hadn’t upped his game but had only been 1.5 weeks. We’ve been arguing loads recently I’m snappy because I’m feeling like this. We’ve promised not to argue and had a big conversation but this wasn’t really addressed. We are also married he said I should know he loves me and not feel like he doesn’t. That I should not need all this stuff to prove he does. He would buy me chocolate and hug me more if I asked him can you get me a bar of chocolate or can I have a cuddle but I don’t want to have to ask. I doubt myself and feel silly as he’s such a nice husband in all the other ways he works really hard has allowed me to not really work because I’m unwell etc.

OP posts:
HappySunday1 · 13/11/2023 12:53

I can’t help but feel like I’m being dramatic when I say I want all these things he claims it’s not normal and the honeymoon period in in romcoms

OP posts:
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