DH breakdown and don’t know what to do

[Loupalou]

Need some guidance please because I am totally unprepared for this.
Found out today that DH had been abused as a child and he is not coping at all. I basically came home and found him drunk and incredibly upset. DCs were upset because they couldn’t understand what we going on. He is now asleep and I’m feeling overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do next because I guess he’ll be as bad tomorrow again but I don’t know.

Are there any specific services that we can use that are open at the weekend if required or would it be A&E as a worst case? Just looking for a support option.

Thank you

It's likely that something has triggered these feelings.

Worth trying to think about what it could be - death of parent, your children hitting a particular age, etc.

GP's can prescribe diazepam and anti-depressants/anti anxiety drugs that will help. Do you have an out of hours? If so they can prescribe and get him started straight away.

A and E will get him to see someone but it will be a long wait.

He needs therapy. NHS therapy is split into two categories, the self-referral well being services which is basically for anxiety and depression and the more serious stuff.

He needs to see his GP to get a referral for therapy (not the well-being stuff).

His father just died and he had seemed indifferent because they had been nc for such a long time. Then this happened.

Thank you that’s really valuable information.

Hello OP, I'm so sorry to hear this.

As a PP mentioned, your children reaching the age at which he was first abused can be a common trigger for long-suppressed trauma to resurface.

It's really encouraging that he felt able to tell you - male survivors often feel they are under a heavier burden of shame and silence than women so it's testament to the strength of your marriage that he trusts you enough to share this with you. He may feel very fearful as a result of disclosing this long held secret.

I would not suggest taking him to A&E unless he feels in danger of harming himself - there will be a very long wait and very little treatment beyond a referral, which should more properly come from his GP.

For now, your best course of action is to reassure him that you will support him in whatever he needs, be that therapy, time off work, etc. The way he is feeling now might feel completely overwhelming to him but it is absolutely normal for abuse survivors and he is not "going mad" - he is having a trauma response, and he can and will recover from this.

The following organisations may be helpful
https://napac.org.uk/ (closed weekends)
https://www.survivorsuk.org/ - for male survivors. My late husband was involved in this organisation. Their chatline is open tomorrow from 12-8pm. They also have a section on their website about how to help a loved one:
https://www.survivorsuk.org/resource_articles/coping-with-disclosure/

There may also be local support groups available and I will say from my own experience that talking to other abuse survivors can be incredibly helpful.

I wish you and him all the best. Please do PM me if I can help any further.

OP, you've had excellent advice and signposting which I'm struggling to add to. But I've been through similar and please remember to look after yourself. Can anyone take the children for a bit? Can you talk to someone in real life? Wishing you all the best.

This is great, thank you.
I don’t think I can talk to anyone close to us because he was so adamant that he didn’t want anyone to know and I wouldn’t want to betray his trust. He did scare me and I considered asking my MiL to take the children but he said that he doesn’t want his mother to know so I don’t want to make this worse. If he is like this tomorrow I might ask her to look after them for a bit anyway.

Excellent advice OP, just to say thinking of you and wishing you both strength. I think its a good idea to ask your MIL to take the children over the weekend, perhaps just say he is feeling unwell and needs to rest, no need to elaborate.
l hope you manage to get some help and support for him asap and please look after yourself too.

All the organisations @EvenMoreFuriousVexation has given. NSPCC will also advise.
Was it his father ? His death means he can’t be punished, or even yelled at or exposed, so if it was him that’s the cause of this coming back to hit your DH. I don’t think you ever get over childhood abuse, you learn to live with it until something happens and it’s there all over again.

Just encourage your DH to talk , if not to you, to one of the organisations , hisGP or the police. He can always report abuse even if it’s historic and the perpetrator is dead.

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear what's happening with your husband. I know that it will be tough for all of you. I experienced an abusive and traumatic childhood and was rock-solid resilient and absolutely fine for 40-plus years. I was pretty much non-contact with my father in the years before his death - helped by my living abroad. It was the death of my mother that was my 'un-doing'. 50 years of everything that was locked-down, erupted to the surface - I think it was bubbling, but I was a master of containment. Major stress at work, in a successful career, was the final straw. Your husband will need love, patience, time and therapy. If you can, pay for private, rather than waiting on the NHS. I took time off work, which was SO beneficial - I just needed to be in a low stress, calm, safe environment. I didn't take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. Everyone is different and your husband needs to figure out what helps him. There's 100% no shame in medication but also 100% no need to think it's a given. As an aside, a lot of my career has been in mental health (in non-clinical roles) and I have seen and heard MANY stories of recovery and wellness.

Could you afford a private psychologist/psychatrist ? If he needs medication I don’t think psychologists can prescribe. Psychiatrist can.
The poor poor man. What a burden he has been carrying.
Is he sleeping? If he isn’t this could be a place to start as sleep really helps when ppl are struggling mentally.
also what @BatterseaBadger says. Also being very kind and gentle with him.

Does your DH work somewhere that has an employee assurance scheme/program as part of a private insurance package?
If so I recommend this to gain access to quick counselling as a starting point and they can signpost to mental health services.

^^ His employer won’t know if he uses the EAS. It’s entirely confidential.

Hi op,

Lots of great advice / singposting already posted, but I just wanted to add that there is 111 option 2 for telephone support by a mental health nurse. Available 24 hours a day. You just call 111 as you would normally and select option 2 when prompted.

I wish you both the best in this difficult Time

Thank you all. He has shut down again and is pretending that he is fine. He clearly isn’t but I won’t push him now. Will drop the children to MiL but it will be awkward as Dd had been particularly upset as she had seen him cry and throw up, so MiL will most likely hear that he was very unwell.
He does have private healthcare so will look what the plan offers.
And yes, it was his father. I’m feeling angry at MiL too which I know is unfair.
I’ve had a look at some of the resources and they have given me a starting point so thank you very much.

I hope things go well for you OP. Don’t worry about the kids - they’ll be excited to see MIL so will live in the moment.

Regarding my post I think the autocorrect messed it up but it’s actually called an Employee Assistance Plan or Scheme. All the major insurance providers have them: AXA, Bupa etc.