Online scammer/catfish...fill a void?

[Iwantthistobemyyear]

I've dabbled with online apps a bit and only ever been put off and left pretty quickly.

Recently I felt a bit lonely in the evenings and wanted to just find someone to chat to. I thought it could be anywhere in the world, I'm just looking for conversations at this point, as I'm a single mum and can't go out.

I clicked on a guy who looked interesting. Said he was in Texas. I used to live in America and he looked like a type of person I would have hung out with over there. Quite ambitious but also an expat kind of vibe.

Anyway after a few days of chatting, it turns out he's a scammer and was telling me he could help me to make money on crypto, like he does. Got angry when I said I'm not interested and to drop the convo.

Anyway, the whole thing has thrown me a bit, but it got me thinking. I think I clicked on him because I'm trying to fill a huge America sized void in my life. It felt quite painful when he turned out to not be real. I can't just fly out there and have that experience again, with a small child. But I was wondering if anyone had any insight as to how I can fill that living in america void. Please don't say things like 'why would you want to live in America it's full of xyz'. It's more about the experience I had and the longing to recreate it.

What was going on in your life at that time? Is it that you miss something intrinsic about the place, or do you get good feelings thinking about it because of what you were doing or who you were with at the time?

Going back might not be what you think because we change as we move on. Things are rarely the same if you go back, because we aren’t the same people as we move forward through life. So simply going there might not be as positive as you think, and could even ruin those good memories if the present experience doesn’t live up to them.

If the attraction is the type of things you were doing then, is there any way to recreate some of them here, instead?

It was just the people they were so warm and open and deep and the connections were so so fulfilling. Even the people I met briefly at bus stops were so engaging to connect with. So many interesting people everywhere with all different stories, coming there from all over the world to try and fulfill that American dream. The warm weather and people not judging anyone for their social status. It was nice to get off the backpackers hostel kind of gap year people energy and connect with people who were trying to settle somewhere, or improve their life circumstances. Every day felt so poetic, I don't know how to explain it. Even the people in the most run down circumstances had this addictive positivity about them.

The stressed out puffa coat mums on the school run who just grunt at you, don't do enough for me, for my daily interactions.

I think the PP is right in thinking about what it is about your life there than you want to bring into the now. I suspect it's not actually being physically present in America that you are looking for (and yes, sorry, I'm American and I got the hell out of there as soon as I could get the legal right to live elsewhere, even though I know that's not what you asked for, it's definitely the ideal you are searching for rather than the reality, but you fill that void in other ways).

Dh and I used to live in Asia before we got married, settled down back in the UK, and had dc. It is a really dreamy, much idealised time in my life. I loved living there. I have been back a few times since and it wasn't quite as wonderful as I remembered, lots of things had changed, etc. What I think I miss though is the freedom and the spontaneity, the food culture, the adventure, but also the selfishness I could have back then without dc or big responsibilities. Now it's not possible to re-create that now, a decade plus later with jobs and a mortgage and small children, but we can do some of it.

We can still travel and we do. I try to take dc travelling every year - not to Asia - cheap trips to Europe do it or weekend breaks in the UK, but we prioritise off the beaten track places, don't do resorts, we try weird foods, we do spontaneous things. Food is really important to me, so I do a lot of cooking of things I loved from our time there and have introduced these to my dc.

And I also make time and space for myself and my own adventures. If you truly have no support with your dc (like a co-parent or helpful family), it may be harder, but I go travelling myself (alone) nearly every year for at least a few days. Again, it's not usually long haul or expensive, and maybe I can't afford it every single year, but I still have those adventures and I still do grown up things, and that makes a real difference. One day when dc are older, I'd like to do more travelling further afield, but it will take planning and saving, but having that to look forward to helps too.

OP, I'm laughing so hard at this, sorry, because as an American, I don't recognise anything in my fellow Americans in your description of what it was like there. 😂

Americans are louder and more talkative, but honestly, it's not because we want to make connections with you, we're just more direct and pushy and nosey. Generally, many Americans are quite run down and exhausted. Life is not easy there. It's expensive. There is a lot of stress about housing costs and health care costs and educational quality (unless you can afford private school, and then the cost of that becomes a stress). Never mind gun culture and politics. I don't think most Americans really buy into this idea of the 'American dream'. People are quite frustrated and disillusioned. Some are quite afraid of what the future holds.

I think what your experience captures is the very surface level interactions you have when you are a tourist or an interesting foreigner in a strange land. In reality, most Americans, like most British people, are just trying to get through the day, feeling not all that optimistic, exhausted from work and the school run, and the lack of childcare and balancing all of it with annual leave and car repairs, and rushing to work, etc. But you probably didn't see that because you weren't living it and your time there was very temporary. Most Americans are struggling as much or more than we are here, though with slightly different things due to the differences in the social and economic landscapes. I can't say I've ever had anyone in my 30 years of living there have a jolly conversation with me at the bus stop (unless the other person was having a mental health crisis or high! and we have a lot of that because no mental health system). People put their headphones on, look at the ground and try to get through the day, same as here.

It sounds like what you are saying you want though is more community and more optimism, and there are ways to find that in networks in the UK.

@mindutopia no I did see all of that, don't you fear. I lived in the area which features in drakes videos for god's plan and nearly all my friends were homeless people at one point. I even lived in shelters for a while and had to eat out of a bin from time to time. I couldn't come home because of family issues and homelessness here. People have a better attitude towards it all there imo though and the homeless community were mostly very welcoming and comforting to me.

Dear girl, I'm sorry for your past experiences and I do see that you want a more fulfilled life. From personal experience I know that moving doesn't always solve your problems, but having a plan does. Might sound a bit boring, but I have had therapy and life coaching (expensive I know, I got it cheap) but there are things you can get from the NHS. What I'm saying is you need to find hope and a sense of adventure whatever you do, maybe travelling (nanny/housekeeping with you child welcomed, my friend did this) studying something you enjoy to further your chances. joining communities with people in similar situations as you. It might sound a bit same old, but believe me the grass always seems greener on the other side and rarely is. Why not apply for a nanny job in the US who will include your child, Americans love UK nannies. All I'm saying is the world is there for you, be brave. And DO NOT go online and talk to dodgy men!! All the best to you x

@Iwantthistobemyyear, I'm an American and my experience is similar to yours. I'm currently sitting in the Orlando airport and I just had a lovely conversation with a complete stranger who is on her way to NYC to visit family there.

In my experience, Americans mostly tend to be very friendly, open and positive.

I think that finding work here as a nanny is a great idea. I think there is a special visa program for them and they make good money.