Is this projection or are the things he says really true?

[Doesitgeteasierthanthis]

Ex partner of 12 years had an affair and after being caught out announced he had been unhappy for years and I was unkind.he then moved out and on with the other women. He has picked up on random arguments in the past and announced I was abusive. The other women says I am a narcissist and abusive because I got mad after the affair. I am apparently also emotionally unregulated. I know I’m not perfect far from but with two young children and a husband who was out of the country I was just exhausted the last few years. Feel my really low and questioning my whole character. My self esteeem is at an all time low.

does also contacting my ex and getting annoyed about the fact he is away and has barely seen the kids this year make me an awful abusive person?

I don’t have an answer to whether you were or not (as obviously none of us were there and only you know if these allegations have any basis), BUT I suspect that him blaming you or throwing these allegations at you are probably a way to deal with the guilt he feels somewhere deep down, as is the OW.

after all, It makes it easier to justify if you were the “bad guy” and in reality comments like this say a lot about him.
I’m sure in the immediate family circle he’s probably getting a lot of slack about the way he’s treated you and the kids and he’s lashing out, clawing onto a way that this situation can be justified when everyone knows in reality it absolutely can’t be.

for your own mental health I would probably try to focus on you, and try not to talk to him (and absolutely not her) unless absolutely necessary.

I hope you are okay - this is awful for you and very traumatic. Take care of yourself and your wee ones and ensure you have a strong support network around you
x x x

Do you know she is saying these things? Or is he just telling you she is? Because he will likely be lying to you both about eachother.

Regarding her, if you meet in future (eg: because she's going to be in your kids life) I'd probably say 'I ask moving forwards that we both attempt to meet eachother with respect and decency, when our paths cross. Instead of allowing a man to play us off against eachother like pokemon cards. Because, life's too short for that. Sound like a fair plan?'.

Also 'I'm not sure that the fact your opinion of me is formed solely on what my ex says, paints me in a fair light. Are all your exs lovely about you?'.

I would act warmly towards her even though it might be tough. Maybe say things like 'gosh, this is such an awkward situation isn't it, don't worry, it's all good'.

Yes it's going to be hard but, in showing her consistantly you are a nice person (to her anyway), you undermine what he says about you.

However, I would avoid spending too much time in either of their presenses if possible. The fact that he's ghosting the kids is actually a good thing. He's a prick. Less time they have to spend with him, the better.

Also, I'm not saying to pander to her if it turns out she is a total bitch (and it's not just that he is manipulating her). Just, keep it classy.

You're not a bad person. Expecting him to parent doesn't make you a bad person either. But id ease off for now. Just make sure to get child support set up.

Consider his actions. It's what people do that really counts not what they say. He has betrayed your trust and abandoned you and your kids. He is gaslighting you and is praying the victim to try and make himself look better.

He is gaslighting you. Personally I would keep contact as low as possible.

I am yet to hear of anyone who has had an affair who has thrown their hands up and blamed themselves for their infidelity.
They have to blame the partner they left to remove their own guilt
It's all part of 'the script' and he'll be no doubt telling her all sorts of bs and it won't be until years down the line after he's done similar to her that she'll realise the reality.
It's so textbook .

Sorry you’re going through this, unfortunately it’s all too common.

Look up grey rock. You’re fuelling his narrative every time you have a text rant. His new woman will find out for herself who he really is (won’t that be a fun surprise for her?!), but in the meantime they are feeding off this triangulation with you. You can’t control them but you can opt out of it.

Thank you all for your advice:

Having a particularly bad week as having to deal with the emotional fallout with my daughter aged 7 who is really struggling with some abandonment issues. My heart is breaking for her.

I was repeatedly cheated on and gaslighted throughout the relationship and I’m really struggling with a lot of trauma. After I found out about the affair he then admited to sleeping with 6 other women. Just cried hysterically for a good hour as I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I hope it will get easier. It’s really hard having to be so responsible for everything with zero help.

He's rewriting history to make out that you're the bad guy.

As for her saying this and that - well. Who gives a shit what she thinks anyway. All she knows is the pack of lies he's strung her, and she's welcome to him.