Help needed please. Can't find a way put of this hell

[Kate7418]

I'd very much appreciate any advice as I am at breaking point.

Earlier in spring, my husband started acting strangely and out of character. We have been married 23 years in a strong marriage with both partners giving each other space as well as raising 3 children.

I suspected he may be having an affair as he was acting suspiciously with his phone. Turns out he was having an online emotional affair. He ended this and we talked things through but it was obvious his mental health was detetiorating.He felt he needed to 'disappear'. His mental health plummeted to severe depression, he developed paranoia about being alone and moved out to a secret address which he would only share with our eldest son in case of emergency.

This all happened in July. I got him to the doctors and then to hospital appointments. He has early stage Parkinson's. They won't medicate yet as the side effects outweigh the benefits. He is on anti-depressants which have now got him on an even keel but with no concept of happiness...just numbness. He visits 3 or 4 times a week, staying for meals. He wants our marriage to continue but he wants to stay living in his flat alone. I've struggled all the way along to accommodate this changed man who I don't recognise anymore. I've been through shock, trauma and now sad resignation my husband as I once knew him isn't coming back. I live in our marital home with my youngest adult child. I still want our marriage at this stage.

My added problem is my 2nd adult son who lives away but visits sometimes. Since his dad left, when he arrives back in our home, he intimidates and bullies me. My mother-in-law is 90 and wants a family Christmas. I wanted to go away alone at Christmas as I am in no mood for the whole Christmas thing and don't want to cook as I have done for the past 23 years. I suggested that myself and our youngest child take her out on Christmas Day for lunch so she is not alone. My husband said he wants Christmas Day on his own.

I booked for the 3 of us. My 2nd son rang my mother-in-law and she told him of our plans. He insisted he was coming too and that I ought to pay for his meal as it was my duty to cook for the family! My mother-in-law adores him and said of course he could be added. She rang me and insisted my son should join us and to talk my husband into going too. I relented so as not to cause friction with her.

The upshot is that my 2nd son and husband are now joining us. My mother-in-law gets her ideal Christmas. My son will have to stay in my home and I know he will bully me the entire time. In an effort to look after my mother-in-law at 90, I now have a nightmare Christmas scenario. My husband's changed character will undoubtedly depress the atmosphere and I will be on egg shells, as he cannot take any form of even slight annoyance or confrontation or criticism. Everytime he is in my presence I create an atmosphere of false radiant calm in order to put him at ease and not irritate him in any way.

But...and here's the but...I cannot take it anymore. My life came crashing down in the spring as I knew it and I want a more 'normal' life in 2024 that isn't blighted by misery on a daily basis. In short, I want to start to living again, where life doesn't revolve around the sad situation I find myself in. I support my husband. The illness isn't his fault as its neurological but I find myself thinking I cannot carry this burden the rest of our days. I'm not living, just existing, and I'm so exhausted with it all. Any advice would be gratefully received.

That sounds so sad and miserable for you. It seems that you are a people pleaser and will do anything to keep the peace, but you are paying a high emotional and physical price for being like this. Your life is not what you want it to be, whereas everyone else is getting what they want.

You say you want to keep your marriage, but it is not an equal partnership, nor it is giving you any joy. Time to think what is best for YOU. I would back away big time. You cannot be nurse, psychologist, carer, caterer, and be bullied anymore.

Get this Christmas out of the way and do it as a last gesture. Then I'd make plans to divorce, sell the house and buy a little place for you and your youngest.

That sounds so simplistic I know. But even if you take stock and make some concrete plans it would be a start for your new life. We only get one shot at it.

How old is your DH? Does he work? If he cant work, is he entitled to any benefits. Its unrealistic for you to support 2 households.

Re your older son, why are you allowing him to bully you? If he is violent, call the Police and have him arrested. If it's just words, tell him he's not welcome in your home unless he is respectful.

What does your younger son do, when his brother is being a twat? Does he not step in?

I'd be tempted to feign illness and not go, but that's probably not fair on your younger son.

Its not your responsibility to keep MIL happy. She's not your Mum, she's his.

I think your need a strategy now, for Christmas and certainly for 2024 and beyond.

Christmas - if you go to the meal, do not pay for the others. Leave after you've had enough. Suggest older son stays with MIL.

2024 - DH pays his own way. He needs to figure out how. He's still a fully grown man, not a baby. Let him try using his brain.

Could you move a few hours away with younger son and make a fresh start?

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for your words of wisdom. You have succeeded in making some clarity in this whole sorry mess that I can utilise. While divorce is not on my agenda yet, it may come to that down the line. I'm still coming to terms with the loss of a future with my husband as we are both in our mid fifties and to be frank, I'm traumatised and have no one to share anything with anymore. I find the autumn evening loneliness incredibly hard. Part of me just wants to run away at Christmas, but I will just have to grin and bear it and as you say, make it the last time I do. Thank you again.

