Help needed - how to have intimate relationship after baby!

[GNM22]

Hi everyone, advice needed really..

For context lovely DC is now nearly 1, and DP and I have a good relationship with each other (find each other attractive/lots of shared hobbies and interests/been together 10 years/respectful of each other/actively do things for each other and both make effort with parenting and in our relationship). We have had some challenges through becoming parents which we've overcome together and everything has now settled somewhat.

One thing we both genuinely are finding are however is how to have an intimate relationship together (weve both previously enjoyed this bit of our relationship and are missing it) - this is the part we would love advice on...
There's a couple reasons why we hsve struggled so far:

1. Struggled during pregnancy due to sickness and vomiting the whole way through - just was on survival mode really so got out of the habit! Think DP felt too bad for me/seeing me vomit about 100 times a day isn't particularly attractive!

1. We have both struggled with PND/PTSD post-birth. DC and I are lucky to both be alive without severe longterm damage. We've done lots of work on this though, lots of CBT, open discussions, family support, birth afterthoughts, supporting one another through really low points and breakdowns and both agree that we feel pretty much back to 'normal'ish but it did take a real toll - we both are usually such good communicators but it took us til about 3m pp to hold a proper conversation and then til about 4m pp to touch each other (holding hands!) at which point I cried as didn't even realise we hadn't even hugged since DC was born!
2. DC isnt the best sleeper - DC struggled post birth for months with pain from birth injuries (and still does now when they flare up), which really affected his sleep until about a month ago.. as in waking every 20-30min even when cosleeping and touching me day and night. So we've been pretty shattered. Goes to bed at 7pm and still now wakes every 20-30m through the evening until I hop into bed with him and cosleep together. He has recently done about 1.5hrs in a row through about 3 times but DP and I are so tired we've actually just watched a whole episode of something together without pausing for the first time since DC was born haha.

DC is also a rubbish napper.. only sleeps on me or in the pram or car and only for 2x20m naps a day (wakes when put down or when car/pram stops moving) so difficult to get a minute to do anything alone let alone get intimate with DP.

1. DP is a hard worker and works pretty long hrs in 2 time consuming jobs (full time 6 days a week, then 3 evenings on top of that equates to around an 80hr week each week) but this is the same as pre baby.. there are benefits to this though in that means we will be faring better than most in cost of living crisis, are young and have our own home etc. just I suppose it makes it harder to 'find the time' together post DC.
2. Lastly, I suppose as a result of the birth I've had a lot of anxiety leaving DC and actually have only left him with PIL for about 90m when I needed to attend a meeting at work. On top of this, I've been breastfeeding and DC has CMPA so can't combi-feed very easily (we have 1x tub of emergency allergy formula) though now he is getting older this is easier and not really an issue as he is going long enough between feeds for me to theoretically leave him/is a good eater. Previously as well, I just couldn't express any milk (it was like my body was traumatised from being pumped in hospital when in a v bad place and even with full breasts couldn't even get a drop through hand expressing/manual or electric pump). Thankfully though I've worked through this and can now pump. So whilst this has previously been an issue and kind of gives some context to why we've not left DC really. Its not now really an issue and DC will be starting nursery soon anyway! I would probably not feel ready to leave him overnight yet in all honesty though.

If you've got this far, well done! Basically those are the main barriers we've faced (as well as all the other normal newborn/baby stuff). And really what I'd like some help with is the logistics of actually how we could possibly find time to rebuild this aspect of our relationship?! Has anyone been in a similar situation or rut before and managed to work it out?
Any advice, critique included, pertaining to any aspect is very welcome!

Thanks in advanc:)

I’m in very sorry you’ve had such a difficult time, to be honest with a baby walking that much and also cosleeping it’s not surprising that you have not resumed a decent level of intimacy.
i would look into sleep training (there are gentle methods), and extending naps though the habit might be very set now but you have to teach them to stay asleep/get them back to sleep if they wake before a good amount of time.
It also sounds like you need to go on some dates with each other regularly too. No need to be overnight, just a few hours in the evening would be good.

Hello,

Apologies in advance for not being a particularly long reply but I can empathise. Currently going through a bit of a lull (dc is 4yo and still Co sleeps - me and DH happy with this) but I also struggle with anxiety/depression...
Anyway! You need to get creative and just put yourself in more intimate circumstances, start by making more of an effort to sit next to each other on the sofa, cuddle more etc. Also, what works for us is showering together! It can be nice to just have a cuddle or other stuff without the clean up!

