Her relationship has affected ours

[Conniewithabag]

I didn’t grow up close with my sister but we now have a good bond and talk daily. We both have children similar ages who love playing together.
earlier this yet she got a new partner. We gave him a chance despite not hearing very nice things from various people. Quite quickly hes shown the person he is. He quit his job to live rent free at her house and has never contributed financially. He smokes weed all day. She constantly vents to me how unhappy she is and resentful, I listen and offer support. We have never badmouthed him to her as we respect he is her partner and it’s none of our business, although the situation is concerning particularly for the children. I ask her how things are and if he has a job yet, she becomes defensive and has recently began saying horrible things about my DH. At first I accepted it as her being defensive over assuming I’m attacking her partner, but I’ve never expressed my opinion of him to her.
She has called my DH names via WhatsApp with laughing emojis and tries to find his faults to pick at. I have vented about him many times to her. Silly things like forgetting bread or not hoovering properly. He has his faults like anyone but he’s a good person and doesn’t deserve it. She comments on his appearance and that I should find someone else. Again I took it as her projecting and ignored it, but now it’s clear her relationship is causing a wedge as she’s become spiteful.
DH paid for a tow truck to rescue her when her car broke down on the motorway. She paid him back even though he didn’t intend her to, but she never thanked him and her reason was that she paid for it a week later so he didn’t do anything worth thanking. He dropped her to an appointment when she had a fractured ankle, it was a long round trip for him. This is how she repays him.
i find myself not replying to WhatsApp messages for hours and cancelling arrangements because I don’t enjoy her company anymore.
The children miss each other. As cousins we want them to grow up close. But her comments have made it awkward and I’d feel immense guilt to DH as he doesn’t know what she’s said. He’d cut contact with her instantly if he knew.
If I make conversation away from men it always falls back to that topic and she’ll rant about something he’s done or not done that upset her. I’m so fed up with it but I don’t want to offend her by saying how I feel. She’s vulnerable and he’s taking advantage but she won’t ever take my advice.
Do I accept she’s allowed her relationship to come between us and distance myself? WWYD?

How would you feel if your husband vented constantly to his sister about your behaviour. You sound so disloyal. No wonder your sister feels she has been given the green light to rubbish your husband. You have hardly set a good example. Time to stand up and be counted. Make it clear you will not tolerate any negative comments about him.
Imagine how he would feel if she decides to show him all the things you have said about him. To be honest you are trying to minimise your encouragement of her negativity towards your husband. I cannot imagine that your relationship with her will survive. I cannot imagine that your relationship with your husband will survive if he finds out how nasty you are about him behind his back.

Well done. You win the MN prize to be the first to get the boot in. What a truly awful response. 😞

OP, it sounds as though you've done the usual grumbles about silly things to your sister and in some ways that might have given her licence to do it back but I think you can tap it on the head and set a boundary each time she does it. It sounds as though she might be projecting her unhappiness on to you and trying to convince herself that 'all men are like this'

If she says something spiteful you could not reply or a simple rebuttal of 'that's not very nice'. Keep reaffirming your boundaries until she realises you're not going to tolerate spitefulness toward your husband.

You're doing the right thing to not comment on her relationship - that rarely ends well! Hopefully she will eventually see the light for herself.

Just keep repeating "I'm very happy with dh" or similar bland positive comments every time she makes a jibe. Don't bring him up, but just in response if she does.

I actually agree with the first commenter- in hindsight you made a mistake to have those little rants about your dh's hoovering.

You're right to stop taking your kids over there. The bf sounds nasty and I wouldn't want my kids around a man like that

Well, if you continually complain about your DH’s behaviour, and don’t shut her down when she joins in, she presumably thinks she has carte blanche to attack him, and believes herself to be engaging in sisterly bonding.

Shut her down the next time she bad mouths your dh. I certainly wouldn't tolerate anyone talking bad about my dh and they'd be told to button it.

😂 wow I didn’t realise having a moan he missed a step while hoovering would make me so nasty and disloyal. It’s nothing I haven’t said to his face. If I were complaining about serious things, calling him names, planning to leave him for something etc then it would be justified to join in. But casually telling her I’m annoyed about xyz doesn’t give the green light to call him names. My marriage is perfectly fine anyway, the post is about my sisters relationship with a user that has changed her and made her very difficult to like and I don’t know what to do about it.

Why do you worry about offending her when she has absolutely no problem at with offending you? Call her out on it, tell her exactly how you feel and that you miss her but can't continue a relationship with her like this.

I agree with @NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers youve done nothing wrong until now. But its time to choose a side and call her out.

This 100%

Why are you pussyfooting around your awful rude and selfish sister??

Stop being scared of her. She doesn’t hold back with you.

Stop giving her power because you want your children to grow up together. She’s the one that’s holding this over you, because she knows your weaknesses.

As for the weed smoking Cook lodger, tell her straight.

At the moment, she’s dictating who you are. Put a stop to it.

Most MN posters are upset if their husbands confide in family members or friends about their behaviour. There is a great deal of talk about loyalty. The OP has effectively given her sister the green light to disrespect her husband and put him down on the family WhatsApp. As another poster suggested, it is time to choose sides, shut down your sister and make it clear where your loyalty lies.

