Just ended things - right choice?

[pumpkinfairies]

Ended things this morning with boyfriend (few months in), we were together a few years ago, the relationship was ended by me at the time as I found him emotionally closed off quite often and it got too much. But I always had that ‘what if’ in the back of my mind. He got back in touch a few months ago and I decided to give it another chance

I just don’t feel he has delivered on anything he promised. He claimed to have had a lot of personal growth and understand where he went wrong, but his behaviour says otherwise.

He was trying to get Friday night off work (shift worker) and said if he could get it off, he wanted us to spend time together. He made quite a big deal of it, mentioning what he wanted us to do etc. On the Friday I asked in the afternoon if he got it off work or not, he was really wishy washy about it, at around 6pm he mentioned he was having a ‘quiet night in’ with no mention of the fact he had half made plans with me, then did not respond to my message til yesterday afternoon, so it seems likely he just made other plans.

The previous Friday he made a reservation at my favourite restaurant, on the Thursday I mentioned it and he suddenly said he couldn’t go anymore because money was too tight. Which would have been understandable as it was a pricey restaurant, but he didn’t make any effort to arrange alternative cheaper plans with me, or even have a night in together, we just didn’t see each other at all.

if I try and explain that this sort of stuff makes me feel a bit shit, he gets really defensive and complains that I am nagging and ‘ruining things’. So I end up biting my tongue because I don’t want to cause an argument, but then I feel really resentful and unhappy, because I can’t even say how I feel without being dismissed.

We haven’t spoken much since Friday besides a couple of texts, I had an awful night sleep last night over our relationship issues and just not feeling valued at all - so I sent a brief message this morning outlining that I don’t feel it is working, I don’t feel he has delivered on the sort of relationship he claimed to offer when he got back in touch, and I don’t want to be with someone who mocks me for having any sort of expectations or emotional needs.

Can someone please validate that I have done the right thing in ending this? I feel really emotional and highly strung over it all, I thought I was in love with him. He was really keen for us to settle down and progress the relationship (living together, having children) but this would be such an awful dynamic to bring children into, I feel it’s better to end it here and move on with my life, I will miss him and the good parts of our relationship but I think I will be relieved to no longer be walking on eggshells and having to ask a grown man to treat me with respect and value.

Well done for ending it. It was absolutely the correct course of action. Your what if re him question has been well and truly answered; he behaved the same this time around as he did before. I would not send any further text messages; the door should remain firmly closed.

You have done the right thing, especially if you don't live together, it's a clean break, use the opportunity to move on, he's not invested the way he should be and you deserve better than that. Have a brilliant day now!

Why do you need validation?
Trust yourself. He could be the best boyfriend in the world but if you’re not happy it’s fine to end it. Your happiness and feelings count too.

Thank you for the replies 💐

@Candleabra i think it is because when I have ended other relationships, it is when I don’t love or have feelings for the person anymore at all. This time around the feelings are still there towards him, I just know logically that he isn’t adding to my life overall and doesn’t treat me well. Hopefully my feelings towards him fade in time 😩

Trust your gut. When things are good, you don’t want to end them. Relationships can be complicated, but they shouldn’t be just a few months in. This is the honeymoon period when everything is fun! Hope you’re ok, sorry about your break up, a hope you feel better soon.

You know it’s the right thing.
You gave him a second chance so you can’t have regrets that you didn’t try.

Quote frankly I would think he’s started chatting to / seeing someone else? Spending Friday night in alone after having to get off a work shift? Doesn’t sound right. Then he misses a Friday night out with you that he booked a table at a restaurant for?

You’ll feel relieved soon enough that you don’t have to put up with any of his BS anymore.

Waste no more time on this one 💐

I suspect your feelings for him are more centred on the future you suddenly saw for yourself with a partner and children - so not really him (who sounds like a nasty idiot) but the lovely future you'd imagined.

I think you have done the right thing.

