Going abroad with in laws, strained relationship

[awkrdtrtl]

Last year, I booked a holiday abroad with my in-laws, but since then, our relationship has become difficult, mainly with my two SIL but also MIL who has obviously taken their side in all of it. They are nice to my face, but I have solid proof that their kindness is not genuine and they have said things that can't be taken back. For the sake of my husband and kids, I remain civil and pleasant, but I won't pretend that everything is normal. Despite the tension, we have already paid a lot of money for the holiday, and after considering my children and nieces, I have decided to go. However, I am feeling very anxious about how the trip will go, especially during the evenings when we are all in the accommodation together. How should I handle this? I don't want to come across as bitchy, but I also don't think it's fair for me to pretend they haven't been unkind towards me just to make them feel more comfortable. At this point in my life, I honestly don't care if people don't like me. Not everyone can get along, and that's fine, but I can't stand the falseness.

Can you change your booking to a different date?

@awkrdtrtl
There is a difference between civility and falseness. Surely , you can all be civil for a few days without anything being false. You don't have to like people to manage to get along with them. Our would environments often require this. You simply stay aware from topics that will trigger conflict. You leave any discussions that seem to be headed that way.

Adults should all have enough self control to manage a few days together. If you can't model mature behavior for your respective child, how can you expect reasonable behavior from them?

Please don't take this the wrong way but how long do you want to carry this forward? Not saying what they may have done is right etc but they're going nowhere and it'll just take up alot of negative energy in your life.

This. Do you want the children's memory of this holiday to be the one where the adults were constantly sniping at each other or where the adults were adults and the kids had a great time? You can't control other people's behaviour but you can choose to model good social skills to the children.

All very well to tell other people to suck it up and be nice, but I'm in no position to do so (and I suspect, that if they're really honest, neither are a good many other Munsnetters). I'd take a holiday with my SLT before I'd ever go away with my in-laws, and as far as I'm concerned a goodly proportion of the SLT are weapons-grade wankers so that doesn't say much for the in-law dynamic.

As for the 'modelling good behaviour to your kids' protestation, IMO it does no good to model to your kids what a pushover looks like. Life is too short to be around negativity like this.

You booked the holiday, but who paid for it? Is there a deposit paid, and is anybody as yet out of pocket? This alone might influence my response.

Otherwise, I think in the circumstances it's completely fine to find a sudden clash in your calendar: an unmissable strategy away day, a chance to see relatives of your own from the other side of the planet, an international conference you've been invited to host: anything. You'd be completely justified in making other plans that don't involve parting with your hard-earned cash and annual holiday days to feel like crap with people who treat you less than well.

People will tell you to 'be kind', but there is no law to say women constantly have to put everyone else's wants ahead of their own. You matter too. If you want some anonymous internet person's full and free permission to cancel, OP, consider you have it!

I've not once said I'll snipe at them or cause any tension. I've said I'll be nothing but civil and pleasant and focus mainly on the children. I just feel very nervous about it, it's not nice being around people that are nice to your face and awful behind your back and I don't know how to handle the times that the kids will be in bed especially. Is it rude to keep my distance at those times?

@SerafinasGoose
Being civil is not necessarily the same as being kind. When all parties are civil there is nothing to suck up. You can be polite in the moment without ever referencing any past grievances.

You can talk about meaningless surface topics without ever venturing into topics of disagreement or conflict.

These are all adults with children. Surely they have enough self control that they can manage civility for a few days.

If not , just suffer the financial loss and don't go. If the hatred is so intense than it is a better decision than ruining the experience for the young cousins who should not have to share the adult animosity.

@awkrdtrtl
If they are always nice to your face and you are prepared to be civil all of the time, there will be little likelihood of awkwardness.

Let the cousins enjoy the time together. They will have the opportunity to build great childhood memories if the adults can all manage to be civil adults.

What has your H said about their behaviour?. Does he know or does he not want to rock the boat either as you are now doing.

And what will happen post holiday?. Going on holiday with such nasty people will serve to show your kids that their mother is a doormat for other people to walk over. Your holiday time anyway is precious and should not be spent with nasty relations. I see that you booked the holiday but not who has paid for it so is there a further deposit to be paid?.

Do your children see much of their cousins anyway?. Are your children and theirs close in either age or location to each other?. If they are not they in all likelihood will not be close and particularly by the time they are teens because they will make their own friends in and outside school.

I'd cancel they'll gang up on you and make you the problem regardless how you behave.Your DH will be outnumbered and likely take their side. It's a disaster waiting to happen, sorry x

@SarahC50
If the family members are unfailingly kind in the OP's presence, why should this trip be any different?

These adults have never been rude or unkind when together which shows that they are all capable of being civil.

Why for see a problem where no has existed in the past. The OP does not have to do anything that she has not done before nor do they.

A holiday is intended to be a time for relaxation. Not for walking on eggshells and 'maintaining civilities' to the extent that you stick to two topics: the weather and everybody's health. For sure, mature adults can manage to 'be civil'. Until one isn't and it escalates. Christmas lunch together is one thing; days away all under the same roof is quite another. As if life/work stresses etc were not difficult enough without adding voluntary obstacles to your own wellbeing.

OP, you've stated that you've made the decision to go. You're already pulling out all the stops to make life easier for your husband and kids, and are doing this at your own expense. You've been more than magnanimous, and it seems to be you putting in most of the effort to keep the peace. What does your husband say about this? Does he have your back?

To answer your direct questions yes, if cancellation really isn't a possibility then you're not being remotely unreasonable to make yourself scarce during the evenings when the adults will be together. Even better, you could take a rota of babysitting so the other couples can go out, and get them to return the favour. That way they get something, you get something, and you all get out of each other's hair. Win-win.

But don't be too keen to set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm. It IS okay to consider your own wants and needs, too.

No way would I go. Life is too short to spend time and money on people who don’t like you/you don’t get on with. It’s not going to be a great holiday is it - rearrange it!

@awkrdtrtl
If this is becoming such a stressor for you, and you cannot get the money back, why not just let your husband and children go without you? That way ,you are spared any discomfort, and your children. still.get to.build great childhood memories with the cousins.

Every effort should be made not to taint the relationship among the cousins with adult animosity.