Should I take dh back?

[smurfmum]

Wondered what mn had to think about my taking dh back...

I threw him out after he behaved very insensitively and judgementally. (I was mummoomin, namechanged)..Preg accidentally with a third, then miscarried.

I threw him out a couple of weeks ago. But he really isnt so bad, and I do really miss him. Dd is upset because she hasnt seen him much, and he is sorry he has been a chavenist pig. He realises he is a bit of a wanker, and a workaholic and totally judgemental...though I dont think he is capable of change. He isnt abusive, or bad, just...a bit old fashioned and useless.

I dont think he will ever change totally, but he isnt all bad...

Do you think I should let him back on a trial run? I kind of miss the old fart.

do you love him? Do you want him back in your house?

It may be good to have a long chat and a trial period

Sorry to hear you MC'd, i was following your thread buut lost it. Keep well.

tough call

he totally neglected you and almost punished you during a very dark and difficult time

i would say give it another go, but with ground rules and help from relate or some other 3rd party

I dont know if I love him. I kind of miss him, and being a single mum is really tough indeed.

Its easier without him in some ways. He isnt nasty per se, just a bit silly. But yes, he was awful, unsupportive and bullied me when I was vulnerable.

I had a rotten few weeks, the attempted break in, run over, pushchair broke, miscarried. Instead of holding my hand he made it all worse.

But he is sorry. And the kids miss him. And I hate being alone.

I think Ill say a trial run, with relate on board might be possible. But not just come back in and pretend everything is ok.

Im also horribly broody, which doesnt help.

I just cant imagine being with anyone else. Two kids, a jelly for a tummy, etc...I guess it would be either he comes back or I spend the rest of my life alone with the kids.

Don't take him back because something isn't always better than nothing.

I would try and have a talk alone with him and see what both of you want from the future.

Don't ever be with someone because it's convenient. Life is all about change. Don't stick to what you know just because it's easy. Every break up leaves you thinking "Oh i'll be alone forever now!", but if you met DH, then there's nothing stopping you from meeting someone else.

I'd say get back together, with relate, but dont let him move back in til you've sorted your issues. It is harder on the kids when they are in and out. Fix it, then see.
IMO

He isnt abusive, just difficult. Is it enough to break up a marriage over dh being a bit of an arse...

I guess Ill ask him to come for dinner and have a chat after dc have gone to bed. He is lonely and sad and doesnt really understand why he isnt here with us.

I know I shouldnt take him back because I dont like being alone. The kids do miss him, esp dd.

I dont know what to do.

Ive been going to counselling, even spoke to the Gp to see about antidepressents. Gp seemed to think I was ok.

he was more than a bit of an arse, from what you posted here

staying with someone, settling for something not great is not necessarily the answer

Ive never gone through a break up with dc in tow though...Its different, the ties are stronger because he is their daddy. I could never have another man in my house who wasnt their father, it wouldnt feel right to me. Not that I think it is wrong, just I couldnt personally trust another man with my dc. So it is alone for the next 17 or so years...or take him back.

when my dad left and wanted to come back. My mum said that he could start by taking her out on dates then if that worked OK he could come back for weekends then if that worked OK.... very sensible really when she was desparate to have him back.

Sadly he is a git and dumped her again after a few dates, she was really glad she didn;t let him move straight back in.

"He is lonely and sad and doesnt really understand why he isnt here with us."

That says it all.

Until he understands - don't kid yourself in thinking everything will be fine once he's back. Especially if you don't even know if you love him.

"I could never have another man in my house who wasnt their father" - of course you think that after a few weeks but never say "never" you might think differently in a few years time.

I don't think it is be alone or take him back..

I think the courting thing sounds like a good idea, once you have both talked and established that you both want to try again.

Ground rules can be a bit boss and servant but behaviour guidelines are a necessity.

If you let him back without some major changes on his part you are effectively condoning his behaviour and setting up a repeat performance.

