Leave before or after Christmas?

[MissisK]

Yet another argument with DH. Another day of tears and frustration because I feel unheard and unloved. I can’t do this any more.

I know I need to leave this relationship but it feels like the worst time for the kids (11 and 13) with Christmas just around the corner. Would every Christmas be scarred for them if I break up the family now? Am I over-thinking it? I just keep thinking, get through the next few weeks and then move on with my life.

What's the point waiting? You might end up having a miserable Xmas anyway if you are not getting on.
Sorry you are going through such a tough times your kids will understand. I was a child of divorce myself and knowing you can still have a relationship with both parents makes it that little bit easier. Best of luck x

What indeed is the point in waiting?. Such thinking re hanging on just because of Christmas for the kids is also why January is the busiest month for Solicitors.

There is never any one good time to leave but I would be consider seeking legal advice asap rather than post Christmas. Knowledge here is power. Your children are not stupid and they can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. What are they learning about relationships from you two as it is?.

There’s a reason January 3rd is known as divorce day (and I’m speaking from personal experience on this too!)

My epiphany came in mid November and I waited until after Christmas to leave. I don’t regret it. It was absolutely the right choice for me. It meant that once all the rushing around of Christmas was over that I could quietly split from my husband, without it being a focus point at Christmas. I didn’t want to spend Christmas dinner or socialising talking about my marriage ending, and I was able to get on with all the practicalities more easily once Christmas was out of the way.

edit and most importantly his friends and family were back at work so not invading the house, glaring at me.

I would leave it until afterwards, then at least your children won't have that particular memory impacting on other Christmas days. Meanwhile quietly make your plans, ducks in a row etc. Try to look on it as a New Year, new start.

Are your kids scared and unhappy? That would be what made the decision for me

I would use this 2 month period to plan and emotionally detach and then leave after Xmas. Your kids would really struggle with this happening right before Xmas I think.

The hardest part is making the decision to end the marriage. You've already made up your mind, so now it's just a matter of planning and timing. I say "just", although the planning part can be a real challenge.

It took me quite a while to work out exactly how I was going to proceed. I was absolutely clear in my thinking and had to hang on in there for a while until I could get everything lined up.

Are you planning on staying in the marital home and getting him to move out? Or are you planning to leave and move into a new home of your own?

I wanted the transition to be as smooth as possible for the sake of my kids, so planning was key for me.

Thank you all.

I’ve tried to leave a couple of times but know this isn’t right.

The kids seem happy and in no danger but my mental health is definitely being affected. I’ve put up with it for a long time so I’m thinking I can do another few weeks and hopefully will have more strength to leave then. I’m utterly exhausted by all of this and having to walk on eggshells all the time.

I’m just so sad that it’s come to this. He can’t communicate and I know he finds it really hard to talk through issues but it means we never get anything dealt with. But it’s more than not communicating and just ignoring me. It’s just so hurtful but he doesn’t seem to see there’s an issue.

I think I could afford to buy in out of the home but I’m not sure I want to. Just a reminder that this was meant to be our happy family home.

I’m financially independent though which does help. I think he would struggle more financially if we were to separate (which I also feel guilty about).

Even if you break up now you can still do an all together christmas this year for the kids.

Speak to a lawyer first before you make any moves

You also don't need to tell the kids until after Xmas you can both live in the same house making plans to separate etc and tell the kids in the new year once you have a better idea of what the new schedule will be

Use these six weeks to work out how you will leave. Look for somewhere else to live close to the school. Find a solicitor. Pull the paperwork together. Think about access and what will suit your dcs best.

Car insurance, do you share a policy? Separate bank accounts. Think about furniture. Shared savings accounts. There's lots to do.

Leaving someone takes a lot of organisation, and you'll feel better when you have a complete plan.

I would urge caution on telling him now but not telling the kids until after Christmas - because as soon as I told my STBXH it was over insisted that we tell the kids straight away. Like the next day. He knew how hard I would find that and I think wanted to scare me into backing off or just to hurt me. He wouldn't listen when I told him I thought we should talk things through properly and agree what we would tell them etc. obviously yours might not react like that but it's worth bearing in mind that you might not have full control of the sequencing of events once you've had that conversation with him.

Providing you don't have any concerns for your safety and you feel like you can bear it for a little while longer I would personally just start planning things quietly now and then throw yourself into Christmas plans and get through it and find happy moments with the kids where you can.

