Should I move back home

[Pheasantsmate]

I joined mumsnet years ago but kids never happened for me. My last long relationship broke down because he wanted children, and it wasn’t go to happen with me.
I moved away from the area where I grew up when that relationship ended to kind of start afresh, a little small holding which I couldn’t have afforded in my home area.
my brother and his family are still down there and live close to my mum. Mum is getting on a bit now and is starting to struggle. I think more with loneliness since my father passed. There has been my brother thinks I should move back to keep her company, his view is she has always been very supportive of us and now it’s our turn to help her. He is unable to have her move in with them as they have children.
My view is that the suggestion for her to move in (or someone live with her) has come from my brother, so he should step up; me moving in would mean I need to sell my smallholding and move 400 miles away from
my life; and also whilst we have always got on well I haven’t had any support from my mother since I left home- the support was particularly around my brothers kids- she looked after them 2 days a week- which is great, but I don’t think it’s up to me necessarily to pay back.
years ago my mother and I spoke about inheritance (horrible topic) and I said I was set and had no dependents so I thought it would be more sensible to leave as she wished to my brother and his children. I feel slightly that some of the care that she needs could be paid for, but my brother is now trying to protect this money.
it wouldn’t be such a big deal but every time I speak with my brother now he is being up me moving back and it is really starting to sour things. I also enjoy my relationship with his kids and whenever I speak with them he wants a word with me to bring it up- so I find I am calling them less now too.
I am heading back for a visit at Christmas and am dreading it. Am I an awful daughter- should I be preparing to move back home?

Well, he can't make you. It's his idea, so he should take care of it himself and not keep badgering you. Next time he mentions it, be firm and say you won't be doing it, and to stop raising the subject. You've got a full life, but if you do decide to give that up to live with your mother, you'll be the one, & only one, to make that call.

Brother is being unreasonable. You have a small holding and a life already. He needs to rearrange his attitude and step up

No you shouldn’t move. You have made a life. Offer to help with things you can eg sorting a grocery order etc but don’t give up the life you’ve made.
Let him step up as it’s his suggestion.

You need to clearly state that you will not be relocating. If you do not make it very clear, the nagging will continue.
If any comments are made during your visit, point out that you are more than happy for your share of any inheritance to be spent on support for your DM.

God no, don’t do it! My aged mother lives 5 hours away and no way on earth would I move back to look after her. I moved away aged 18, now in my 50s and I just refuse to leave my life to do this, plus my DH would absolutely not move there. Tell your brother her money is hers, it should used to support her, not safeguarded for his bloody inheritance! 🤬

Well as he lives nearby he can make more effort to check in on her whilst she has independence still.
Being a full time carer as you will end up being is HARD and incredibly isolating. It’s not a decision to be made lightly. No one seems to care for carers and you’ll have nobody around you for support. Between him and paid help I don’t see why you need to uproot your life. You need to be upfront with him about it. The longer you avoid the topic the more he may think you’ll change your mind.

Your brother wants his cake and he wants to eat it.

Him and his wife should be looking after your DM. Let them to some work to earn the entire inheritance.

Dont be bullied and definitely don’t sell up and move 💐

Don’t do it. Just don’t.

WHY is it always the daughters who end up caring for their elders? I’m trapped like this because my brothers have relinquished all responsibility and ignore our mum.

See how it goes but frankly if it’s brought up over Christmas just change the subject or leave the room. Besides that, what would you do with your livestock if you have any?

No way should you be expected to give up your lifestyle so he can reap the benefit. Sod that for a lark Bro!!

Please do not give up your life.
Having children is not a good reason why she can't live with him.
You may be right about him protecting his inheritance.
At (or preferably before) Christmas, have a conversation or write a letter if you think he will be a broken record, saying as you have absolutely no plans/are sadly unable to move from where you are now which is your home and your (presumably) income, what other options has he considered for caring for mum - list some e.g domestic helper, eventual care home, contributing to the purchase of a larger house so she can live with his family. His consideration or objection to any of these will tell you more or pave a possible way forward. Can you offer to take your mum to your house for periods?

You are not an awful daughter and your brother is not entitled to dictate how you should live your life. Of course it is in his best interests for you to sacrifice your own wants and needs to serve his - but he does not get to make this choice.