Dates and Relate imho.

I agree with others- I think before you can even think about letting him back he has to really understand why he has been kicked out!! Otherwise nothing changes! people are capable of change, but he needs to know in no uncertain terms what you expect from the relationship and what you will no longer tolerate. You are in a position of strength right now- make sure you use it wisely! Good luck!

you are making a grey area very black and white

agree with the dating etc..

if he just comes back, he learns nothing, the dynamic does not change and it happens again and you are in a weaker position

you had a terribel time, and he did not support you

he needs to understand and get to grips with how this break up happened, and if he does not understand that what he did was unacceptable, you are not going to fare very well

Hi

I have followed your various threads adn you have been thru such a lot in recent weeks/months.

tbh, i'm not sure that his behaviour wasn't abuse over the unexpected pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. that was totally more than just difficult.

i know it's difficult not to look back with rose tinted specs when you're struggling to come to terms with being separated and a future as single parent.

of course he's sad and lonely, he's lost his wife and family. can he, and is he prepared to, do what needs to be done to get them back?

you say you don't think he can change. why not? life is all about change and adapting so why shouldn't you both be able to change and work together to have a good marriage where you can both be happy?

i second what has been said wrt the kids, it will be confusing for them if you take him back and then it subsequently doesn't work out.

my advice would be to take things slowly, get some relationship counselling, be open to reconciliation but use this time to define how you both want your marriage to be in the future.

it doesn't have to be black & white: take him back or divorce right at this instant.

being a single parent is incredibly hard but also very rewarding. fear of being alone or the need to have something rather than nothing shouldn't be your driver for taking him back . neither should his sadness or loneliness.

fwiw, i think you should take a little more time to get past some of the initial, body-shocking effects of the separation. once some of the emotions you are experiencing have subsided you will be able to think more clearly about what you want teh future to look like.

Good post PC, agree with every word.

Would just like to add though that maybe DH found it difficult to be supportive because he was in a bit of turmoil about everything himself. Maybe he just didn't know how to show you the support you needed. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour, just trying to see it from a more forgiving perspective.

Not a bad idea to let him try to 'win' you back with a bit of effort and attention, rather than letting him come straight back.

What has he changed about himself that makes you think you can take him back without the issues that made you bin him in the first place?

If the answer is, nothing, except "saying sorry", then it will be a mistake.

Thanks for the advice.

I spoke to him face to face tonight, we are going to go to relate together. I am going to let him come back at the weekend, as long as HE books the relate sessions to show some kind of committment. Also Ive asked him to organise home help for grandpa.

WE have set some ground rules. Including him helping round the house at weekends and doing some of the less fun and more practical things for the children - like bathing them occasionally.

He is a bit of a pratt, but he is not violent or abusive. And I really cant cope as a single mum. At least Im willing to admit that. Ive a newfound great respect for women who do raise their family alone. I know I cant do it as well as I can do it with dh around. Im just not that great a parent to be able to do it alone, I get tired and lonely.

For better or worse, I guess, and I need to do what is best for the children, and that is having him around. He is a good dad, and he does love them immensely. He just takes me for granted. If we can mend things between us at least while the kids are small.

I know people say staying together for the kids is wrong, but he hasnt had an affair, he hasnt hit me, he isnt emotionally abusive. He is just a bit of a pratt and sometimes judges others (including me) unfairly.

He really hadnt coped well with the miscarriages we have had, and my even talking about an abortion really upset him. Then my miscarrying again, he just didnt know how to cope with it, and nor did I to be honest. He is hurting and when he is hurting he behaves badly. I know i havent let him grieve, and to be honest, I know its wrong, but I did feel like he had no right to be so damn upset over the miscarriages, it was my body, and my babies I lost. It wasnt something I let him in on. Which was wrong of me. I didnt handle it very well.

He isnt that strong. Its not a crime I guess.

Thank you for the support

x