Good luck! Go easy on yourself, it's still fairly early days x

Goodness! It will come back.

Having a baby is like lobbing a grenade into your relationship.

Patience is the key. And sorting out the new dynamics. Takes time.

You have to get the sleep aspect sorted, as the current situation is just madness. Once that’s sorted you will all feel much better and back to normal, albeit new normal with a little person.

Can your DH give up the evening work? That will also make a huge difference I’d think.

Hi

Thanks for your replies thus far!

@HippeePrincess Thank you, it has been full on. Date nights are a good idea, we do have one booked in for a few weeks time! I just need to work up the courage to leave DC more I think! And you're probably right re sleep training. I think I've not been so keen on it before as really DC was clearly in pain etc. and so we were just trying to get him to feel calm and as comfortable as possible but most injuries are settling/settled now so could be a good time to implement before I start work again - do you have any suggestions of gentle methods? At the moment I bf him and then lie him down drowsy but awake and just rub his back and he goes down OK.. its just the staying asleep bit 😆

@MunchyCrunchyy thanks for the reminder re sitting next to each other/showering together etc! Sounds so silly but I think cus we are jumping up and down so frequently to settle DC then we don't really even bother cuddling up together sometimes but pre-baby we were so cuddly!! Defo going to try to implement some of these everyday things, thank you ❤️

@MariaLuna yeah, you're right.. we are trying to sort out re dynamics haha, hence the post! I'm not saying we need to be on it like 7 days a week 😅, even just casual intimacy I suppose we have struggled with post-baby e.g. those suggestions from MunchyCrunchyy even just e.g. sitting next to each other on sofa, we kind of just dont do!

@HoppingPavlova agreed. I suppose I don't really know where to go from here - DC and I currently sleep on double floor bed in his fully childproofed room (will not touch the cot and just screams even if i do the same everything else😪). DP in our bed in our room. How do I go about getting DC to go from cosleeping with me? I get extreme mum guilt at the thought of him sleeping alone tbh which sounds so silly but he's just a baby! I also get anxious about him being on a floor bed by himself despite the room being fully babyproofed etc. It really has been a case of cosleep or absolutely no sleep here. Any tips appreciated.

Re the evening work - not really. His job is age based so there's a time limit on it anyway as at some point he's going to be too old and then will just do his normal job 🤣

Logistics? Well if the bloke is always at work then he's not going to be having sex at home 🤷‍♀️ unless he staggeringly stupid he'll know this.

@Summerhillsquare well yes, though he is at home 4 evenings a week/Sundays.. its more both of us have kind of got stuck in the habit of not being intimate (because of reasons above, work being one of) and I was more just wondering whether people have tips for breaking the ice/working round logistics. We already know time isn't on our side haha - that's why I've posted asking for tips to mitigate this 😅

How do you resettle after the further wakings? Do you bf every waking (I’d advise against if you do) or do you rub his back? What happens if you don’t rub his back once he’s in bed drowsy and leave the room?

How do you resettle after the further wakings? Do you bf every waking (I’d advise against if you do) or do you rub his back? What happens if you don’t rub his back once he’s in bed drowsy and leave the room?

So through the evening I try and rub his back initially which does work. It's just the frequency of it still - I think he just like knowing I'm there! I do bf overnight though at each waking, but tbh now he's slightly better and sleeps bigger chunks as long as I'm there!
So if I stay and don't rub his back once he's drowsy he just lies there and moans and if I just pop him down drowsy and leave he just cries and cries! I have to admit that I don't do that very often if at all though.

I think a little moaning/ humming and self soothing is fine as I find my own ds gets himself to sleep this way. I also personally don’t bf on all night wakings past 6 months, if it’s within 4-6 hours depending on age and how well they eat in the day etc etc then I don’t offer milk, but I do the other soothing methods that work for my baby. I find as soon as I do this, sleep improves.
Whichever sleep association method I use, if I want to start weaning off it, then I do it til baby is only just asleep, and reduce gradually so stop the back rubs just before baby is asleep, then rub til drowsy etc.
Have you tried sleeping away from him? We found we were waking the baby more by being in the same room.

Honestly? Its only been a year. I might get flamed for this but if you're in this relationship for the long haul, then 12 months' or 18 months' hiatus isn't too awful given you've been through major trauma and physical issues with pregnancy and birth. I'm quite impressed that DH isn't pestering you, as that seems to be the default we read about on MN these days.

