Reaction to trauma or intuition

[brooklyn11]

After having an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years from the age of 16 how do you figure out what is normal?!

I've been single for two years and have been seeing to someone for 12 months and and been intimate etc and he wants us to become more but my head is telling me to run a mile and shut down. I can not figure out if this is my instincts or if it's due to my past and the fear of getting hurt again. Has anyone else had similar?

It maybe doesn't help that my two children have suffered immensely due to their father and I don't want to rock the boat with them or change our dynamic. I have been the only steady person in their lives. The man in question has put me under some pressure to tell my children so we can spend more time together as I have my children all of the time but I won't be pressurised into that. He has a teenage boy and I have met him.

Any advice of anyone that been through similar would be appreciated!

Nobody here will be able to answer that for you without you self reflecting in a deeper way. I also was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for about 12 years from the age of 17. It could be that there have been red flags with this man that are so familiar to you from your previous relationship, that you have blocked them out, but something inside is warning you to aknowledge them.

Alternatively you could be very scared of being hurt again, OR you don’t feel enough for this guy and are settling. The reason is very important to figure out.

you will know for sure if you aren’t invested and are settling, but may be telling yourself “but he’s a good guy, he’s great for me” if this is the reason it won’t get better and you will hurt him.

red flags- write a list, dig deep, what bothers you? Write it all down and post here for perspective.

if you’re all in with him, there aren’t any red flags, then you’re scared of getting hurt. That’s something you can discuss with him which will then hopefully bring you closer, and ease your fears.

It is impossible to say from your post whether the new man is a problem or not.

Having said that, if you were in an abusive relationship for 20 years, and have been out of it for just 2 years and in a new relationship for one of those two years, I would suggest that you have gotten into a new relationship too quickly. you need to process and understand the abuse before you can realistically be in a healthy and happy relationship again.

what support have you had after the original relationship ended?

We can't really tell from your post but did you have any therapy or do the freedom programme after the abusive relationship? It might be a good idea to be single and work out what you want before another serious relationship

Yes, this.

Thank you for your replies and apologies for the delay in replying.

I think I missed some important parts from my original post!

I've been separated from my ex for over 3 and half years but he has still being trying to keep control during that time and tried to insert himself into our lives and using the children as the reason. For over 18 months now I have gone grey rock and kept contact to a bare minimum. I have recently obtained a non molestation order though as I've realised I need to protect myself going forward as grey rock wasn't enough.

I have had domestic abuse counselling which helped me massively but have yet to do the freedom programme.

The man I'm currently seeing is someone I jumped into a relationship with after separating from my husband within a few months.I realised this was far too soon and I needed to work on myself so ended it. We bumped into each other 12 months ago and the spark was there and we decided to see how things went.

I do feel ultimately that he isn't right for me and that if he was I wouldn't have this doubt in my mind. I just feel that after an abusive marriage it's sometimes hard to figure out what are normal feelings and what is a reaction to the past.

I would say that the red flags for me have been - pressuring me to tell my children, always constantly wanting communication for example every morning and every night he wants me to message him good morning and good night and ring him on my way to and from work and if he doesn't get this I get sarcastic comments when we next speak. As we don't see each other often if I'm going to see friends instead on the rare occasion we are all free he gets grumpy that I'm not prioritising us. He isn't happy if we don't have sex every time we do spend any time together and it causes arguments. He makes remarks that cleaning would be my job if we lived together. We both work the same hours so erm no! Also not comfortable with the way he is with his son sometimes. He doesn't spend a lot of time with him and can be quite harsh with him in my opinion and he just lets him sit on his games console most of the time when he has him at the weekend and I've never really known him to take him many places. There are more reasons but they are the ones of the top of my head.

Do they sound like reasons to think red flags and run a mile or is it just normal issues that need to be dealt with? My view of relationships is so screwed I feel like I should just stay on my own forever!

Definitely
I don’t know about a man, he acts like a spoiled child wanting your attention/time

your kids are your priority and probably luv it just you & them now.
why would you want someone like him coming to your house, he’d want your attention, want sex . Your house wouldn’t be your home with him in it

he sounds to needy

Op, take some more time for yourself and your kids. Throw this one back, he doesn’t sound good.

That’s A LOT of red flags!
RUN

OP, it sounds like your intuition has been screaming at you to notice the many red flags here but you're not trusting yourself!

Do listen to your gut and get rid . Be kind to yourself , you are worth better.

Yes, he's another controlling twat and your instincts are warning you

He's another controlling arsehole unfortunately.

