Why does it seem like people with relationship problems are drawn to me and my fiancé?

[imnotatherapist]

We have been together for nine years. From the day we met, we exchanged numbers and texted every day (or every hour!). Moved in together, got engaged, had a baby. I'm not saying we're perfect, we've had some rough patches (especially since having a baby), but no major 'make or break' arguments, no ultimatums. Living together is like having a sleepover with my best friend every night.

A lot of our family and friends have had quite a few spates of relationship problems, and they often use me or my partner (or both at the same time) as free therapists. My brother, my MIL, my best friend. And we always listen, we bring them cups of tea while they lament on our sofa. I'm not always keen on it when my toddler is in the room, she's 20 months so it's not like she understands but I worry she might pick up on the negativity or something!

It's usually the same problems, often problems that only the people in the relationship can fix. We offer advice but it's sort of passed over to begin talking about the next problem. Very rarely will they say, so how have you been anyway? My best friend always apologises for trauma dumping etc., and I did suggest she try therapy because all I can do is listen. I never know what to say because nothing i do say will make it better, and I told her this, and she said she understands and that she's just happy I'm listening. She did start therapy but she still tells me everything anyway! I've resorted to almost shutting down and saying 'mmhm' or 'oh that sounds tough' etc in all the right places.

The cynical, full-of-trust-issues part of my brain is telling me that these people see we have it good (from their perspective) and they want to taint our relationship by reminding us that it's not all roses for everyone. That they want to bring us down to their bad mood because they're jealous of seeing us happy. But the other more rational part of my brain is telling me that they see us as good listeners, as trustworthy people and our home is a safe space.

We can't exactly tell these people to stop venting to us without offending them. My partner will gently say to his mum something like 'you're here to see your grandchild, why don't we talk about something a bit more cheerful?' and then he'll tell his mum how our toddler is getting on at nursery, or something that isn't ex boyfriend related. And you can see his mum look a little crestfallen but she does try to start talking about something else, but she always eventually falls back to her troubles. Even when she's about to leave, she'll tell us more but really fast as if she's desperate to get it off her chest!

I don't think your family are trying to bring you down Op, maybe they see you being happy and think you've cracked this and know all the answers! It's difficult to discuss problems with people outside the family incase they use it as gossip, they think you'll listen and keep it to yourself.

I also doubt this is people trying to bring you down, perhaps more that they see you as being fortunate enough to have a solid relationship and think they can learn from you? And as you say, that your home is a safe space. I’d see it as a compliment (but I get that it could be annoying for you!)

I have friends who have a brilliant marriage and I think this kind of dynamic happens for them too actually. Partly because the rest of us “mere mortals” who struggle with our relationships find it helpful to bounce things off people we trust who have got a good relationship and can offer both a male and female perspective on our problems. Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re being the unreasonable one or if it’s your partner, or are you both just being overly petty etc.

One of the things that helped me to leave my abusive ex husband was my friend’s lovely husband’s perspective of what he was saying and doing. He was shocked and completely appalled that anyone would treat me like that, and it made me realise that what my ex was saying and doing wasn’t how a decent husband would behave.

But it’s ok to set boundaries with it if it’s becoming overwhelming! Having said that, I feel a little sorry for your MIL, I hate it when people say “oh let’s talk about something more cheerful” when I’m in distress about something. Makes me feel like I can’t be my real self with them and I have to pretend to be fine even though I’m not. Especially if there is an implication that you don’t care about your grandchildren. I think it’s kinder to set clear boundaries in advance.

I expect that the people asking you for relationship advice see that you are in a committed contented relationship and so would be able to offer them valuable advice on the topic.

It’s really strange that any part of you would think they are all jealous of you or are trying to taint your relationship! Unless of course there’s other behaviour you haven’t mentioned that would make you think that.

I have a close friend I always go to for advice/support when I’m having relationship problems. I do so because she’s extremely compassionate and offers amazing care and advice. I would be absolutely horrified if she thought it was because I was trying to spoil her own relationship!! It goes without saying that I am always there any time she needs a vent. Maybe you should take time away from these relationships if listening to venting is too much for you.

@imnotatherapist
How about just saying "we talked about you last time, let's talk about x,y,z this time , or let's not talk about problems this time. Let's talk about something different"

Once you cease to be recognized as the problem sounding board, the may reach out less, but would that be a problem?