Visit at Christmas and enjoy yourself. When your brother brings the topic up, dispassionately disengage ('not discussing that, thank you') rather than dignify his position by arguing against him. It will be tiresome batting him off but shouldn't be particularly painful - unless you allow it to be.

Of course you will feel guilty. I like Dr. Gabor Maté on this. He writes: "For many people, guilt is a signal that they have chosen to do something for themselves". He also says that when choice is necessary we would be better to choose guilt over resentment as "resentment is soul suicide".

Thanks everyone. I think the consensus is that I am right. It doesn’t really make things easier though.
Yes, I do have animals here, but my brother takes the view that mum is more important. Obviously she is on an emotional level, but I also sell some from time to time which gives me a top up income and I think it would be very difficult to start again if I were to sell up now.

Mum does come and stay with me occasionally, but as she’s getting older she doesn’t enjoy staying with me quite so much. It is quite remote and she worries a bit about if something were to happen. And where I think she used to look at staying with me as a bit of a fun adventure she prefers home comforts a bit more.

i don’t have kids so have always doted on my brothers, now it feels like distance is growing between me and his family because him and my sister in law aren’t too happy with my decision. I suppose I just want to have my cake and eat it.

I think I’ll do as suggested and get my mum set up with some groceries on a regular basis and maybe see if she’ll let me get her a cleaner to come in. It’s not much I know, but maybe if DB sees me offering some practical help he’ll calm down a bit

Do you think if you were a man running a small holding and living your life that far from your dm and db he would be putting pressure on you to return, give up what you've earned and built, leave the life you've chosen behind and became a carer so his inheritance isn't used to pay for care? I doubt he'd have even mentioned it to you. Make it clear that you are not changing your life, you chose to move, he chose to stay, your dm will have to pay for care if db and sil are not willing to provide it and if that means no inheritance so be it. Please stick to living your life for you, do not be sucked in to a caring role you don't want.

Your brother and his wife are both CFs and he is seeing pound signs. Do not set yourself on fire in order to keep others like this warm.

You do not owe your parent any caring responsibility even though you are your mother's now adult child.

It sounds really difficult that it is affecting the relationship with his kids. He sounds like he’s prepared to use a lot of tactics to get his way.

"Yes I do have animals here, but my brother takes the view that mum is more important."

It is about far more than animals though, isn't it? It is about you. He doesn't give a stuff about everything you would have to give up. He wants you to sacrifice everything you have (including your freedom) and move hundreds of miles in order to look after your DM. That would let him off the hook nicely.

Just because you are female and single, he is expecting you to jack your life in and be a full-time live-in unpaid carer, possibly for decades, meaning he wouldn't have to lift a finger.

He's got a damn cheek if you ask me.

@quivers sorry, the comment about the animals was in response to a previous poster who asked if I had livestock. I just wanted to clarify that I do, so I only travel back for 4 days at a time max as I have a neighbour that I have a reciprocal care arrangement with but I don’t want to take advantage and leave them with anymore care. I am grateful for this in a way, because I think I I just had a property I could lock up and go I would end up being dragged back by stealth.

the kids are the key part though, we used to be very close, I’d see them every month when I went back. I haven’t seen them on the last 2 occasions as I have been told that they are busy, so it’s coming upto 3 months now and to just leave presents with my mum and they will get them. Each time the kids now phone me I get my brother or sis-in-law coming on the phone after less that 5 minutes to update me about things at home (which as I speak to my mum every day) is just code for telling me to come back. I really regret the way this is affecting the relationship with the children- I think I just need to be consistent and hope things blow through a bit.

All of this - particularly

He doesn't give a stuff about everything you would have to give up. He wants you to sacrifice everything you have (including your freedom) and move hundreds of miles in order to look after your DM. That would let him off the hook nicely.

And of course you sacrificing yourself (which you would be) nicely gets him out of the loop and preserves "his" inheritance for him.

Perhaps do some online research about good care homes near your brother's home so you have that information when he next tries to pressurise you to give up your current life to relieve him of taking any responsibility for your/his mother. 🌹

My SIL sounds similar to you, she lives on a "small holding" too. Well she says she does, she actually is a WFH marketing manager and earns 70k a year, but has a load of pet animals that she has accumulated over the years. She has never missed a meal out or a jolly, and manages to make it to London every month for work check ins, but you ask her for any practical help for her own parents and there always an excuse.

