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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please?

50 replies

Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 11:38

My partner has never lied to me and until yesterday I trusted him completely.

He was invited to a seminar in March, two weeks at a hotel in a nearby town. I know about the seminar and from the moment he mentioned it, due to him being VERY vague, somethng triggered me and I just dont believe he's going there - it's making me feel sick!

Now as some background he is normally really explanatory as a person, if he goes on a work night out he explains everything, from who first suggested it to every email ever receieved on it.

How do i mention to him that I'm concerned - I dont wish to start an argument?

I've looked up dates for this seminar and cannot see this date and it's never held at this venue either....what can i do??

HELP!

OP posts:
NoNickname · 11/03/2008 12:19

I'd be a bit suspicious too. Why does the seminar need an overnight stay if it's only in the next town?

SheWillBeLoved · 11/03/2008 12:20

Has he definately given you the right hotel?

If he's being vague, ask for the details you want to know. If he has nothing to hide - he'll tell you.

Speaking as though he was going to the hotel for something dodgy, don't hint in any way that something is wrong or worrying you, it's so easy to book a different hotel if he thinks you're on to it.

Confronting him will only send him off for the night in a strop, with even less remorse than intended. Phone the hotel, ask if it's acceptable for his wife to 'suprise' him as you have been working away and haven't seen him for a week - and if they'd tell you his room number upon arrival and then go on up. If he's there of course, then act happy, tell him you thought you'd suprise him as you thought a night in a nice hotel could be fun, and go from there. You'll know for sure either way. If he's alone - brilliant, nice night in a hotel with your DP, if he's with someone - you've outsmarted him, give him a good kick in the bollocks and walk away with your head held high. (Even if you were sneaky about finding out, sometimes you have to be)

Original poster
Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 12:21

All his work friends are going (im told the PA isnt and she's admin and not construction) so they're going to make a night of it. Admittedly, these seminars do go on....he also has work up that way anyway so the next day he'll be in that town for work anyway - if he comes home, he wont get home til 8ish and then he'll have to be up at 6am the next day.....

Ohhh grrr!!

OP posts:
floops · 11/03/2008 12:22

Sorry Lou1982 had replied on the other thread!

I reckon you should say I will join you tell me where it is and I can look up things for me to do etc. Tell him you have already booked the time off.

I wouldn't confront him. You need to find out more without him knowing before you upset the applecart. Especially if you say nothing like this has happened before. It would be horrendous to cause an uproar only to find out he is actually arranging a surprise for you say.

Original poster
Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 12:22

I thought about surprising him but he'll be in a function room from 8am-6.30ish and then he'll be expecting to go out with his colleagues. If i turn up he'll be pissed that i'm stopping him going out - I dont know what to do

OP posts:
clam · 11/03/2008 12:26

He might suggest you called his PA if he were confident that you wouldn't do it. In fact, in normal circs, if he were just on professional but friendly terms, would he really send a snotty text back like that? I wouldn't rule her off the scene, I'm sorry to say. And, as she obviously knows he's in a relationship, why does that mean she wouldn't book your holiday, if he asked her to as part of her job (sort of)? Some women couldn't care less if their BFs are married/whatever. It might suit her. BUT, none of this proves anything. And wondering about it won't make it go away. You need to find out, one way or the other.

floops · 11/03/2008 12:27

As it is only in the next town you definately need to find out where it is and if you can surprise your husband. Wait in the room until he returns say dressed in some new sexy underwear and when he is surprised just say you thought you would give him a treat. Let him know he can go out and that when he returns there is more in store!

poshwellies · 11/03/2008 12:28

I don't think hes covering anything up tbh,sounds like hes just being vague on details-maybe the hotel hasn't been properly booked yet (my dh has done this in the past on seminar details-due to his head being stuck up his arse half the time).Your dh "making a night of it" sounds pretty standard practise when work collegues go away.