Clearly , they are not looking to you to solve their problems. They seem just to need an available ear. They may see your relationship as a model relationship; they may just think that you do not have the same need or desire to share.

They just know you're a soft touch who will let them vent, I doubt theres anything more sinister than that.

You need to start taking control of the conversation yourself and redirecting it to topics that you want to talk about.

If you are getting an instinct that people want to bring you down - they.want.to.bring.you.down.

That's the first thing you have to address. Removing the people from your life. Now I'm not saying that anyone who tells you their tough times is that sort of person. But i am saying that IF you feel they are that sort of person, act accordingly and distance yourselves.

Because energy vampire people are not rare. And if you have one in your life, chances are you'll have a few more too. They have preferences for nice people who will give them more than their fair share of their time and energy.

If you're not sure if someone is of that sort
..ask yourself: do I conistently feel drained after their visit? Do they always seem to be negative about things such as work and people in their life, yet do nothing to change their situations? Do they seem to enjoy your misery? Do they play down or try to one up your achievements? Do they seem jealous of your happiness? Do they build you up...or bring you down? And, would they support me as I do them in a similar situation?

If you're seeing consistently, someone is essentially, not nice, unsupportive, a misery guys, a killjoy and a soul sucker - remove.them.from.your.life.

I think sometimes, when you're clearly a lot more functional than most of the people around you in one or all ways, they end up clinging to you. It isn't necessarily a deliberate thing. It's more about there being a shortage of people who have their shit together in some circles.

Which isn't to say you have any obligation to keep accepting it, of course.

It's weird that you think they're deliberately trying to bring you down, that's not something I'd ever consider if someone was opening up about their problems to me.

But if you feel you're being brought down anyway, you still get to set boundaries around all the unloading. A brisk change of subject after a time limit. A reminder that you gave them XYZ advice the last time. (It's a real peeve of mine when people ask for my advice and then do bugger all about it.)

And if you feel these acquaintances are "takers" who never seem to care or ask about your life, you can distance themselves to whatever extent you feel works for you. I have a few friendly acquaintances who talk about themselves 90% of the time and I mostly keep them around if they're amusing and funny. But I'm under no illusion that we're close friends.

You seem to believe that having a great relationship is all you need to be happy. In your shoes, I'd be careful not to alienate those closest, even when they are 'trauma dumping.'
The first ten years of my marriage were like a fairytale. Life was a breeze. Twenty years later we're still happily married but we've been to hell and back. A couple of examples being DB dying aged 19 in an accident, losing both parents prematurely and myself having a life-limiting illness, none of which were obviously caused by our relationship. I've needed those friends and family. Try to empathise and be grateful for your good fortune in life.

I attract similar issues with friends trauma dumping. It can be very draining, and upsetting when people repeatedly ignore good advice and keep coming back in a crazy loop. I realised I was kind of enabling that behaviour, and it might be doing them (and myself!) a favour if I could briskly point out that all my best advice had already been given on this subject, many times, and I had nothing else I could think of to say that might help. Perhaps they should consider 1) take my advice to solve the problem.
Or 2) get better advice from a therapist to solve the problems.
When one of these friends told me "I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, I want you to listen" I realised that she was mercilessly trauma dumping on me, and was unwilling to address any of the problems, just make herself somehow feel better about them by making me part of it and continuing to wallow... which was exhausting me, upsetting me and taking up all my precious after work free time. Making my children miss out... It really wasn't fair. I'm more careful now, but in a way it's too late as my kids have grown up and left home and not one of those people would be available to me now, after all the sacrifices I made for them.

"We can't tell people to stop"

Yes, yes you absolutely can.

"I'm sorry I don't have capacity to hold space for you on this subject, please try somebody else." take it to your therapist and stop dumping about on me

They shouldn’t do it.

It is not fair on you at all.

You are NOT their unpaid therapist.

It’s extremely selfish of them dumping their shit on you all the time.

Time to put some strong boundaries in place.

Make a stand, politely but absolutely firmly.

I think they all feel you are a safe space
but better boundaries are needed maybe ?

Far more likely they recognise, consciously or not, that you have poor assertiveness and boundaries, and are peoole-pleasers, and, even though you don’t want to hear endless relationships problems and worry about the effect on your toddler, you still can’t bring yourself to say ‘Stop. I’ve had enough of this’.

I agree with pps, it’s weird that you’re trying to turn this into some kind of deep compliment to your relatiinship.

