Feeling stuck

[Unstuckme]

Hi all,
Feeling very low and would appreciate some advice on how to improve things.
we (dh, 2 teen dds and me) have moved from a large city in the north to a town in the midlands due to dh’s job. It was a good opportunity and he was miserable at his workplace so I felt supportive. He’s a high earner, I worked part time and it made sense on paper to move.
I loved my part time job and had great colleagues.
Now we’re in the new place, dh is happy in his new job, teens have settled in ok, and I am left feeling lonely and missing my old city.

To complicate things, since we’ve moved, I’ve been back to my previous city and went out with my colleague as we’ve done loads before.
We’re missing each other massively and ended up sleeping together. Not a drunk thing, as I spend the whole day sober in his place.

Feeling sh*t now of course, cos I’m a good person and have never cheated (together 20+ years). Feeling guilty towards my lovely (but workaholic) dh. Also missing my colleague as it felt incredibly right, feeling lonely in the new place. It’s all an incredible mess in my mind.

Im considering confessing everything to my dh as it all feels to big to go through this on my own, without him knowing what’s happening?

I need to get myself together to start building up a new life in this new town. But with all these feelings and thoughts going around, I don’t have the energy to work on it.
Ive got a job interview lined up , and am hoping if I get it, it will normalise my life a bit more.

Any advice much appreciated. Please be kind, I’m already beating myself up so much

Did you have sex with your ex colleague? Was this the first time?

Yes, we did, never happened before

I would not confess as I did decades ago.
Suck up the shame and get focussed on the job and new life unless you want your new life to be more miserable.

Im considering confessing everything to my dh as it all feels to big to go through this on my own

You're not considering telling him because he deserves to know? It's more about you struggling to manage it on your own?

Yes, I guess I phrased it wrongly. It feels too big to keep from him is more what I meant.

i.e. start lying to your partner now, and maintain your dishonest and deceptive relationship with him for the rest of your life.

It's amazing how little people value honesty.

That's the question, @Unstuckme Aside from this situation, how highly is honesty valued in your relationship? How would you feel if he'd done what you've done a few years ago, and had been maintaining a lie ever since? If you'd feel fine about it, then follow the advice above. If you'd be messed up by hs lie, you need to tell him.

If you tell your dh there is a good chance he may want to end the marriage and divorce. If you don't tell him you are in for a lifetime of deceit, guilt and the chance it maybe discovered. Did you use contraception??. You have a difficult choice to make. I wish you well xx

Thanks for your replies, much appreciate it.
To be honest, I’m not sure if I’d want to know if my dh cheated once a few years ago. Would I really want him to rock the boat if everything else is good?
But I’m messed up as I’m not sure if I’m feeling low due to the move and being lonely in my new place. Are my feelings for the ex colleague because of him or because of my loneliness?
Before our move, I would think our marriage was very solid. I was full of confidence our strong family unit could cope with this big upheaval in our lives. And now…I’m not so sure at all and it all feels like it’s all crumbling down.

But I’m messed up as I’m not sure if I’m feeling low due to the move and being lonely in my new place. Are my feelings for the ex colleague because of him or because of my loneliness

This is a separate issue, and not one you need to work out just now. One thing at a time: work out how you're going to go forward with your husband. Tell him, or not. Just do that for now. If your marriage was solid before, then the move won't have destabilised that, even if it's destabilised you. Decide what to do re your husband, then work out later what's been making you unhappy.

Are you in love with:

A) Your husband?
B) Your colleague?
C) Both?
D) Neither?

Much depends on this and it isn't too clear from your post. Maybe you aren't clear on it yourself. To me it's the thing you have to decide before anything else.

Oh goodness. Like pp above said... are you in love with either of them?

I have an amazing dh and think we’ve lost track of each other these past 8/9 months due to a stressful house move and lots of stuff going on around schools/house sale/work. I don’t want to loose him as I love him and he’s my home and life - but we’ve not had much time together at all and I feel we’re drifting.
My ex colleague is amazing and lovely and my feelings for him are definitely there. However, not to risk my marriage for, if that makes sense? He just shows me so much attention, care, kindness and time which is what I’m missing from my dh at the moment. I’m sure my dh is missing it from me too as we’re both guilty of muddling on at the moment.

I think it’s time to plan some date nights in…

"You think it's time to plan some date nights in.."

Eh?

Stuff the date nights, I think it's time you told your Husband you've cheated!

Don't tell him to make yourself feel less guilty, because you won't x tell him only if you want your marriage to end, because it will.

If you were a man op, you would be getting a hiding on here. To surmise, you had a strong relationship for 20+ years, but 8/9 months of “upheaval” and you, whilst sober, hop into bed with a colleague? Your post is all about you, how you feel, how you are a “good person” but you seemingly have no understanding or empathy towards the family you have betrayed. I very much doubt your husband will see you as a good person if and when he finds out. You have willingly placed a grenade under your family and pulled the pin out. Now, it’s just a matter of time as to when it actually explodes, not least because you still seem to be mooning over the OM. You have to tell your husband op. You have stolen his agency and made choices on behalf of him and the marriage that he did not consent to. Whilst I can see that the move etc could lead you to feel unsettled and unhappy, sleeping with your colleague was a choice and you could have chosen to deal with it very differently (therapy, talk to your husband about it, even discuss moving back) Tell him, face the consequences and get yourself into therapy to work out how you allowed yourself to behave in such a selfish way. I don’t think you will though. I think you will allow your husband to continue living a lie and I think you will do it again. My advice would be to take a long, hard, honest look in the mirror and decide who you want to be.

Was thinking about you today OP after a good friend irl finally took the plunge and left her alcoholic partner for good

I hope life has got better for you!