As for the PA-she sounds like she was pissed when she texted (new yrs eve!,sounds a bit of a mare-but your dh was open that she had texted-Would he be that open with his phone if there was another woman?

solo · 11/03/2008 12:29

Women and men can be very devious, and some people are happy to have an affair and just that.
I would've said I'd have to follow it up and have done with previous partners and been proved right. The man I'm with now has done some strange things, especially over Christmas and the New Year, and I blew up and asked him, but as much as it caused discomfort between us, it didn't solve anything, he denied there was anyone else. He works over 100 miles away too, so I'd not know anything about it if he chose to see someone else every night of the week. Not to mention that we've had no sexual relationship since July 2006 when I was pregnant - his choice not mine...I do love him though, so part of me doesn't want to know.
Do you really want to know?

SheWillBeLoved · 11/03/2008 12:29

Then phone his phone which would have no reason to be off or unanswered on that night if he was just with work mates. Or phone the hotel and ask if you can be put through to Mr ABC's room as you're his wife and it's important. If they say he's not a guest there, then it's pretty obvious he's given you the wrong hotel name incase you 'suprised' him.

But double check the hotel name, casually ask as though you forgot. Giving him the chance to correct himself if he has genuinely given you the wrong hotel name.

Original poster
Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 12:32

poshwellies

I want to think of that is true really i do and I think i'm going to try and assume it is. I really am not concerned about his PA - even after the text.

About the venue, I'm just going to leave it until nearer the time and see what comes of it - see how he acts when its bought up.

OP posts:
floops · 11/03/2008 12:33

oh god. What a dilemma. I totally understand now why some women live with knowing their husbands are having an affair or choose to not find out the details and carry on as normal. Never used to understand this. It's hard isn't it?

It sounds though that you won't feel settled until you have out ruled anything or found out whats going on. Without risking it affecting your relationship. If you can't find out details I would just make it extremely hard for him to get up to anything.

Original poster
Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 12:34

Thank you all for your help.

Solo, as much as I would love to believe it wasn't true if it is, I deserve better and I will find out. If he's doing anything obscene, then he isnt the man i thought he was and he can just carry on without me....

OP posts:
floops · 11/03/2008 12:35

Can you phone the hotel and say you are phoning to confirm the booking for mr abc on such a night. If they say they have no such name then you know he is not staying. Can you check the names of some of his colleagues as well? When my husband goes away they sometimes double up and share twins (males only of course!).

Original poster
Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 12:35

floops

I will find out before he goes. If on the day before, he maintains he is still going to this hotel, i will make one last call to the hotel and I will simply confront him. At the moment though, my evidence just isnt strong enough - until i know i'm right, i can't justify upsetting our happy life - does that make sense?

OP posts:
floops · 11/03/2008 12:36

Totally!

Original poster
Lou1982 · 11/03/2008 12:36

floops

I havent checked his name at the hotel, simply because I'd hate him to find out i'd been checking. I have checked the function and it's definately not on on that date and time....

OP posts:
floops · 11/03/2008 12:39

I would almost plan a surprise for him so that if it all blows up you are totally innocent. You have an excuse for contacting the hotel even if you just wanted to leave something in his room as he will be away from you for the night. Actually get the present though to make it all authentic etc.

Original poster
Lou1982 · 12/03/2008 09:06

Ok, I have an update.

Partner is as I thought.

Went home yesterday and attempted to bring it up again and he said a completely different hotel.

I have this morning checked the functions of that hotel on that day and it is as I thought.

Soooo to conclude, my partner whom I said was always trustworthy, is in fact STILL trustworthy and I shouldnt have jumped the gun.

I'm a very happy girl!!

OP posts:
poshwellies · 12/03/2008 09:36

Good news Lou

Now quit fretting and enjoy your lovely dh!

Original poster
Lou1982 · 12/03/2008 09:39

I do poshwellies thats why I felt so sick. He just doesnt have it in him to lie....

Yay!

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 12/03/2008 10:29

Hurrah

(don't think he doesn't have it in him to lie, of course he does! He just chooses not to...)

solo · 12/03/2008 12:03

I'm relieved for you. Give men 99% trust, save 1% for youself I say.

solo · 12/03/2008 12:05

If you see what I mean!
1% mistrust, as they are never 100% trustworthy - no one is!

WiiMii · 12/03/2008 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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