Your bullying son doesn't "have" to stay in your home - he's adult, you have no obligation. Change the keys and don't let him in. He can stay with his dad or grandmother.

Re Christmas, if your STBX and son are now attending then MIL is sorted, so you might as well revert to your original plan and look for a nice trip away. Stop being a pushover and cater to everyone except yourself. Why is your X coming for meals cooked by you when you don't even know where he lives?!

I agree with @GrumpyPanda . Change your locks if your son and / or husband have spare keys, and tell your son he can stay with others or even in a hotel as you are not obliged to have him in your home, especially as he is a bully. If you feel you can't say it to his face then email/text whatever will do just fine. Don't ask if he's ok with it, Tell him instead, and if he doesn't like it, then tough. The first time you stand up and say no to a bully is the hardest, but each time after that it becomes easier and easier.

We women are often conditioned throughout our lives to be people pleasers and carers, putting ourselves last so that everyone else can trample over us in order to be first. It's time to change that for you.

Your MIL has manipulated the situation so that she gets what she wants on her terms, regardless of how it makes you feel. Well, take back the control of your life. It doesn't happen overnight but going away for the solo break that you want and need is a start. Like @GrumpyPanda says, MIL will have her family around her now, so please care for yourself and have that break you so badly need.

You really do not have to 'grin and bear it' OP, you really do not. Today is the start of looking forward to life in the way you wish.

I wish you the best .

It's time for your adult children to start pulling their weight. You have three kids - I think the son who knows your DH's address is a different son from the one bullying you? So at least one of them can pick up the others to go out for this Christmas lunch. The bully can stay with your MIL or his dad, I certainly wouldn't be giving house room to someone who told me it was my duty to cook Christmas lunch.

I think you need to Shirley Valentine this situation. Just go. They're all adults, they will manage fine. Clearly none of them have an appreciation of just how horrendous a year this must have been for you. If you don't want to cause uproar about Christmas lunch, go away on Boxing Day and don't come back until they've cleared off. Spend the end of this year thinking about what you want to change in the next.

Don't struggle alone with this situation. There will be a local branch of Carers UK (assuming you are in the UK!), Parkinson's UK and support here on Mumsnet as well. Reach out to your friends - no, they won't really be able to understand what you're going through but you have explained things very well here. You have no need to be ashamed that your husband has sort-of left you (but not really) - he is ill.

Where are your own family in all this, you mention your MIL but not your own parents or siblings.

My final thought was I would want to protect my money in such a situation, dreadful as that sounds. I assume that if your DH loses capacity divorcing him would become immensely challenging but he could start burning through your cash. There needs to be a fair settlement taking into account his care needs, but I would want to ringfence some money for a small home just for you, that you knew was secure.

Thank you for your reply and kindness.

You are right in that women are so conditioned to be wives, mothers, carers, pleasers. The trouble I have is that my husband's early Parkinsons clouds all responses by me when feeling walked on, rejected, taken for granted. He used to be socially the life and soul of the party, strong father figure, wonderful husband...and these are now just my memories. This new personality character is quiet to the point you can barely understand him when he speaks, he has strange physical movements and cannot take any kind of raised voice, let alone row or scene. My husband and I have a few years left on the mortgage. Moving is not an option right now as there wpuld not be enough equity to own outright 2 properties. I resent the rent money he is paying out on his flat as our home has some outstanding repair work that is going undone as I don't have the money to sort it out. Yet I simply can't breach the subject with him as he sees it as confrontation. I feel trapped.

My mother-in-law is an active, vain woman whose life revolves around how she looks in front of others. But at 90 I wouldn't see her left alone on Christmas Day...not this year anyway. But I have made the decision this will be the final time I am walked over. Christmas 2024 will be on my terms.