It makes me so angry, my husband works full time to support our family, I have our three kids to take care of as well as my own elderly parents, and am expected to run around after hers as well. She also takes the attitude that (my lovely)MIL supported me with my kids and now its up to me to pay it back. When she moved away it was so apparent that sooner or later her parents would need help, so I don't think the "I built a life" excuse works to be honest. We saw this coming a mile away.

I don't think your brother is out of line telling you what support his mum needs, and quite frankly the kids are his, you have no right to them, but I doubt he is using them to punish you. More is probably just a bit pissed off with you coming down for the fun stuff and none of the responisbilty.

There is a lot of pressure on women to do these caring roles. My own MIL requires a huge level of care and my SIL1 who lives abroad put massive amounts of pressure on another SIL2 to provide that care for her. DH is involved but it is SIL2 who does the majority of care because she lives with her. There is significant outside care involved too.

I think people have to be mindful of their own time and energy and lifestyle in considering whether they take on these caring responsibilities but often the expectations mean that people, particularly women, feel pressured into doing it. There is no way I would have taken MIL in, her needs are way beyond what we could have managed, and I thought it was incredibly domineering and controlling of SIL1 to pressurise SIL2 into doing it. Just mind yourself @Pheasantsmate there is cultural pressure and explicit pressure from your brother. Your brother is trying to make it uncomfortable for you to say no but it will likely be extremely exhausting and demanding if you say yes. Learn to deal with the discomfort of your brother’s asking I suggest.

I can’t imagine why your SIL chooses to live far away from you…

@caughtthegingerbreadman It makes me so angry, my husband works full time to support our family, I have our three kids to take care of as well as my own elderly parents, and am expected to run around after hers as well. She also takes the attitude that (my lovely)MIL supported me with my kids and now its up to me to pay it back. When she moved away it was so apparent that sooner or later her parents would need help, so I don't think the "I built a life" excuse works to be honest. We saw this coming a mile away.

So your husband works full time to support your family, but presumably your SIL does as well if she earns so much money? I think your projecting quite a lot of your own unhappiness and possibly guilt onto the OP here.

I also think the OP is right to be upset about the loss of contact with her brothers kids, she sounds like a generous and engaged aunt. It is difficult to turn emotions off.

@Pheasantsmate I think you should look for care options for your mum, but also speak with her about power of attorney. It sounds like you have no financial incentive here whereas your brother does, so you might be in a position to make decisions that are more appropriate for her.

Crikey, your brother is a selfish, sexist little shite, isn't he?

No, OP, don't do it. You deserve to live your life.

He owes your mum far more. He should be stepping up to support her, not expecting you to give up everything to become her carer.

Just say "no, brother, this won't be happening - I'm happy to help with x and y, but I won't be giving up my home to become mum's carer".

@caughtthegingerbreadman

You said "I don't think your brother is out of line telling you what support his mum needs, and quite frankly the kids are his, you have no right to them, but I doubt he is using them to punish you. More is probably just a bit pissed off with you coming down for the fun stuff and none of the responisbilty."

I am sympathetic to your own situation, but it's causing you to see things as it pertains to you, not as OP has described her issues. @Pheasantsmate 's behavior hasn't earned your bitterness. I'm sorry that you are so unhappy, but using your SIL as a measuring stick for the OP is not fair to her. Nothing she has said sounds like your SIL other than that she has a (real) small holding and you are also a brother's wife.

I don't think it's fair to say that she's only there for the fun stuff. She visits every month and talks to her mother every day. Does your SIL also have a close relationship with her mother?

Please try to see things with a more neutral view.

thanks for some of the practical suggestions. I will look into power of attorney and speak with mum about this. Things like additional care has been suggested but my brother thinks it is a waste of money when “we” can do it ourselves. Perhaps if I cut him out of the discussion there and mum and I just book the support that she needs things may improve. She isn’t needing care yet- but things like a cleaner, shopping deliveries and taxis would make things better for her. DB things taxis for example are wasteful, but I think I could probably get an account for mum with a local firm?