abusive ex and Christmas self-pity

[thatbigbear]

I don't want to see my abusive ex on Christmas Day but the kids do, fair enough. So my compromise was to invite him for a few hours to see them opening presents. He won't do that as he says it's not fair/too hard for him going home to an empty house afterwards (his family are a couple of hours drive away). So I suggested he had the kids Christmas Eve instead, or Boxing Day, so he can still go to his family on Christmas Day. That's not good enough either as he'll have to cut short his visit and be on the road whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves.

It's all about him. Not even slightly about what the kids might need. I am so sick of him playing the victim when his behaviour is why we're in this situation in the first place. There is no point in pointing that out, I try as hard as I can to grey rock so as not to get dragged back into it all. But god I am sick of it, and of being blamed for what has happened.

Just need to say this to someone as I don't talk to the little ones about this obviously, I know there's no solution but just to keep on as I am. It's just so hard.

OP, he continues to emotionally abuse your children by guilting them that he is sad.

He is disgusting scum and you need to keep reminding yourself that he is abusing his children.

As @Sicario rightly writes, Do not allow him into your home for any reason.

He is an abuser.
He will try and manipulate you.

You are NOT responsible for his relationship with his children.

Drop the rope.

Pin it up on the fridge to remind you.

You are not responsible for this awful man.

Remember to rubbish his sadness to your children.

Say anything to dismiss the guilt he is trying to place on their young shoulders.

Protect them from him.

No decent parent would burden their young children like that.

Roundly dismiss it and him.

Why can't he have them Christmas Day? Surely it's reasonable to take turns tbh.

Maybe they do and this year is OP's?

Maybe they do @Sexlivesofthepotatomen!

Sometimes it helps to have a script. Certain sentences you respond to him with which don’t allow for conversation.
Him: Whiney whine, poor me, all alone, boo hoo.
You: You want to speak to a therapist about that. Bye.
And another couple of phrases that are similar.

Have set day, set time for him to collect children and drop them back. Don’t vary it ( that doesn’t work for us) Never let him in the house. Have a friend there if possible at drop off time. They take more training than a Beagle, ex husbands.

You've still got a way to go and arrangements in general to sort out if you can't exclude him from your home yet. In fact you're inviting him still - allbeit for a shorter period than he'd like. He shouldn't be there at all!
Even if you had invited him for longer, he doubtless would find another boundary to push you on, just because that's what abusers do.
You need to set the way things are going to be and never even think of giving an inch of compromise, just to be kind, because you are sending him messages that it's open season to push for more by doing that. It's sport for them and is all about what they can get.
Give him whatever terms with a ' take it or leave it' approach.
If that affects the DC, that's his problem and your DC can then see him for what he is. Best not to shield them from the truth.

Get it over with Christmas eve OP.

Say you have the kids Christmas eve, you get them at hyper excited, a magical Christmas eve with daddy, then you are free to go and party with your family for as long as you want/need.

In reality what this means is once kids are back you don't have to see him again for the festive season, you can chill with the kids, super excited on Christmas day and take the rest at your own pace and not have to make any accommodation for him.

thanks again everyone, your anger has re-ignited my own! I'm not sure what's happening, as I begin to feel stronger, my anger at him has lessened and I can see him for the pathetic creature that he is...hence the feeling sorry for him, which isn't helpful in day-to-day dealings with him.

I think I have been too worried about the effect on the DC re boundaries, ie making them what I felt was strong (his coming to, and into the house has been much reduced) but actually they could be stronger still; 15 years of facilitating his relationship with the kids is a hard habit to break and more than anything I don't want to hurt them any more than they have been already.

Yeah, they are very good at finding people to.enable them. Well done for remembering and getting your anger back!

You are over-complicating matters, IMO. Yes, it would be nice if he - like you - put your kids first. But he doesn't, so what can you do? He'll just have to see the kids after Christmas, then. There's no way I would cater to him, allow him into my home, and ruin my own Christmas for HIM. Maybe if you parted on good terms, but you say he was abusive, so...no. Sucks for the kids, but I'm sure they'll still have a great celebration.

You have gone out of your way to offer up solutions , even to the point of having him in your home which will surely put a dampener on your Christmas. Do no more . Plenty of separated parents share care over Christmas. Does he want you back ? As it sounds like he just wants you to say to come and spend Christmas with you . Either he wants his foot back in the door or it’s a form of control- he knows you don’t want him there and is trying to control the situation as he’s lost control being separated .

You have offered solutions , it’s not your problem now . His feelings aren’t your responsibility. I would be inclined to revoke the invitation to come over Xmas as from what you have said it sounds like he might just stay anyway even if you want him to go .

Your perception is spot on @LanaL - he was expecting me to cave in and invite him for the whole day (which I haven't and am not going to, it would be bad enough having him there for a couple of hours), and yes he may well think there is a chance we could get back together (not a snowball in hell's chance from my perspective), and control is his aim in everything he does.

Nope, I have organised our Christmas now, catching up with friends on Christmas Eve and going to other friends on Christmas Day...he can do what he likes, where he likes, but it won't be with us!

Excellent update.

Good woman.

Not an inch of compassion should ever be shown to an abusive prick.

Practice stock, benign, banal responses, to any sad stories from your children.

Hi Ex
I've thought about it and you're right, you being here for a couple of hours on Christmas day won't work.
You can pick them up at 10am on Boxing Day for your celebrations and have them New Year's Eve; 9am pick up on the 31st and 6pm drop off on the 1st.
See you on the 26th