BUT remember that there will always be something that makes it not the right time. So if you've made your choice then please don't do what I did and keep putting it off indefinitely. It just makes it harder and is precious time wasted. Have a date in your mind and stick with it if you can. If you have a close friend you can completely trust, tell them what you are planning, their support will help you. Even speaking to a solicitor helps to make it feel more real and understand your options.

Sending you strength, this is so hard but will be worth it in the end.

My kids were similar ages when I divorced.
So - I would say - don’t just act on emotion,
post argument.
Plan. Then act.

If you tell him now - misery and drama will start immediately. And nothing would change practically - he’ll still be around.

With Christmas - this really won’t be a grest way to spend holiday season.

Just hang on for now and do the prep work while things are calm. It will be easier on all. See a solicitor, collect all you’ll need. Understand what the most likely outcome may be - btw if H is making a lot less than you - you may end up having to pay him. Or he may end up with a larger share of equity. You do need to investigate it all, and be prepared.

I’d also say - you need to thinking how to manage the separation to minimise pain for the kids. For e.g. - Staying in the same home where they grew up - would give them consistency. And may make it easier to adjust to the changes in their lives.
So - don’t just think from the position of what you would like atm.
You can always sell the house later, if you are really intent on that.

christmas is only 6 weeks away, not long, I’d use the time to prepare practically, see a matrimonial solicitor for advice if you haven’t already (they’ll be booked up in January), make plans etc. It won’t be 6 wasted weeks, on the contrary. Xmas is only one day. Sone nice food. The children will probably be preoccupied with presents, tv, etc. Maybe just you take them out for one day somewhere?

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. It will serve no purpose other than to upset you. Divorce is always horrible. You need to take a deep breath and be as steely as you can muster until it's all over.

I agree with previous poster that you should not tell him anything until you are ready to put your plan in action.

Have you taken legal advice? If not, I would recommend you do so. You might need to visit a few solicitors until you find one you feel is the right fit for you.

Do not attempt to do any of this without a solicitor. (There was an article on Woman's Hour last week that talked about how women are always worse off if they try to divorce without a solicitor.)

Make sure your affairs are in order - your finances, your essential paperwork, your house legals (land registry details, your previous file from when you bought the house and all the necessaries should you proceed with a house sale).

I viewed this stage as preparing my "War Chest", knowing that my DH was going to make things as difficult as possible.

Thank you for all the advice and support. I’m feeling very fragile today so very much needed help.

I don’t even know where to start with all of this so maybe spending the next few weeks doing some research and plans would be a good thing.

It’s all so sad. I know I need to move on but I’m so sad for the life I thought we’d have.

V good advice @Sicario

I know @MissisK - it's heartbreaking. I was so sad but I just couldn't stay in a marriage that was slowly killing me. I had become a husk of the woman I once was.

Your phrase "walking on eggshells" is what happens when we find ourselves living in a completely untenable situation. It's awful.

Once I had ended my marriage, I definitely had a period of grieving for the life I thought I was going to have.

But I have to say that it was worth it. As soon as I became a single parent, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, it was hard, but my life had become joyful again - dancing around the kitchen joyful.

Be gentle with yourself, and be your own best friend through this. Sending solidarity.

I would use these 6 weeks to get my plan sorted. Start collecting paperwork etc .Go speak to lawyer for advice. You will feel better when you have more control after speaking to lawyer etc. If you haven't already start detaching from dh. I lived with ex for a few months before we split. Kept out of his way as much as possible. I also bought him out and was financially independent. Your in a good position. I know it's difficult but it is only 6 weeks and you have a lot to sort out.

Using this time to plan, including looking for rentals etc is very wise. Finding just the right place can take a while by the time references and credit checks are done so you can definitely do that before speaking to DH.

Personally though I wouldn't explode the family just before Christmas as it will make every Christmas going forward a bad time for the children that can last them a lifetime. It's a form of bereavement and nobody can reconcile a time of grief with national "fun" times.

I was in your position 2 years ago. Don't rush and don't make any rash decisions. Plan your way up to Christmas and see where you are in the new year. There is too much going on in the lead up to Christmas as it is. Don't make it harder for yourself and your kids. Sending you virtual hand hold.

Thank you all. I’m going to hold off and get my thoughts and plans together. DH is currently giving me the silent treatment so hasn’t been too difficult to stay out of his way today :(

I do worry that the kids see him behaving like this. My youngest came home and asked if he was in ‘one of his moods again’. I wish he would get help but I’ve been asking him to get help for years and he doesn’t. I just then become the nagging wife once again.