How do I move on?

[Lost03]

A few months ago I left what I think was a toxic relationship. We got together when I was young (early 20s) and things moved very fast (we moved in together after 3 months). I think I always knew things weren’t right, but I had some difficult experiences during my childhood and I wasn’t sure what was ‘normal’ and what wasn’t.

I can’t quite put my finger on what was wrong, but I always felt like he saw me as less than him. I did everything for him (cooking, laundry etc). He seemed largely emotionally disinterested in me, for example he would rarely ask how my day had been and if I was stressed or upset he would ignore me (but he also didn’t like me getting help from anyone else or going to counselling/talking to my GP). When we had sex he couldn't look at me and I would end up with tears. I know that he could sometimes tell I wasn’t into it, but he’d get frustrated and I’d agree because I felt guilty. I also suspect he made things up about mutual friends and I would believe him and stop talking to them for him. But I don’t know for sure he made these things up .

The reason I left was because he started getting drunk and would shout for hours about how I needed to show him more respect. I started to realise I was scared to do things because I knew he’d bring them up later as things I’d done ‘wrong’. I tried to talk to him about things he'd done which had hurt me but he would just deny they had happened (I know they did because I remember, and he would also later argue over specific details).

But the thing is, part of me is still struggling with feeling like I’ve misinterpreted the whole thing. He would say I am oversensitive, that I never actively made plans with him and that I rarely made the first move with sex. I would say I was tired and overwhelmed and that sex was painful, but I know they are not excuses for not trying. I’m finding it hard to move on because part of me wonders if this was ‘normal’ and I have taken things too seriously.

How do I work out what was him and what was me? And how do I let this go and move on?

Sex being painful is not an excuse - it's a excellent reason not to be keen on sex. A good man would want to make it enjoyable and wouldn't be OK with it hurting you.

It sounds like an emotionally abusive and sexually coercive relationship, and it often takes a lot of working through because it leaves you with misplaced guilt and possibly a trauma-bond.

Let me just say - it wasn't you, it was him.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

The thing is, there was always some reason things were my fault, and whilst part of me can see that what was happening maybe wasn't okay, I also can see that I can be quite introverted and not very confident and that that could be annoying for him. I've been thinking about going back because I'm worried I've left something that could have worked if I was more relaxed/outgoing/confident. But it would also mean giving up on my career, and I know the anxiety was making me unwell.

I know this sounds very contradictory. I don't know how I can miss him when I also know it wasn't the best situation. To be honest I was just grateful he wanted to be with me.

I was in a toxic relationship which sounds like yours.

I went to a well qualified and experienced therapist. My first words were “I’m very unhappy, but I don’t know if it’s me or him” At the end of an hour she said ‘it’s definitely him’.

I’ve learned a lot since then. Most importantly that people like my ex would say anything to ‘win’ the argument. They will lie to your face to win. They will deliberately not understand you to win. They will say you are too sensitive.

Its all aimed at shutting you up and letting them do anything they want, anytime they want. You will ever be enough for him, because he thinks he is better than you, and probably everybody else.

So I repeat the previous poster. It wasn’t you, it was him.

Stay away from him he’s toxic.

You sound lovely and clearly he is not.
Do not question yourself. You are what you are and clearly he is incompatible with you.

Just leave it. Get out and away from him. No good will come of it and you’ll be wasting your life. Don’t give up anything for him. Look after yourself.

@Isheabastard Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you have experienced this too. Your post has given me a lot to think about, especially the thing about doing anything to 'win'. I've never put it all together in that way before. I hope you are okay now.

Thank you @MrsFawkes I think he always had the final say on how things were so I'm finding it hard to stay with how I experienced things and not how he would frame them, if that makes sense? Im trying to accept that us having different personalities doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me but it's hard. I appreciate your kind words.

With someone like that there is nothing you could have done to make things work, it's a setup for failure. They lack empathy and can't form meaningful connections so instead they make you feel like shit and wear you down, then make you feel to blame. A decent guy who cares about you and is understanding wouldn't do that.

When it comes to sex, a decent guy would go at your pace when you are comfortable to do so and if it's hurting, adapt so you are comfortable or stop and not expect you to continue regardless. I know I can feel and tell when it's not right and I would assume he probably did too but he's selfish.

It's not you, it's him and you are best off keeping clear. There are better guys out there.

I am having therapy at the moment as I go through the separation of a 20 odd year relationship. In my last session I went through all the many reasons I am feeling guilty and/or ashamed of having initiated the split - the impact on the children, did I try hard enough, it wasn't that bad, what will others think etc. My therapist listened and at the end asked me if the relationship was making me happy.

It wasn't making me happy. Your relationship wasn't making you happy. A relationship isn't a prison, it's a choice. You exercise a choice to be in a relationship every day, at any point you are free to exercise your choice to be out of it. It doesn't matter who is objectively right or whose fault it is, if it doesn't nourish you, help you grow and make you happy you are free to leave. If your decision feels right for you, make peace with it. It's entirely your choice.