My 2nd son has only lorded it in my home since his dad moved out. He seems to think he is the alpha male. He is 6ft 6inches tall and intimidating. He has no key to the house so I'm going to refuse him entry when he arrives. My husband is in a studio flat and can't have him there. I find the upcoming aggro regarding the situation unbratable though and adding to the ongoing misery. I know my mother-in-law will get involved. The irony of it is that she will see him for 2-3 hours on Christmas Day, yet she expects me to put up with him at my house for several days. I don't like the adult he has become, but he is the apple of her eye. I'm dreading it all. If I back out of the whole Christmas thing my husband will be distraught and I can't risk upsetting him to this extent at the moment. It's not a case of him being my 'ex' or our marriage being over. Its a case of Parkinsons disease turning our world upside down forever. Sometimes it would seem easier if there were no Parkinsons and he had just left, ending our marriage, but that is not the case. However, things cannot carry on as they are and 2024 has to be different. I think I will start making personal 2024 plans for myself, without telling anyone, and tick them off one by one whilst making our situation background noise and not foreground attentiveness.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I am in a very similar situation. In 2019 I sold my business. DH and I had all sorts of plans, both in our mid 50s. So many plans and the money to do it all. Then the pandemic hit. DH had taken early retirement but was planning to find a part time job to keep him occupied but he was doing school run and generally tidying up the house and being a SAHP up until Covid.
Somehow his first love found him on FB, not something he bothered with pre Covid, but they struck up a conversation via FB and an emotional affair followed.
It was devastating after 30yrs together (21yrs marriage) and although he cut contact when I found out, she persisted in stalking him and trying to engage. Visiting the area and using pubs that we frequent.
Anyway moving on to 2021. I was diagnosed with breast cancer then a couple of months after my treatment finished DH had a stroke. He was lucky and had the clot buster treatment so three days later walked out of hospital. He has been left with some disability and cognitive damage, very similar to Parkinsons but not degenerative.

Our whole dynamic has changed and life has been tough. Like you to the outside world I play the grateful wife, happy that he’s still here, but underneath resentful, exhausted and grieving for the life that we had planned.

I took early retirement but continue to work a day or two a week. We are financially secure but I am constantly on edge.
DS has taken it all hard and it affected his A levels , although he did end up with better grades than expected. He is currently having a gap year to allow him a bit of head space.

I am now, effectively , living a single life with a disabled lodger who sleeps most of the day and is slipping into depression. DH has no enthusiasm for anything and although he was able to do quite a bit initially his lack of activity has resulted in considerable physical/fitness deterioration.

It’s the nature of the beast, his cognitive damage has stripped him of his drive and enthusiasm. I do get glimpses of the old DH but it makes me very sad that my old husband has gone.

I sometimes wish he’d left me back when he was falling for his first love again. I have always been the high earner and I don’t know why I fought so hard for my marriage. Maybe because everything was going great pre Covid I didn’t want to lose the future. Little did I know that I’d lose it anyway.

I don’t really know what advice to give you. I’m flat lining at life at the moment. DS will hopefully go to Uni next year and I’m spending time teaching him life skills and he’s helping me with a big throw out. DH just sleeps.

Once DS has left home I’m going to start looking at hobbies and groups to join. I’ve never had much time in the past. Hopefully I can rebuild a life. I have realised that I can’t change DH , if he wants to join in again that’s up to him. But I’m no longer going to wait for him.
Im happy to be his carer but I’m not prepared to sit in the corner watching him deteriorate.

I am hoping that the fatigue will get better but there are no guarantees. I forgave him for the EA but I have found it hard to forget. I don’t know whether he would have left me ( Covid squeezed reality) but I’m determined to look after me going forward.

It does feel like I am in constant limbo though.

I have no real advice re your DS apart from disinheriting him.

I really think you need to leave the MIL to have Christmas with her son and grandson(s) - she's catered for. Your DH has his mother and his sons to look out for him - his needs are met. Your sons are adults and can look after/cater for/decide for themselves - their needs are met.

Now it's time to meet your own needs. You are just as important and deserving of everything you are providing for the others but with no one to provide it for you. Therefore you must provide it for yourself.

Your husband has unilaterally changed the terms of the marriage by being unfaithful, by moving out and incurring extra expense strain on the family finances. He doesn't even pay you the courtesy of letting you know where he is. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, in spite of his illness, he doesn't have the right to completely change your life but still expect you to be there for him when he feels like it.

Book somewhere lovely for Christmas for yourself. Or stay home with your youngest and have a lovely time just the two of you. Your DH and his mother can manage with each other.

You deserve better, and I sincerely hope you get it. Sending best wishes.

Can’t you let your DSs and DH go out with MIL and you go away somewhere for a few days?

I wouldn’t feel remotely guilty about this. You need to put yourself first for once.

I really think you should consider divorcing now, even if you maintain a relationship. Your DH is only going to get worse and who knows what will come with that, so I think you should separate your finances pronto.

I would also leave your MIL to it to have Christmas with her son and grandsons and go away.

And stop letting your adult son push you around, make it very clear it will not be tolerated and stick to your guns.

MIL has now got company for Xmas Day, so you don’t need to worry about her being alone. You don’t need to go for the meal if you don’t want to. contact the restaurant and change the booking. You can tell your children/husband/MIL now or closer to the time that you’re not going.

This is devastating and I have no advice. The one thing I would say though is you are NOT beholden to do what you husband would have wanted if he was well - because that would be a completely different situation!

@Kate7418 How did it go over Christmas? How horribly hard for you. I hope you were able to preserve some sense of your own wishes and needs.