OK so if I'm your girl mate and I say to you: 'he throws a huff and gets all sarcastic if I don't message him day and night. He also gets grumpy if I don't want sex so I feel i have to do it or he'll cause an argument. And he's probably going to throw a strop because I came to see you today instead of him".bWhat would you say?

I'm guessing something like:
"Love, he sounds like a total arsehole. I had an ex like that. He's an ex for a reason. No one should be having sex just to keep someone else happy. No one should feel tied to their phone for fear of reprisals. No one should feel they have to choose between their partner and their friends. You don't deserve this bullshit, leave him".

Or similar..
Sound fair?

He's a pig just like your ex.
Dump and block. And if he harasses you, contact the police.

**edited to add I didn't read any comments until after writing this! It does sound like an abusive situation.

It's so hard isn't it! I don't know if I'll ever trust myself or anyone else. It's important to ask others as you are doing, but someone who can know the details or dynamics, like a friend or therapist. Someone who can analyze your patterns and compare them to your past. I'm always trying to fix the past through the present. Since I know I do that I can question myself better. I think a good therapist is invalu, but that's not always an option, they can be hard to find and fund. But just being open with yourself and trying to see if there's anything unhealthy is a really good place to be. Keep that open mind and always stand firm on your boundaries!

Agree this guy isn't a good one unfortunately.

Yep, he is a giant red flag.

Honestly, I think after all you've been through staying single and focusing on the relationship with your kids and also with yourself should take focus.

It doesn't sound like you are able to have a healthy relationship yet, which is completely understandable. 💝

I agree that this man is definitely not the one for you.
Have a good read of various threads on the Relationship Board, where you will be able to read the advice of knowledgeable MNers to other women, either in a similar situation to yours, or dealing with entitled men who want their own way. You will pick up a lot of tips.

Those kinds of threads are, sadly, quite common.

This is a very good and thought proving post. It'll be interesting what other people think.

Loads of red flags in your update
Dump him, be single, breathe freely and keep going to counselling, find a freedom programme, put your focus on something else for now, don't date anyone.

Yes, you need to throw this one back in the sea. And then ideally spend some time getting to grips with the reason why you are attracted to controlling and demanding men. Did you have a difficult relationship with your parents? Find out about attachment disorders. You need to get to the heart of this before starting another relationship or you will carry on repeating the same pattern.

After having an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years from the age of 16 how do you figure out what is normal

You don't. You recognise that whether it's trauma or intuition, or anything else, if it doesn't feel good for you, it doesn't feel good, and you distance yourself from the cause of the not-good feeling.

Otherwise you're in the position where something might be very common and regarded by most people as 'normal', and you feel like you have to put up with it, even though it feels crap to you. Like having a partner who goes clubbing a lot. Or who spends his evenings gaming. You don't have to bow to the authority that is 'normal'. You have to respect your feelings.

A little story: My friend had a new boyfriend, and he liked to affectionately stroke her arm when they were relaxing together. Perfectly normal, right? But my friend was sexually abused as a kid, and her abuser used to do a similar arm-stroking thing as a prelude to abusing her. So, because of her trauma, which she respected as being part of her, she asked her boyfriend to stop. He said 'What I'm doing is perfectly normal', and carried on. So she dumped him. Not because he did something that wasn't 'normal', but because she has specific, abuse-informed boundaries, and he didn't respect them, even when she stated to him clearly how she felt.

If you're not comfortable with someone, you leave. You can deal with your trauma separately, but even if this is a trauma response, you need to respect it.

Use your feelings as signposts: if something is good for you, it feels good. If something feels bad, that's a signpost to move away from it. 'Normal' doesn't come into it. It's like food preferences. It's 'normal' to like broccoli, but does that mean that you should eat it, even though it turns your stomach? And if it turns your stomach because you simply don't like it, or because you were abusively forced to eat it in the past, does it matter? You can deal with your broccoli trauma responses later, but, for now, don't feel like you need to be shovelling it in, because of what's 'normal'.

There are a huge number of red flags hanging around the Swan. Look at how he treats his own son. Do you think he would treat a partner better? Do you think he would treat your children better than that?

I think you should take a break from men for a while. I know it's difficult because you want company but this one really really isn't right for you. In fact, I think if you got together with him he would be abusive too. Look at how he is planning to use you as a cleaner if you lived with him. He's not seeing you as a person he wants to care for, is he?

Excellent post

Sounds like a ton of red flags to be honest.

Some red flags, but also sounds like you’re not that into him, so probably best for both your sakes that you break up

Wtf is wrong with that boyfriend !! Good for her for dumping him.