I haven’t disrespected him 🤦‍♀️ If I was gossiping behind his back or telling her personal things then yes perhaps, but it’s general comments that I know many women make to friends and men make similar about their wives. The usual response is an eye roll and ‘men!’ not ‘he’s such a loser how can you sleep with that, I’d have divorced him years ago if my husband forgot to put a wash on’.
I’ve never once badmouthed her awful partner which would be completely justified, but there is nothing my DH has done to deserve being spoken about.
I know I should tell her to stop but stupidly I’m a people pleaser and keep quiet for the sake of the children. We are each others only family as our parents passed so I guess I take a lot of crap.
I am leaving it in her hands by only responding to comments that aren’t about my DH, such as the children, work, Christmas etc. She was ranting to me this morning about her partner sleeping in and not helping around the house before she left for work, I told her she needs to make him get a job or kick him out. I’ve been left on read. It’s the first comment I’ve made about him and clearly she doesn’t like it.

I'd call her out on her behaviour and say something similar to your op. If she gets the hump and stops contacting you, then so be it.

I often find that people who are nasty won't tolerate the same being said to them. She needs to understand that she's being nasty and that your dh has helped her out on more than one occasion.

There is a big difference between having a moan about our partners and a complete cocklodger that your sister has in her life.

Honestly I'd just tell her how you feel, sounds like you have nothing to lose. Tell her you'd help her get him out of her life, that her life would be more peaceful without him in it.

Just call her out.

"wow, that was spiteful"

"Why are you criticising my lovely DH who has done loads for you when you are living with an unemployed druggie who is making a fool out of you?"

"If you haven't got anything nice to say then best we don't speak today. Call me when you're in a better mood".

If anyone criticised my dh like you've allowed your sister to do to yours, I'd have told them exactly what I thought of them and ended the conversation there
Regardless of whether you've said anything particularly bad or not, you've allowed your sister to and that makes you incredibly disloyal to your husband.

Talk to her, OP. Wouldn't it be better to have a conversation with her about how you're finding her comments hurtful rather than cut ties? Don't mention her partner at all in the conversation. Focus entirely on her relationship with your DH and how you're feeling stuck in the middle.

Completely understand you venting to her about small things about your DH, thats normal and understandable. but the minute she turned on him and started badmouthing him and you stayed silent, you were complicit in her criticisms and she may even feel justified becaise she takes your silence as agreement. In all honour, you need to find a backbone and speak up, not just avoid calls and not face up to this situation. #1, you have to set her right. Your DH is a good man, yes he has faults but he is a thousand times better than the cocklodger she's saddled with. And #2, you need to stop enabling her bad life choices by going along with them and her bad behaviour. Dont let her dump all the unhappiness on you and then go back home to just shore up more of the same. Maybe its time to hold up a mirror to her and show her just how much her life has deteriorated.

It’s really sad to read that the cousins miss each other. That is not ok. Your failure to maintain an amicable relationship with your sister should not be allowed to poison the rest of the family relationships. I’m also a bit surprised you don’t seem more concerned for the welfare of your nieces/nephews, if a layabout druggie has moved into the role of their stepdad, they’re to need you and your DH to provide decent role models...

As to you and your sister, don’t avoid / ghost her that is so weak. Whenever she insults your DH just say ‘I’ve decided to try to be more positive about things and not moan so much about life, seems like we spend way too much time talking about the men.’ Then change the subject. Eg . ‘Seen any good tv lately?’

I wouldn't want my kids mixing with kids whose home life is as you've described at your sister's house. Deadbeat man loafing around all day, high as a kite, with a spineless mum letting it all happen? Nah.

I guess we’ve very different people then @RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance . If my nieces had a ‘spineless’ mum and a ‘deadbeat’ man in charge of them, I’d be doing everything I could to help my nieces spend time elsewhere with nicer people.

Because I’m not a shit aunt.

It sounds to me like she is inviting you to bitch about your OH, putting him in a less favourable light.
She can then feel not so bad about her situation and/or start moaning about the problems she has.

Not on at all, but I think this could be her motive
I'd do less WhatsApp altogether with her, and arrange meet ups on neutral ground in a coffee shop or similar.
Then if she starts bad mouthing your DH you can say something like "look, I know I have the odd moan or comment about something trivial that DH did or didn't do, but they are all things I have or would say to his face. It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about him like this. I'm not sure why you have started doing it."

It might not go down well, but the current situation isn't going to change unless you do something or distance yourself.

She might need you to be direct and then ask her if she is really okay, as she does not seem herself.

I disagree with everyone trying to tell you to talk and resolve. There is no resolving this.

My sister is the exact same as this:

If I make conversation away from men it always falls back to that topic and she’ll rant about something he’s done or not done that upset her. I’m so fed up with it but I don’t want to offend her by saying how I feel.

I don't care about offending her anymore. I am sick and I am tired of it. She never asks how I am and all she talks about is herself and men. She started slagging off my boyfriend and it's just jealousy.

I'd tell her you're sorry for what she's going through but you can no longer support her with this relationship issue. You feel every time you see her it is just update 15000 on what he's done next. Say you're happy to facilitate relationships between the children but any talk of he bf is out of bounds. Say that also goes for bad mouthing your husband and never to do it again.

Tell her straight don't do it again and I'm not listening anymore. Ignore texts and only respond about those for children to meet up. Make it clear you still wish to have a relationship with your nieces and see them.

My sister has lost most of her friends with this.

“That’s funny… You told me you’d leave him if he didn’t put a wash on, yet he does fuck all around the house. You have a lot to say about my DH and you need to look closer to home before you criticize again please.”

I'd put my own kids first in that situation. Family doesn't mean letting other people treat you like shit.

You may not think of yourself as a shit aunt, but it was a bit shitty of you to single my comment out like that.

Completely agree with this. Your loyalty is to your husband first. I'd be gutted if my husband didn't stick up for me if someone badmouthed me like that. I'd feel particularly stupid if I'd been paying for things and helping that person too. Don't let him be made a fool of.

Either she'll stop or she'll throw a fit. Either way, you'll have done the right thing.