Perhaps a slow reconnection would work? Date nights/lunches when you can. More sofa sitting together. Make sure you touch each other more (a hug as you walk past, neck stroke in the car, that sort of thing). Kiss each other. And talk to him about how you're feeling - you'll probably find he's been holding back because of what you've been through.

It's also really normal to feel totally touched out due to EBF and the co-sleeping. Now DC is 1 and is much less affected by his birth injuries can you do some kind of sleep training like gradual retreat, cut down on the night feeds a bit etc.? He'll be getting nourishment from solid food, and hopefully a bit of decent plant milk, so I'd be optimistic this is doable now.

As long as you communicate, you'll be ok. Reading between the lines he sounds very respectful of what you've been through and might well be waiting for your cue.

@HippeePrincess ahh thank you, I'll try that - think probably just slipping off the boob to fall asleep whilst rubbing his back etc will help a bit more. I probably have relied on just feeding back to sleep so so much! Really appreciate your help xx

@BrioLover yeah, I completely agree a little hiatus is fine - I guess it has just been a while like literally haven't had sex since we conceived DC so like coming up to 2yrs etc plus also we are both ready, and have spoken about it, just think we just have felt a bit stuck on how to get going again 🤣 and like literally sometimes the logistics - e.g. last night DC would literally only sleep on one of us! We also would like a second child at some point but we are kind of like how 🤣

Ahh yeah he is super respectful, but also was really traumatised as witnessed everything going wrong, which hasn't helped as I've by far had more help processing everything than him and actually I don't really remember most of my labour or birth as was unconscious for a lot whereas he had to really advocate for me and make a lot of decisions without me and look after injured DC. Which, maybe niavely, we didn't prepare for! But think that's also been a barrier to a degree as he hasn't been at all pushy (he's never pushy tbf haha) but I do know some friends who's DPs were chomping at the bit and couldn't wait for 6wks.

I love your ideas re slow connection even if we can't actually get round to actually having sex then I think we will both feel more acknowledge in that way - maybe then will feel more inclined if we ever have a spare minute.

I don't feel overly touched out, I do also love the baby snuggles and know i will really miss them which is probably why I've not sorted this sooner, but I would love a little time even just to myself in the evenings and even more so with DP when he is here! I was thinking possibly a bit of gradual retreat might help - have you done it before? Any tips??

Nice. This is the conclusion you reached from the OPs posts? Sounds like you want to have a go at the husband regardless of the facts

I'm not surprised you weren't prepared - is anyone for a first birth let alone one that doesn't go to plan?!

A thought - is your DC ever in nursery, or will be attend nursery at any point? We found that to be helpful when rebuilding our intimacy after DS1 (my mum died when I was pregnant with him, so I had my own trauma), as then we could go back to bed on the days DH was working a later shift or he would take half a day off and we'd go for coffee and have a day date without needing to worry about a babysitter.

Gradual retreat - yes did this with both DSs. It does take longer than other sleep training methods but it worked for us. I wrote a diary for it so I could see the progress (as process oriented). I do wonder if you could do with some advice though, perhaps from the paediatrician who you've seen for your DC's birth injuries? I feel as though that is a big factor in his lack of sleep and need for attachment!

He is going to be attending nursery soon full time as I go back full time! I think that will probably help us, though me being full time too doesn't particularly equate to more free time but will potentially tire him out a bit more too!
I'm so sorry for your trauma, really awful to lose your mum at any time but also when expecting too❤️

Ah I love the process orientated approach, I'm happy for it to take time as long as its not stressful for DC or I.. we've had quite a lot of stress this year and I do think that you're right re attachment - he is a really happy little one but soooo attached to me which I do just go with because I feel like he knows what he needs to feel secure, though this doesnt help with alone time or his sleep. Same happened last night whereby he woke continuously until I went to bed at 10, then he slept 10-7.30am solidly as he could hold my face all night whilst he snoozed 🫣 I think the first step will be helping him sleep when I'm in the room but maybe no physical contact. I'm going to look into gradual retreat as something to work towards, thank you ❤️
We are doing a month of nursery transition super slow for this reason too!

Yes, think you're right re chatting to Paediatrian too- there's been so much underlying stuff (allergies and injuries!) that have made his little life a little more complex and uncomfortable for him so hasn't seemed fair to do much re sleep and attachment until now as everything is settling!