Is it the thought that counts?

[Muxley]

I have a partner who seems to struggle to do household chores to a half decent standard and I’m really starting to struggle with it.
By this I mean he’ll do the washing up and half the time it’s even dirtier after he’s ‘washed it’ and I’ll have to do it again. He will hang the washing out and put about three items of clothing on the same spot, he’ll bath the kids and they’ll come out with food round their mouths and our daughters hair still tied up, last night I asked him to just put our 1 year olds toys back in the cabinet as I was beyond tired (as I am the only one who has ever got up in the night with him, and he’s currently got his molars coming through) so was going to go to bed same time as him. I came down in the morning and he’d only put some of them away. I then go for a shower whilst he watches our 1 year old son and as I have got out and am now getting our older daughter dressed, he shouts up the stairs ‘what you doing up there? I’m going to send DS up ok!’.

I’ve tried speaking to him about it, he gets defensive and tells me to stop moaning and it ends up causing a row. I just end up telling him not to do any chores from now on because it’s easier doing it all myself so I don’t have to fix any mistakes, but he doesn’t listen and still tries doing them.
Some eve’s he is not here, and it’s actually less stressful because I don’t have him being a misery guts.

am I being a moaning myrtle? Is it really the thought that counts?

So when he “helps” with chores you have to redo them. You are essentially doing all of the housework and child rearing and he just adds to your workload? And then he has the cheek to blame you for starting an argument when you raise the issue with him? It sounds like your life would be easier without him in it.

To answer your questions, no you’re not a moaning myrtle. And it doesn’t sound like he actually does put any thought into it.

Yes, what thought is it you imagine he is having? The thought appears to be 'if I do this job in the shittest way possible eventually I will be asked to stop doing it'.

If some lazy arse uselss husband said stop moaning to me he'd be under the patio.

@LucyvanderPelt Yep exactly that. He tells me ‘the blokes I work with don’t have to lift a finger at home so you’re lucky I try and help’.

Thing is I can’t remember him always being crap with the ‘help’, seems to be the last 2 years or so.

@tribpot Haha exactly. Although I have already told him not to do anything but yet he still insists which I just do not understand.

@Gettingbysomehow lol it’s often been considered

Classic weaponised incompetence. He knows exactly what he's doing. He can't be arsed, so he does a shit job so that eventually you'll stop asking and just do everything yourself. Unfortunately people like this rarely change either.

@NotAgainBrian Just frustrating thinking you either put up with it or break your family up. Think I just need to see that the grass could well be greener on the other side that is being single! Just scared to take the leap but tbh it’s been on the cards for a while for a number of things.

There is the weaponised incompetence that he's very good at. Your last message that says there are a lot of other things wrong ... maybe he wants out too but is behaving in such a way that you'll be the bad guy "splitting up the family"

My ex was like this it was infuriating. Whenever I brought it up it was 'nothing is ever good enough for you' like he would wash the dishes and leave half of them dirty because there wasn't room on the drying rack etc. just pure laziness. He did the same thing with hanging the clothes out to dry. And even changing our kids nappy was taking the nappy off and not putting another one on or not getting him redressed afterwards?! Why would I want my kid half dressed. He's gone.. life's better.

@singlemum93 needed to hear that it’s better so thank you.
Oh gosh sound very similar then as my partner never puts his trousers back on after doing a nappy!!! Well, all of about 5 times he’s changed a nappy since he’s been born that is! 🤦🏼‍♀️
Glad life is better for you now x

Obviously there was a lot of other reasons we aren't together as I could of probably put up with the laziness but it certainly doesn't help feeling like you have another child!

I’ve tried speaking to him about it, he gets defensive and tells me to stop moaning

So, regardless of the housework issue, he's not capable of open, adult communication either. Hopefully, as a couple, you'll never have to make any decisions bigger than 'who does the chores', because if he can't handle grown up conversations, it's all going to be on you, isn't it?

Honestly, doesn't it just completely turn you off him, that he can't even wash up adequately?

He's allowed his standards, and you're allowed yours. He's allowed his communication style, and you're allowed yours. It's not about who's right or wrong; do you want this in your life?