As someone who has been through hard times in relationships, and supported my friends when they have conversely, you do not sound sympathetic or empathetic. God forbid you go to your friends when you are in need of support, were your relationship to ever struggle. Don’t see it as anything to do with you or where you are in life, it probably not remotely reflecting of anything to do with your own situation. People need to vent to a friendly ear, and this should be friends and family. Not just therapists. If a friend had written the above about me, someone who has had a horrible time with a relationship, I’d be horrified and hurt.

I think when you feel bad after a conversation you can be tempted to think 'they were trying to make me feel bad' whereas it's just normal transference of emotions.
Be strict with boundaries if you can't handle these situations x

I don't think anyone gets stuff off their chest as part of a strategy to sully someone's relationship, so I think maybe that part of your thinking is coming from a bit of building resentment.

Your other suggestion that you are kind good listeners where people feel safe is, I'm sure, where the truth lies.

The difficulty is the sheer volume and frequency from what you've said. If so many people are experiencing issues they bring to you.

I can't see what else you can do other than take each person aside for a confessional chat where you say that you feel things are imbalanced in your relationship with them (leave the others out of it) and that while you feel it's important for each to be there for the other it's also important for listening to be mutual and some light hearted stuff to be in the mix... Or words to that effect.

Or if that doesn't seem doable, just go with the subtle bushes like your DH has done, but put it out if your mind they are trying to bring you down, it really doesn't sound like that. People who want to do that would be more likely to make snide digs or stir trouble.

XH and I were like this.

Even asking "how are you?" would get the majority of people telling me/us their woes.

I never thought they were trying to pull our relationship down, far from it. I put myself in their shoes and tried to see how this hurt they were living was consuming them. I also knew several of them would tell their woes to whoever asked how they were, as they were that sort of person. Glass was always half empty.

If your toddler is in the room, you have a great excuse to move the conversation on, and to keep moving it in if it heads back to the trauma. Take them to change their nappy/get a snack/get a toy.

Use this "natural" break in conversation to return to the room with "have I managed to tell you about my latest holiday/work crisis/crazy night out?" and then babble away at them.

If your toddler isn't there, loo breaks and making drink breaks work in the same way.

Rinse and repeat every time they turn the conversation back to their trauma.

It comes across like you have an air of superiority about how great your relationship is, I doubt anyone is giving it that much thought, let alone trying to bring you down out of jealousy, seriously 😂. That comes across as incredibly self-involved.

People are generally just focused on themselves and like to talk about their own problems. If you’re finding it too much just say “sorry I’m struggling to take all this on right now, can we talk about something more cheerful”.

Also get a bit of this. I’m happy to listen a few times about a certain problem, but after that I say that we’ve talked about this, I think you know what you’ve got to do to sort it out, nothing will change until you do so so what’s the point of this conversation? My very good friend had an awful relationship and she’d dump over that, she finally got rid but still has him in her life as a friend, I told her I didn’t want to hear anything more about him and she’s kept quiet since.

I am blunt though, and it’s quite useful for drawing out boundaries.

Why on earth would you think that someone off loading about their own relationship problems is trying to “taint” yours? That’s a very odd way to look at things.

People going through relationship problems often turn to their nearest and dearest for advice or to vent. In no way are they doing this trying to ‘bring down’ others. If you don’t want to hear it, change the subject to deflect it, as your husband did to his mother. Don’t assume it’s really about you!

The point about other people trying to taint your relationship came to me as such a shock when I was reading your post that I thought you could go and see a therapist about that reaction, not because it implies anything wrong about you because it’s idiosyncratic and quite interesting! I really do not think that is what is going on.

It sounds to me as if you have a gift for making people feel heard and understood, which they really value. There also might be an element of them seeing your relationship as a positive role model and wanted to know your secret!

In terms of what you can do, do you have anyone in your social circle who listens to you? You might find it helps to have someone who listens to you.

I listened to a cousin off load about her problems for a hour. As soon as I began to talk about my partners health problems she made an excuse and put the phone down .Next time start talking about Your troubles and you won't see these people for dust .

OP, it's a pity you haven't come back. You've had a lot of thoughtful responses.....

It's interesting, considering the topic. This was your chance to 'have a moan on the couch' about your problem..... and you have scarpered!

"I'm sorry I don't have capacity to hold space for you on this subject, please try somebody else."

🙈🙈 this is perfectly put and actually explains why I’ve had to let go of so many people

but it so hard to say