Should I push on to ask for my late mum and her belongings

[Sandy1084]

Hi all, I’m completely new to this and thought I’d give it a shot!
im looking for advice as I don’t know how to react or what to think and do regarding my dad . My mum passed away to cancer 2 years ago and it was an awful 18month battle with it she had. She was my best friend and not just my mum she passed away at the age of 62 I’m 36 . My dad has always made the grief about him thinks it’s way worse losing his wife rather than seeing we’ve lost our mum fully aware of how close mine and my brothers relationship was with her. She collected Christmas ornaments (she had very good taste might I add) she told my dad it was to be shared between me and my brother along with other things. Moving forward my dad still hasn’t handed them over he only passes mums things that are either in the way or bit by bit. He went looking for a relationship only 15 months on and became this adventurous person taking his new partner and her 20+ year old daughters to places yet he complained when my mum wanted to go to the shops he took her no where. We did when we learned to drive . Then mums second Christmas gone he gave his new partner one of my mums decorations to add for her tree and then her daughters decorated his tree with my mums ornaments and not asking his own kids or grandkids to help and yet me and my brother still haven’t received anything. He won’t cook for me and kids says it’s too much he can’t cope but then he’ll cook for them like Christmas dinner he makes it clear the invite is only his new family which he done last year plus daughters brought round boyfriends who were total strangers and to add insult to injury my mums ashes are in the house and I’ve asked for them so I can keep hold of them and he says no . Not one flower has been placed out for my mum on anniversaries of birthdays or mothers day because he says his new partner wouldn’t appreciate having flowers out for mum that’s why I want her home with me . People I know think he is making sure I stay around because he knows with the way his attitude and everything is he knows I’d never come back. There’s so much more I could say but would take forever to explain in messages. He never asks about his grandkids nothing it’s just showing me photos of there days out and eating out in places. He doesn’t come to visit me or message me . I never thought I’d be faced with this at all. Its like true colours are being seen and I dread seeing him now. I honestly don’t know what to think is this normal ??? Thanks in advance

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your current situation. Have you asked your dad directly for what was promised to you by your mum? I would be direct and ask for exactly what was promised if not. Everything else, I'm afraid, feels beyond your control as sad as it is. Unless you feel you can talk to him? Or send a letter explaining how it seems?

Hi, thank you , yes I’ve asked directly and only asked when I seen he gave his new partner mums ornament for her tree and the picture of them decorating the tree in “mum” and dads house. He said NO I paid for them. Which I thought was pretty vulgar as if it weren’t for mum he wouldn’t have had a nice home and nice trees or whatever to look at. We’ve grew up with all these things only for them to be used by strangers. As for mums ashes he doesn’t care other wise he wouldn’t have another woman in the house and bed while mum downstairs sorry to be crude in that way but that’s exactly what’s happening. Just all feels confusing.

I am sorrybi lost my mum to cancer same age 2 years ago also, she was also my best friend. My dad passes away few years before so no experience there.
But i do know if my that was my dad i would be disgusted. Ive seen it many many times how men move on very quick, shocking really. Im so sorry about all the child hood memories and arnomements it would pee me off. Honestly i would let them go for now make new memories for now and as for your dad gosh i would be so so cross

If he's not that bothered about stuff you find sentimental I would just go round and take it. What's he gonna do fight you for taking a Xmas decoration he doesn't care about? He's clearly moved on so why is he being funny about it?

Next time you see him could you just grab the ashes and run, or sneak them out?

If not, well - it's heartbreaking, but the ashes are not the personality and character of the mother you loved.

It doesn't sound as if your father liked his first wife or his kids very much, but what do you think?

I suspect you can't make him do what you want and most importantly you can't make him care about you. And yes, that is horrible.

You can buy ornaments similar to your childhood ones on eBay though, and remember your Mum through them. Nobody can stop you from doing that.

What's your brother's view on it all? Do you have a good relationship with him? Can you both sit him down and say you really want the things your mum was clear that she wanted you to have, so you can keep those memories of her with you. Would he just say no? I'd tell him how devastated you are that instead of respecting your mum's wishes, he's passing things she wanted onto his new family.

And if he still says no, I'd be cutting him out tbh.

I am so sorry he's showing his true colours. You could really have done without that.

I'd try and sneak the decorations and ashes out. If the ashes are in an urn, could you get a similar one and switch it? Normally I'd say it's totally underhanded but I think in this situation it's excuseable.

As for the decorations, if you can't sneak them out then I'd ask yourself what your mum would want. Would she want you to be stressing or would she be happy for you to start a new collection for your children? I'm sure she's passed on her good taste.

But I would wait until the tree is decorated and pay a visit and sneak just one off.

And after that I'd leave him to it. I think it's fairly certain that he's going to leave any inheritance to the new woman and her kids. And she won't be sharing it with you. I've got a friend in a similar situation with her step mum after her dad died. It's absolutely horrific, but it seems that the sooner you emotionally cut from wanting anything at all from him, the better for your mental health. Focus on what you do have which is nice memories of your mum and don't let his callousness divert you from those memories for a second.

Respond to him if he gets in touch but otherwise, don't initiate contact. Every time you do, you'll be hurt. I'm pretty sure your mum would want you to be happy. Reply to him but don't add extra info - he's going to hurt you over and over again. And that's 100% him being an a**hole, not any mistake or misunderstanding on your part. I'm sorry though, because it's utterly horrible.

