Friend who lies.

[CompaniesHouse]

I don’t know exactly what I want from this post, thoughts and experiences I suppose.

I have a previously close friend who I’ve just spent some time with after not seeing her for a while. I was looking forward to seeing her.

it was nice enough but shortly afterwards, I’ve been feeling really agitated and uncomfortable and I kind of remembered some feelings about her that I’d forgotten in the past year of not seeing much of her.

On the surface she was really pleasant so I can’t put my finger on exactly what happened. There were a lot of comments she made that were untrue and also slightly barbed things about my partner and my DC - made in a chatty way that I didn’t understand at first. And comments to do with mutual friends that seemed designed to make me feel on the outside or unpopular. I now feel quite suspicious of her and, to use a hackneyed phrase, like she might be a bit toxic for me.

shes now quite involved in lots of communities I’m part of and I feel really unsettled - as if she’s bad mouthing me to other people, and I’m worried she’s so subtle about it, people will take her at face value. I know that she’s happy to stretch the truth (e.g. things she said about other people which I happen to know are lies) and I guess I just feel really worried about what lies she may have said about me. Nothing drastic, but things that would colour people’s opinion of me, rather than specific things that I could contest if someone asked me.

has anyone had a person like this in their life? And what did you do? I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and not care but it’s made me feel so vulnerable! I’m not usually timid or anxious and I hate feeling like this!

Examples: .

About a party I was at and she wasn’t “oh god I feel so bad about that! I invite you to a party and then I don’t even turn up!!!” (She didn’t invite me, it wasn’t her party, and I didn’t even know she’d been invited until this conversation).

about my partner’s new job “it’s so great he found something, it must have been so hard when he was pushed out [of previous job]” (he wasn’t, he was offered a new role by a contact and it was a better position than his previous one)

about my home life “I so admire you! it must be so hard not being able to ask your partner for more help because he never wanted your second child” (not strictly true although DC was a happy accident, I think I do get ample support from DP although I’m pt and he’s ft so he does do less)

This person isn’t your friend. They sound very toxic and understandably they have left you feeling upset. I’ve had people like this in my life in the past, and I’ve cut them out or spent as little time with them as possible.

She sounds awful. I’ve known some bitchy women but she’s beyond that.
Drop her, avoid her, ignore her, I can’t see her getting any better.

Yes, she sounds like she has to put you down or make you worried to feel good about herself. I know someone like this and feel sorry for them now, which took me a while. In my experience it is because they don't have the stability or something that you have and they want to feel powerful. In my case the friend started a WA group without me, then kept mentioning it every time we spoke and arranged meals at hers without me on it before then telling me that she would 'do something else' with me. She went out of her way to be overtly "nice" about how I always put myself down and it's "such a shame everyone else thinks you aren't beautiful on the inside, like I do" - catty remarks made to make you feel people are talking about you behind your back negatively.

This lady knows what she is doing and has mental health issues and not much of a life, so I was upset at first but realised it was likely because of her illnesses.

If your "friend" is like this I would distance myself, as I have with mine, and try to remember in future why you needed that distance. Trust your gut.

She's not your friend. You should distance yourself and set her straight at every single opportunity. She's just a bitch really. And she wasn't invited to the party otherwise she would've been there.

She sounds like a school run parent I used to know. I am glad to have set her adrift as her put downs and one-liners were boring, screamed of personal insecurity and very very predictable, This is not a friend and you need to distance yourself from her. It is not just the veiled insults. Her whole approach is aimed at making other people feel bad about themselves, or doubt, all to make her feel like queen bee. Feel sorry for her that she has to resort to such misrepresentation of situations and circumstances to try to claim first prize in the competition called 'How to feel important and superior to others'.

I wouldn't have the patience for this OP.

I would embarrass her & correct her and call her out on every lie.

And don't worry what other people think, I'm sure they'll see her true colours eventually.

She is struggling with her self esteem and her place in the world. It’s not your problem to solve. You don’t have to continue the friendship.

"oh god I feel so bad about that! I invite you to a party and then I don’t even turn up!!!”
"You didn’t invite me, it isn't your party, and I didn’t even know you’d been invited until this conversation"

“it’s so great he found something, it must have been so hard when he was pushed out [of previous job]”
"Eh? He wasn’t pushed out of a job, of course not, he was offered a new role by a contact and it was a better position than his previous one so he of course took the promotion"!

“I so admire you! it must be so hard not being able to ask your partner for more help because he never wanted your second child”
"All of my children are incredibly wanted by us both".

She's a jealous bitch and is being what Texans refer to as nice-ty.

Her low self-esteem or envy is not your problem and I would advise you to break contact with her.

I've a 'friend' like this. Years of barbed comments about anything I've done, or make me feel negative about my situation. Even nasty things others said about me. I think I became used to it, and accepted she was a negative person because of her situation (all own doing). But, the turning point was recently when she crashed our holiday destination & blatantly lied about it, then proceeded to cry about something for hours while I was trying to enjoy myself (over the phone as I refused to include them in our holiday).

I was livid, and it became clear it is about jealousy & bringing me down makes her feel better about her sh*t life (own doing). A completely toxic person.

It's a difficult situation to extract myself from, as she can be vicious to those who cross her. So I'm just being polite & friendly, but reducing contact and not sharing any information she can be negative about. I also remember a quote I read recently, if I feel worn down & am tempted to give in:

'Dont let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. You shouldn't drink poison just because you're thirsty'.

She sounds crazy actually? And dangerous to have in your life. I can put up with a certain level of dysfunction / toxicity in my friendships, but this level of intentional manipulation of the truth is dangerous for your life and other relationships. I’d slowly “drift” away from her.

Yup I was going to say, practise correcting her explicitly (or, eventually, what others are saying she said about you) in a non defensive breezy way.

You clearly have a much better life then she does for her to be so jealous because this is exactly what it is. She a bitter jealous person.

Malignant narcissist trying to gaslight you. Cut off her supply by going grey rock and then ghost her!

Never feel bad about trusting your instincts. They are there to keep you safe.

Be too busy to meet in future.

I agree with PP and would add when you do call her out on her lies I suggest you start with “what makes you say that?” Then she will have to explain why she thinks your husband was pushed out of his job for example. Watch her dig herself into a hole.