Supporting a friend’s breakup when you have to bite your tongue??

[OldInvisibleandangry]

How can I continue to support my DF emotionally during in her splitting up with her DH after his affair when she can’t acknowledge her two affairs and awful controlling behaviour is what may have caused her stbxh to stray?

I want to be there and support her through a difficult time but I’m really struggling with her persistent victimhood and weird stalking behaviour. I want to yell at her that her actions had consequences because I’m losing patience with her messages and calls repeating the same victim stories, many of which are changing over time to make her stbxh look more like a monster. She’s now trying to use their DC against him too and that’s so unfair on the innocent DC. I saw how broken her DH was after her first affair and how withdrawn he became after her second and she’s forgetting all that. Nobody comes away looking good in this.

I’m such a mean person for thinking this way and I know I’ll be told I’m not her true friend but I can’t switch off my thoughts on the matter even if I don’t speak them out loud. How do I keep biting my tongue to help her emotionally get over this?

I'm definitely not going to say you're not a true friend. I can see how this is a difficult place to be.
Can you distance yourself a little? How good a friend is she? If she's very close then I'd have no issue in telling her straight that actions have consequences..but you're there for her. If she's not so close, then distancing shouldn't be an issue.

First answer got it in one.

Can you not say to her that from his point of view there may have been contributing factors or something like that? I would be able to say that to my friends in such a circumstance (perhaps with a “just to play devil’s advocate” type comment) - is she just not a very nice or thoughtful person? And do you want to be friends with her if not?

This is a difficult situation and it is ok to distance yourself if you need to.

you can take approach of "this is sad but beat for both of you" but you don't have to coddle her - she's an adult, she can handle it

I don't think I would continue to be friends with someone who has cheated on their husband twice, is abusive through control and uses her children as pawns.

I said the same to my sister when her husband left her for someone else after she cheated twice.

I said he wouldn't have done it if you hadn't cheated on him. Now you have to live with it.

Apparently he drove her to cheat as he was abusive. I say you should have left then. It's so circular.

So we don’t live close together but we have been there for each other for a very long time. The distance does help. Walking away isn’t an option as she doesn’t have many people she can turn to and we’re godparents to each others DC. She was always the fun friend but a bit of a wreck. I hadn’t considered her a nasty or horrible person in general but she doesn’t do well in romantic relationships and looking back maybe my judgement has been clouded by our friendship and history.

I have subtly suggested her behaviours might have also contributed but it’s not really in my nature to be confrontational. I need to be brave but I also see her hurting badly and don’t want to make that worse.

@OldInvisibleandangry
An "I am so sorry for your pain, but ending a marriage is always painful no matter what the circumstances" is a reasonable response. After saying that, just let her know that it is painful for you to hear the particulars, and that you are available to help, but she needs to find someone else to share the details.

Those people who think that they share no responsibility for the break down of their marriage or relationship can be particularly persistent in the need to repeatedly tell details that paint the partner in a negative light. It is as though they need to turn everyone against the partner.

Rarely can they just accept the " I like you both, and I am sorry that you are in pain" approach. You just have to be equally firm in letting them know that you have no need to hear the catalog of the partner's sins and transgressions.