He is not safe to proceed with. he shows you this by saying you're going to be doing XYZ together, and then he backtracks on that - he knows it, you know it, but you are not allowed to question it. Your 'looking forward to it' happiness doesn't make a difference to him. It is also a power imbalance and he gets to knock you down with 'stop nagging and being needy.'

No. Not good enough. You have done the right thing.

The older I get, the more I think that -

• If it didn't work out first time, don't insist on a second because the same problems are likely to be there.
• If it doesn't naturally work, it isn't working.
• If you don't just feel nice, safe, seen, good with him - there is a reason and it isn't you.

I know it's sad and disappointing, but you are being brave and wise and protecting yourself. Try to enjoy today, do loads of self care, load up with lots of positive messages and don't fall back in with him. You could if you wanted to, when he wakes up and see your message. But then, he'll make a plan that doesn't come off and you'll be back in the same boat xx

Could he have been punishing you for dumping him last time?
Whatever the reason, he's still an arse.
Onwards and upwards 🌺

You don’t need validation you know you’ve done the right thing. You’ve made the decision to end it and you know your reasons for it. He isn’t giving you what you need and you’re unhappy. Far better to end it now than get a year down the line and still feeling this way

He’s let you down on a couple of promises, doesn’t understand that he’s hurt you and isn’t bothered. He probably won’t notice it’s over.

I can’t even say how I feel without being dismissed

this line tells you that you did the right thing. This is a non negotiable and isn't going to change.

he gets really defensive and complains that I am nagging and ‘ruining things

He was training you to expect nothing. He was training you to appreciate any little crumb he decided to drop your way. He is an abuser and you would have ended up with no confidence or self esteem. After several years you would have been broken. This is how it starts.

Well done for finishing with him. Now block him so he doesn't worm his way back in like last time.

100% the right course of action. He detracts from your life rather than enhancing it.

Well done. I wish I had been as strong as you and ended relationships when they weren't making me happy, instead of endlessly trying to fix problems that weren't mine to fix. He wasn't meeting your very reasonable needs. I hope you find someone that you are compatible with.

I wish I'd had the courage and conviction to do what you've done when my ex started these stunts after a few months together. I didn't, stayed with him for five years and I don't think I will ever have another relationship again. The mind games men like these play break you and you don't even realise it until it's too late. Well done for standing up for yourself, go and have a brilliant day knowing your life is going to be so much brighter from today onwards.

@Pixiedust1234 well said.

As mentioned, this is training you, getting your hopes up, letting you down and then blaming you for your natural reaction. He isn't emotional healthy and he isn't a "safe" person for you to invest your feelings. I know it's disappointing because you care but you have done right thing. It would get much worse - it likely he enjoys the power of keeping you hanging.

Totally. It shouldn’t be that hard! Move on .

You did the right thing ending things with him. Rather than realise he had to make an effort he was doing the I promise you this and then letting you down at the last minute. He did not like when you said this to him. The longer you stayed with him the worse this would have gotten. You would have ended up feeling that you were not good enough.
I think that this time of the year can be hard if your single and your around a lot of couple's. At least you have realised your own worth and you got rid of a man who is offering you so little.
Also you won't end up spending money on a Christmas gift and meanwhile he give you a cheap or nasty gift.

Never make someone a priority if they only consider you an option…

You did the right thing, he's not bothered about spending his free time with you, I agree with @Catoo trying to get time of work Friday to spend it alone doesn't seem right, he didn't want to tell you his other plans so you're clearly not his priority.

Thanks for the replies all.

He hasn’t even opened my message ending things yet, he has read receipts turned on on iMessage so I would know. Which says it all really, no fucks given.

No doubt he will reply at some point and be really full on and loving as he has every time he’s sensed I might finish things. I don’t intend on responding, I know he will only ever treat me poorly or dismissively. It wouldn’t surprise me if he intentionally left my message unread and just read from his iMessage notifications, just to make me feel bad

Lovely. Great! Thanks man!

How's your day been tho, how are you feeling?