Asking friend to move out HELP

[Tabithaalba]

I moved from UK to Australia 2 years ago. I am married with a 2.5 year old and a baby due in a few weeks. My childhood best friend is single/child free and I’ve always encouraged her to come out and do the working holiday.

Well, she finally made it! Ive always promised she can stay with us (we have a spare bedroom/bathroom so have the room). She has been here for 2 weeks, and my new baby is due in 2 more weeks. I really thought she would only be here for about a month before she found a job, and assured her she could stay until she did. But job searching seems to be proving slow. She is also going to a lot of social gatherings/parties etc to make friends which I think is great, but it feels like finding a job is not a priority??

I really don’t want to turf out my best friend after she came all the way across the world to start a new life on my advice, but I also really want it to just be me and my family when I am newly postpartum. HELP!!! Any advice appreciated xx

You made a grave mistake in not specifying the amount of time your friend would be welcome to stay with you for - because you "thought" something that has not at all materialised. Unfortunately, this means you now need to sit your friend down and have a frank conversation about when you expect her to have found her own place and be gone.

Surely when the dc arrives she will realise she is in the way? If she is so dense you may have to spell it out. Word it as she won't get my sleep! Sounds like you have a ready made teenager living with you op.

I know!! I’m just worried about how to have this conversation 😬😬😬

I’m hoping so, I feel like because she doesn’t have kids she doesn’t really “get it”. I want to ask her to move out without coming across like I’m being rude/don’t want her there, it’s purely because we are having a new baby and that really is the only reason

Does she think she's staying with you for the whole duration, if a time was never discussed?

Hey friend, it’s been lovely having you here and I wonder if we can talk about arrangements for the next few months.

Having a newborn is great for me, however for you it means you will be woken up about 3 times a night, I won’t be around because my body clock will change, the house will be messy, I will also have loads of people visiting and wanting to stay so I may ask for your room to also have a put up bed. Atm, my mum wants to stay for a 2- week period just after the birth so I need to give her your bed and you will need to sleep on the couch unfortunately.

And it’s making me stressed thinking about the impact on you so it might be worthwhile thinking about whether you want that and what myabe fasy forwarding ur plans on finding somewhere more
permanent to live. Before we get to a place that’s really hard for you.

You’ve mucked up by not actually specifying this before she arrived. You said she could stay with you, stay till she found a job etc. Now you want to evict her after a few weeks. This is poor from you, and if you do tell her to leave the friendship may well be over. If you want to maintain the friendship you could try speaking about when baby arrives and any way you’d need her to be considerate (not coming in late, potentially waking you, that sort of thing) but also say could you make a plan for how long she will stay. But you can’t just kick her out in a couple of weeks without being a complete dickhead when she’s come round the world

Well, you invited her to come along without time limits. It would be rude to just kick her out after you encouraged her to move across the world. Wouldn't she be helpful to have around after the birth of your baby?

I mean, if it really was my best friend I wouldn't kick her out, if she was not a best friend then I'd give her a timeline to move. However, keep in mind the rental crisis and it's unlikely that she finds a rental or even a share house on such a short notice.

No, it was always clear that she wasn’t going to stay with us for the whole year (we live far out in the suburbs anyway, not where you would want to be as a single person on a working holiday). The arrangement was that she was going to find a job as soon as possible, and she has been applying and had one interview. But she is doing a lot of going out, rather than applying for jobs every day. I want to tell her that she has to be gone in 2 weeks without her feeling upset.

Of course I’d never “kick her out”, I’m just worried she doesn’t realise what it’s going to be like with a newborn around, and that she’s maybe not taking it as seriously to try and find her own place. I’m worried about bringing it up and making her upset.

Even people that don't have kids "get" that you don't just stay with someone for weeks on end. Your friend seems like a person who just lacks awareness, or has it, but doesn't care.

I would just sit her down, and politely say something like, "I'm happy to help you out, but I honestly didn't expect you to stay with us up until the birth of our baby. I don't mean to rush you, but with the baby's arrival very soon I do need to know when you expect to be moved into your own place?".

Can you say to her 'how's the job hunt going as I'm starting to become anxious about you finding somewhere else before the baby's born?'

Make it about yourself and your anxiety and your family's needs - then nobody can argue with that.

Maybe she thinks / hopes she's staying with you for a year.
Maybe she's a party animal and doesn't care what you think, who knows. Be prepared if you can't open up this perfectly reasonable rational conversation with her, you're making a rod for your own back and could end up in an acrimonious situation, needing to tell her to leave and wreck the friendship.

@Tabithaalba

How did you resolve your problem in the end OP? 🌹