Talk about moving on, its like he has forgotten his first family. So hurtful. I’m so sorry for your loss OP and your father’s behaviour.
Do you wish to keep this one sided relationship with him? If not i would sneak what you want away. No doubt when he dies his new wife will get everything so you have nothing to lose (disclaimer, i know this isnt about money, you would give up any money just be be seen and loved by him. Its so sad).

Why not start a collection of Christmas stuff in memory of her? Leave df to it - after you have snuck the ashes out... Maintenance of your mh is vital op. More so than bothering with a twunk..

i would take a few decorations everytime u visit, shower hun with attention then slowly take what u want cos i bet he doesn't even know exactly what decorations is there. what a selfish arrogant guy. i would do it even if u feel bad about stealing them cos ur dad sounds like for whatever reason he would bin the lot rather than u and ur bro get them?.
take what u need and then tell him in no uncertain terms what ur mum would
think of him and walk away.
and another thing, why tf would a woman want a decoration on her tree that belongs to her new boyfriends dead wife? what an absolute weirdo. your dad is going to end up a lonely old man with his attitude. walk away from it all.

Sorry for your loss too x
I know it is pretty disgusting what’s going on. And most definitely does effect your grieving process and mental health you just don’t know whether your coming and going and it’s completely shattered any father daughter relationship . Think too much has been done and said tbh .

I know he took a picture of the ornament on her tree and posted it on social media and a picture of them decorating his tree in “mum” and dads house that’s how I found out so asked him directly why he’s done that and never got a response the only response I’ve ever had is no you and your brother aren’t having them I need them I paid for them but mum was the one who went and picked them collected over the years from us being kids and onwards he never bat an eye over mums likes. She took great pride every Christmas hence why she made it clear on her last Christmas that it was to go to me and my brother.
my brother has given up on my dad can’t stand the way he has no time for his child or him . Plus the goings on with his new family.My brother got married in New York last year and not once did dad message him to say good luck or congrats and hasn’t seen my brothers wedding album and not even a card yet wait for it … he proposed to his new girlfriend after 4 months of being together on the eve of my brothers wedding and on the eve of my birthday and yes he completely forgot the next day it was my birthday just lots of nice pictures of his engagement on social media . As for wanting mum it’s simply because I think it’s disrespectful that not one flower is laid out for her and to say to me no your not having her BUT we can just find a rose bush and scatter her on it ??? I’ve told him no mum wouldn’t want to be scattered in the middle of no where on a rose bush then he says ok scatter her on her mums grave?? I mean come on she didn’t request to be scattered . It’s so upsetting .
thankyou to every single one of you that have replied to me , you all have hit the nail on the head and are only saying what I know. Just needed to hear what other people out there would think or do in my situation and that it is not normal . I don’t have many people around me to talk to so that’s why I thought ask others out there and see what they think. he has shown his true colours my mum would be so upset that he’s took for granted his kids and grandkids , she begged in her final weeks for more time with us and to see my little ones start nursery or push them in a pram but him he didn’t even suggest meeting up in the summer for days out just again more pics on social media taking them all out or recently halloween pictures of there night out and couldn’t even ask what the little ones went as for halloween. Honestly I could go on and on he’s done and said so much and with me writing this I’m actually surprised I’ve stuck around for it all but I know why I am it’s because I don’t want mum just been taken and out on bash somewhere for punishment to say well you weren’t there . 🥹

*bush not bash 🫣

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this.

my mum died 27 years ago, my son was 22 months and I was expecting my second. My mum was my best friend, we knew she was going but she was only 59 and it was to soon and it broke my heart. I was there for my dad and for my brothers, for the first few weeks we held each together. Then my dad sort of drifted off, I thought he was becoming stronger but no, he had met someone, I was introduced to her when he came to meet his new grandson the day after he was born, it was the first any of us had heard he was in a relationship, 6 months after supposedly the love of his life died. Everything was about her and her amazing family, didn’t want any of us, we reminded him of mum. They married, we were told the day after, and told at the same time they were moving abroad. The family home had been sold and cleared, I asked about mums stuff and he was just noncommittal. They moved and we FaceTimed occasionally not often. Then my brother called to tell me he had heard dad was ill, and he needed us. We were to late. Stepmom called my brother and told him dad was gone, it was sudden, would contact us about funeral. I called her 2 days later and spoke to her son, dad’s funeral had been that morning. He had made a new will leaving everything to her. Yes we could have contested it, but what for. All our family treasures were gone, and it’s only money. I have wished for the last 11 years that she chokes on it but that doesn’t bring my mum back, or the man I thought was my dad.

if you’ve managed to slog through all that, what I’m trying to say is, let it go, it’s only stuff, your mums still with you and your children you don’t need stuff to change that. If your dad is in a relationship he will want to do something with your mums ashes, speak to him about that if it upsets you. But believe me, it’s just ashes , not your mum. I’m lucky, dad buried mums ashes and I have somewhere to go, but she’s not there. It’s took me a long time to realise I didn’t need her ashes or a grave or her things, she’s still with me I only have to look at my daughter ( a beautiful young lady who mum didn’t live to see and dad only ever met a handful of times)

just one last thing, the best advice given to me when mum died was from a very dear much older than me friend, she said “ loosing your mother is the worst pain, it never goes away, but it fades and you learn to live with it “