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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be OK with this?

25 replies

RadioTop · 12/11/2023 05:17

I've been with my boyfriend 4 years, we are both approaching 50 with teenage kids.

He has been acrimoniously divorced for ten years. Although theyd been divorced several years, in the early stages his ex wife didn't know of me (he said she'd been difficult when he'd had girlfriends before). Then there was a period about 18 months where she knew of me, I was always polite and respectful (she was less so) and she would make things 'difficult' by for example making sure her ex had the kids on my days off (she knew my working pattern). She would also create a lot of drama (her relationships are usually volatile, so she'd be phoning her ex day or night angry because she'd broken up with her latest love or whatever).

At one point she became briefly friendly towards me and tried to sew seeds that my boyfriend wasn't to be trusted, he'd cheated on her in the past etc. I dealt with all politely and respectfully. Then after a while when i didnt heed her warnings and dump him she started calling me and leaving abusive messages etc (I've changed my number so this stopped).

Of course there will be a link between her and her ex/my boyfriend for several more years til kids are 18 (and possibly beyond if he keeps talking to her regularly beyond then).

I spend the 50% of the week that he doesn't have his kids with him and love him. We get on very well and he's very caring and good with my kids too.

However, since she became angry towards me, when I see his kids it is kept secret. I feel very sorry for them. He has told them not to tell her they spend any time with me. I know she also tries to sew seeds of doubt in his mind about me, that I'll leave him or whatever. She wants him single.

Her behaviour is very controlling. I know he is the only one who can address her behaviour.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 12/11/2023 05:20

Are you afraid to be alone? Why else would you stay, If you read your op as another poster would, what would you say you would do?

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 12/11/2023 05:20

Asking the children to lie is not ok.

Why can't he just not talk to her as much? Why does she need to be so involved.

Sounds like he enjoys the attention from her, or he wouldn't indulge her.

Mothership4two · 12/11/2023 05:27

Beyond arrangement regarding their children I don't understand why there would be any further communication between them and certainly not going into talks that are "sewing seeds of doubt" about anyone. He should be cutting off that type of conversation. OP you don't have to have anything to do with her at all. Asking the childen to lie is not healthy or fair.

Mothership4two · 12/11/2023 05:33

WandaWonder · 12/11/2023 05:20

Are you afraid to be alone? Why else would you stay, If you read your op as another poster would, what would you say you would do?

I expect OP is with him because she loves him and because she says they get on very well and he's very caring and good with my kids. It's not his fault he has a malicious and volatile ex-wife.

In OP's place I would want him to minimise contact with her and not pander to her (by lying).

limefrog · 12/11/2023 05:50

Why are either of you even engaging in conversations with her about anything other than arrangements regarding the kids?

The way you deal with this is by both of you shutting down all but essential communication with her.

You don't ask the kids to lie.

Onlylonelyontheinside · 12/11/2023 06:09

If you can handle all the drama and you’re happy with your relationship with your partner, just ignore her and it’ll eventually pass, I know it’s easier said than done but you’ll get there, plus you’ll piss her off into the bargain… Happiness always comes at a price..

Mothership4two · 12/11/2023 06:22

Arrangements and sowing - it's annoying me and I can't edit now

Original poster

RadioTop · 12/11/2023 06:24

I agree that asking the kids to lie is wrong and I feel really sorry for them. If she knew they see me then she would be arguing, sending abusive messages to him etc. Her behaviour is very difficult and I guess as they spend 50% of the week with her, by keeping quiet it keeps her less argumentative for the kids.

It has been an ongoing difficulty to keep the conversations to only kids - she will get my boyfriend involved by claiming her latest partner has been abusive etc, so he worries for the kids, goes to check all is OK, tries to resolve the situation. Or she will claim to have run out of money, is ill etc it is all designed to make him worry about the kids, guilty for divorcing her.

I feel sure he loves me and I do him, but this situation is very hard. It may improve when the kids reach 18 but that's several years away.

@Onlylonelyontheinside maybe you're right, I ignore her and she will get bored eventually....her relationships don't seem to last due to this behaviour so I'm a bit worried she'll still try hassling after the kids are 18.

OP posts:

Breakingpoint1961 · 12/11/2023 06:30

Has there been any court involvement OP? If not then I suggest you have some kind of mediation etc in place, this is unhealthy for all of you, especially, and most importantly the children.

Personally I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense, their Father needs to take control of the situation right now, before the children are seriously (they most probably are already) emotionally damaged.

Onlylonelyontheinside · 12/11/2023 08:18

It’s really difficult dealing with irrational people, your partner sounds a great person and you and other people think he should deal with it, but what can he do? Seriously, he must be just as stressed as yourself, there’s no easy answer to this unfortunately…. Try and ignore is the best option just now…. Assassin’s aren’t cheap these days either lol

obje · 12/11/2023 08:35

After they turn 18 if she does try to keep contacting him about this type of nonsense id be expecting him to block her on all platforms

Original poster

RadioTop · 12/11/2023 08:53

@Breakingpoint1961 thanks, I agree it is very dysfunctional and damaging to the kids, as well as the adults suffering. The court was involved around the time of the divorce, there has been mediation but she takes no notice. Court said she should get a job and become independent, she took no notice, for example.

