how can I bring my husband round to divorce??

[helenepurple]

I desperately want to get divorced, but my husband refuses to accept its over. he is saying he will defend a divorce, is not cooperating with the lawyers, just saying 'marriage has not broken down'. I am trying to lay the groundwork for the divorce, putting a reasonable offer on the table etc.

I am pursuing a divorce for many good reasons. Lets just say there is too much of the master and the slave about our marriage and a £70,000pa difference between what he earns and spends, meaning we could loose our home. I am trying to save my home as well as my sanity! I am incredibly angry with him. I am concerned about the impact on our two boys and have thought all this through - he has a flat 10 mins walk away and will have them as much as he can cope with.

Trouble is the marriage suits him fine, he has everything to loose (free laundry and meals service, timewith kids with minimal effort etc, access to all the money I make) and I have all to gain - I can go back to work, escape from my husbands debt spiral, build a social life, can get lodgers in, have financial stability, can secure our home, no more nagging/criticism, one less 'child' to look after (he really is the one throwing the worst tantrums, requiring special meals, pestering, complaining, moaning).

He says he is not budging, will not move out, despite having a flat very close by. Says he would rather the lawyers had all the money and was a beggar in the street than see me get the house. (we have 7 properties so there are plenty to go round). He's cut up about me getting any money at all. He says the marriage is not over and will not cooperate in any way with the divorce.

Although we do row about things I am quite nice most of the time and still make a special meal if it is not any bother to me, also I wash his clothes, wash up, do everything with the kids. I don't do much else for him. I have stopped bothering tidying up because he does nothing.

Do I need to start being really nasty so he gets the message? How can I get through to him? He is a past master at avoiding a prolonged conversation with me (another reason for the divorce.

i really want to have a good realationship with him, just not as his wife, perhaps this is giving mixed messages.

How can I manoever him into a divorce?

Help please!

Stop the free laundry service, meals etc. Get your own bank account which only YOU can access. Tell him to grow the f*ck up.
Bet you haven't ben to the toilet in ages because he's taking the piss out of you entirely!

start proceedings

serve a divorce petition on him. That way he will know that you mean business.

You don't need his cooperation. It would help, but at the end of the day a contested divorce is still a divorce. I would go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling, maybe once he understands that you are proceeding any way he will try and settle things amicably. You have to face the fact that you may not be able to maintain a good relationship with him.

well stop doing stuff for him for a start! Don't cook for him. Don't wash his clothes. And you don't need him to agree to anything, just do it. and no matter how many lawyers he has, as his wife you are entitled to half the marital assets.

Oh, and I assume you are not putting money into a joint account, but if you are - stop! get your money put into an account in your name only.

Sorry but if you have 7 properties would selling one of them (or even 2) not be a way to pay off the debts ?
Or am I missing something?

7 properties with 7 mortgages perhaps?

Hmmm. Does he want things to stay as they are? Or does he think things should change, in any way?

I'd be tempted to try to get him into Relate, as long as he wants some change, in the hopes of ending up with an amicable divorce - they do know how to do that.

Get legal advice now or at least see the CAB.
You are entitled to legal aid (he is not) so don't worry about you getting in more debt.

Oh and agree with the others that you should stop the wife service, let him cook his own meals, as he's defintely going to cook his own goose here.
A court would take a very dim view of what he is doing right now.
He's acting as though he's prepared to see his kids thrown in the street...how terrible.

Sympathy.

Stop doing things for him - initiate divorce proceedings.

Don't bank on him leaving the family home however. Would it be possible for you to leave with the dcs?

You don't need his cooperation to get divorced on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. There only needs to be proof that he has received the petition (by getting it served personally by a third party) and he can not contest it.

Obviously with dc's involved and finances to sort out - it would be much easier if he were to co-operate but maybe he needs a petition served initally so that he gets the message ..

thanks everyone.

I had a big row last night - went over the some of the issues.

I have started divorce proceedings, a petition for unreasonable behaviour has been sent to him but not yet 'issued'. i have done a financial disclosure and will soon put a very reasonable deal on the table (50%).

trouble is all my money is tied up in the equity of the property business that I have run for the last 10 years (doing up houses etc.) it makes no poffits but money is there if they are sold. One is on the market so when that is sold things will improve. Big mortgages means there isn't that much cash, but enough to enable me to have the house with a mortgage (if i got 50%). I want to transfer all the other properties into his name and he transfer the home into mine.

the only income i can get is by having lodgers and in sept when ds2 goes to school I will get a job (im getting myself organised about that now) and an aupair. I need him to move out to get the lodgers in.

He has made me sign up to borrowing of 60K in the last year alone (50% of that is in my name). If i could get the divorce i could break even.

I have my seperate bank account ready.

I will stop doing the laundry for him or cooking and try to bombard him with complaints about the marriage and his behaviour (theres plenty of good material to work with).

I am studying for my 2nd accountancy exam, but find it very hard to cope with everything (two boys, homework, housework, studying, moving furniture around to get lodgers rooms ready, managing all the properties, doing viewings, applying for jobs, paperwork for the divorce, etc,). some days I just freeze in a chair unable to get up because i can't think what to do first, it all seems overwhelming.

however i know i am really lucky that divorce is financially viable for me. also I do have a really great mum and family who are very supportive.