During the first lockdown I ended a 2 year intimate involvement with a much older person I'd been friends with for over a decade. This person was without a doubt the only one I've ever allowed that close to me and other than my parents I trusted them more than anyone at all. We were thick as thieves and I never, ever thought we'd fall out. It was a happy, healthy and jovial connection. I am a very introverted and closed off person so it was a surprise to most people that I was seeing anyone at all. Anyway after a conversation that made me realise this (non abusive) person wasn't as invested as I was (fair enough if they don't love you it's not a crime) I punched through the fear and finished it. I believe a relationship should be equal and if there isn't full commitment on both sides you need to pull your head out of the sand and walk away. Some time after this my literal worst nightmare came true - a third party coming out of the woodwork and very publicly and humiliatingly so. A person I'd long held my suspicions about. The only time we ever had an argument was about this person during which I was given full reassurance. I was utterly devastated. I've never felt shock and pain like it. The loss of the friendship hit hardest. But there were many other unrelated things I was going through at the time so everything just became too much and I ended up going completely over the edge. I lost almost three stone in weight, drank far too much and avoided pretty much everyone for a year. It was a terrible time. If I could have afforded it I'd have relocated to the other side of the world and stayed there on an island by myself. With litres of Southern Comfort and a million fags.
Fast forward to now. I'm okay. It's still a painful memory and it always will be but everyone has scars. I can't remember the last time I shed a tear over it, I don't talk or mope about it and I don't do the usual things like snoop on social media etc. It's been a long time and I'd like to think I've moved on as much as a person can. I cut off a fair few acquaintances and moved away to cut all ties and make a clean break. My appetite is fine, my sense of humour is back and I'm getting on with life. I had one further relationship but my heart was never in it and I just found the whole thing irritating so I binned it. I have no intention whatsoever of ever having another relationship with anyone again. Not even Batman. I've gone through the above and two relationships before that when I was younger (both were mentally abusive). Pair that with the fact I'm naturally very content in my own company and just don't need to be with someone. I have no sex drive at all anymore. I find being in a relationship draining and just too risky. I love living by myself. Going off abroad next year to suit myself. I keep active and try to be upbeat. Learning to play the piano. Yoga. All the healthy stuff etc. After spending a quarter of a decade beating myself up for not being able to find love it's actually a relief not to give a fuck anymore. I'll probably get a dog at some point.
The problem is when I'm asleep. I'm recently having regular nightmares about this person. Sometimes I'm looking for them and can't find them, sometimes they are with me and we are laughing like we used to, sometimes third party is there and they are taunting me. Sometimes the person morphs into one of the other two people (from abusive relationships). They are always very vivid and upsetting dreams. It's so fucked up and seemingly comes out of nowhere. Take yesterday for example. I'm having a shit time at work so thought about nothing else. Probably all week to be honest. Literally nothing else is on my mind other than me being shit at my job and my difficult boss who doesn't like me. Yet I'll go to sleep worrying about work and start having night terrors about an ex from three years ago? Who may or may not shapeshift into another ex from 15 or even nearly 25 years ago?! Neither of whom I give a shit about. What is that about?
A peaceful sleep would be lovely please. Also a big lotto win so I can hightail it the fuck out of the working world forever… preferably to live on that island but not on the other side of the world anymore. Cornwall would be fine. With Southern Comfort - but much less of it these days. And no fags.