Boyfriend sometimes has the kids more than 50% of the time to save the kids her drama but she still creates. He is a good dad.

The kids have trackers on their phones so she knows if he takes them out of town, in which case she'll phone him and be abusive as its against her 'rules'. Obv he can't bring them to my house as that's also prohibited by her. She'd then also know where I live and has threatened to turn up before and give me one of her rants (she can't currently turn up as she doesn't know where I live).

OP posts:

category12 · 12/11/2023 09:01

If she knew they see me then she would be arguing, sending abusive messages to him etc.

but he's the adult, it's his job to deal either the fall-out. It's wrong to have the kids lie. It puts them in an awful position.

Either don't see them because you and he don't want to deal with her response, or as the adults, see them and deal with it.

TammyJones · 12/11/2023 09:03

If the kids are teenagers why does he need to speak to her ever?

Once mine reached 13 and had a phone her dad would call her not me.

Never spoke to him after that and now she's left home.

You know she is only contacting him for the drama.

Take away her 'fuel'

Ignore ignore ignore

This isn't about the kids

It's about the drama and will go

on FOREVER if you let it.

Be very sure you're not enjoying it too

Zanatdy · 12/11/2023 09:05

This is insane. He’s enabling it and needs to stop. By keeping it quiet it’s just playing into her hands and is wrong asking children to lie. He’s not going to stop enabling her, so your choice whether you want to live like this. Maybe just see him 50% of the week and that stops the children needing to lie.

1to10andstartagain · 12/11/2023 09:09

I agree the children should not be asked to lie

I would not be seeing the children against her wishes though as she could make things difficult for them

I guess you live together , and you have your own children

He should see his children out of the home , no overnights and tell his ex she may change her mind when she loses this .

Poor kids

1to10andstartagain · 12/11/2023 09:11

Ah I see you don't live together
That's easier , he sees his kids on his own

1to10andstartagain · 12/11/2023 09:19

I have a friend separated 10 years from her husband , two children
He left her for another woman who he is still with . The two woman have never met . But he is still massively involved with my friend / the ex .
Dropping by , nothing sexual . But my friend said it would cause massive problems with the new woman if she knew how often he comes over ( nothing sexual , coffees , chats etc )
Are you sure he isn't part of the problem trying to keep you and her sweet because she sounds still massively invested in your boyfriend .

Original poster

RadioTop · 12/11/2023 10:06

Thanks. I agree that as teenagers there is no need for to contact him much. She undermines him and 'controls' by phoning the kids in the evening and questioning them on what they had for dinner, is the heating on etc, ie suggesting that he's incapable as a dad.

I definitely don't enjoy the drama. It gives me a headache and stress! However it is a good point that perhaps boyfriend likes it in some way?? He's so used to her that perhaps it doesn't bother him anymore, I certainly think he could have shut down the dialogue much more over the years.

OP posts:

1990thatsme · 12/11/2023 10:22

Gosh, I couldn’t live with this level of drama.

Wouldn’t your life be better without all this shite?

AnyFucker · 12/11/2023 11:37

He grows a spine or he goes. He could stop this if he really wanted to.

missingyears · 12/11/2023 11:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

missingyears · 12/11/2023 11:50

sorry my comment was for a different thread! I've asked for it to be deleted

Loverofoxbowlakes · 12/11/2023 12:03

she will get my boyfriend involved by claiming her latest partner has been abusive etc, so he worries for the kids, goes to check all is OK, tries to resolve the situation.

The next time she does this he should remove the children. If his kids are in any way involved with domestic abuse he needs to step in. If it turns out to bee a false allegation, then tough, he can't let her keep making these claims. If they are true then your dp is negligent in leaving g the dc with their mum.

Court order for contact. It's inappropriate for her to be calling you and making threats.

FailWhale · 12/11/2023 22:29

Crikey. This is exhausting. Those poor, poor children.

Grey rock method is the only thing I've seen work with this kind of truly unwell behaviour but that was someone I only had contact with every couple of months.

The trackers on the phone stuff honestly makes me feel a bit ill. As a parent I kind of get it but when it's coupled with the controlling way it is then used, HELL NO!

I genuinely don't know what advice to offer except be glad there is more than one child because they will need and be glad of each other as they get older, and also as they get older they will make their choice whether she likes it or not. Kids will happily move school to get away from awful home life if they know they have a genuinely calm alternative. Maybe both of you should go see a therapist for couples to think of strategies together when you are both on the same team and then look forward to a happy future where she becomes less and less powerful. Good luck - I hope someone who understands these situations better than me gets in touch x

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