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Original poster

Help! Separating and holiday booked

17 replies

Helpwithlife · 12/11/2023 12:26

Hi I’m looking for some advice. Recently caught husband cheating and not first time, supposedly first time physically but not convinced. Anyway he’s obviously an arsehole and we’re divorcing. It’s unfortunately not possible to run two households so need to stick it out in house together for now, and I cba with talking to anyone about it and having all the questions for now. We have a holiday booked in few weeks to take kids away for a Christmas weekend, it will definitely raise questions from his parents if he doesn’t go, as they know about it. He is desperate to not end our marriage and to be fair has been respectful about my wishes so far (ironically), although I’m 100% not changing my mind and have said so. He has asked to come and either sleep on floor in kids room or stay in hotel locally. I really don’t want to spend time with him. Would you let him come for the sake of the kids? I don’t plan on telling them for quite some time until things are more formalised in terms of divorce. Thanks x

OP posts:
fitforflight · 12/11/2023 12:27

No, I wouldn't.
The fact his parents will question why he isn't there isn't your problem, if they ask just direct them to their son. He's desperate to keep his family together now but the time for that was before he cheated..

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 12/11/2023 12:40

I wouldn’t help him out either. He created this mess, it’s his to solve.

Soontobe60 · 12/11/2023 12:45

TBH, unless you’ve already told your children, or are planning on doing so pretty soon, I’d cancel the holiday and tell the kids that the hotel cancelled it or something. Otherwise, theyre going to be absolutely devastated about the split. YYou could always ask parents to take the kids instead of you and your H.
Keeping this a secret from parents isnt great either.

Original poster
Helpwithlife · 12/11/2023 12:45

Thanks, the questions from his parents don’t bother me really, just a minor annoyance. It’s more that the kids will be really upset about it, and I just want to avoid the impact on them as much as possible. I know they’ll need to get used to it in the end, but I think it’ll realistically be at least 6months to a year before we can go our separate ways due to various factors.

OP posts:
ElleCapitaine · 12/11/2023 13:13

No, I wouldn’t be able to bear looking at him gazing dog eyed at me for a week. Unfortunately daddy has to work and won’t be able to go on holiday. He can deal with his parents unless he wants you to tell them the truth.

Isheabastard · 12/11/2023 13:19

Yes he needs to think of a convincing lie or story to explain why he can’t go.

I personally wouldn’t join in and confirm the story either.
So if he says it’s work or illness, just tell them you didn’t know and if that’s what daddy’s says……

Floralnomad · 12/11/2023 13:20

As you are still in the same house and have not told the children then I’d let him come for the sake of the children .

Daffodil18 · 12/11/2023 13:29

I would let him go. You live together anyway and it’s a Christmas weekend away for the kids. The kids will realise something is going on if he doesn’t go. I’ve been in a similar situation so I know how you feel.

GeneCity · 12/11/2023 13:39

Isheabastard · 12/11/2023 13:19

Yes he needs to think of a convincing lie or story to explain why he can’t go.

I personally wouldn’t join in and confirm the story either.
So if he says it’s work or illness, just tell them you didn’t know and if that’s what daddy’s says……

This sounds like it could be really damaging for the kids though.

StillWantingADog · 12/11/2023 13:44

I’d let him come just for the sake of the kids I think. But I get it will be super tough though. You won’t ever have to do it again.

WorkCleanRepeat · 12/11/2023 13:44

It would depend on the age of the kids for me. I'd either let him come on the holiday (as he is still living in the house) or just tell the kids you're separating.

Humbugg · 12/11/2023 13:46

Personally I would go ahead as a normal family holiday and do some amazing acting.

then crack on with the divorce in the following weeks and tell your kids at a better time

Doyoumind · 12/11/2023 13:56

You can't keep this from your children. I was young when my parents split and I knew years before the told us that something was up. It had a terrible impact on me. I learned they were liars I couldn't trust.

Children aren't stupid. Unless things are exactly as they have always been in your house, your DC will already be picking up on this. If he doesn't go, they will think it's strange and if he goes and sleeps on the floor it will be even stranger.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/11/2023 14:18

I wouldn’t be letting him come. How would you explain to the kids daddy sleeping in the floor/elsewhere

i would point out to him he is an adult and as an adult he knows there are consequences to every action he takes. He chose to have an affair, divorce is the consequence ( would he not do the same if tables were reversed?) and another consequence is not coming on holiday, and he can explain why to his parents

alternatively can you cancel?

TooMuchRedMaybe · 12/11/2023 14:25

Doyoumind · 12/11/2023 13:56

You can't keep this from your children. I was young when my parents split and I knew years before the told us that something was up. It had a terrible impact on me. I learned they were liars I couldn't trust.

Children aren't stupid. Unless things are exactly as they have always been in your house, your DC will already be picking up on this. If he doesn't go, they will think it's strange and if he goes and sleeps on the floor it will be even stranger.

I agree with this. The same thing happened to me and the tension I had to endure for moths was terrible. I couldn’t always tell if they were irritated with each other or if they were irritated with me. It made me feel so insecure and confused. It was such a relief when they properly split. My mum especially quickly became the loving fun person I had always known her to be, for dad it took a little longer.

i’d say go on your own with the kids and focus entirely on them and you. Your H had his chance.

Original poster
Helpwithlife · 12/11/2023 18:02

Thanks everyone, will need to think about it some more. The kids are too young to tell right now. We work different schedules anyway so not too hard to avoid him in the house!

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 12/11/2023 18:12

I think you may need to suck it up for the kids but I would let his parents know you are separating and why. The truth that he is a habitual cheat might shut them up and stop them from trying to appeal on this behalf.

After Christmas, you need to get the ball rolling.

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