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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm I doing the right thing?

23 replies

Rubymay13 · 09/11/2023 11:35

Really don't know what to do anymore. Been with him for 8 years and 3 children together. I moved to his home town after a year with him about 2 hours away from where I come from. It was all ok in the start I was happy with him but then when we started arguing over silly things he would call me names that I was a fat cunt and lazy and then give me the silent treatment for weeks and this has been going on for years now.

We argued about 4 weeks ago and he's been sleeping on the sofa ever since not talking to me. It was my birthday last week and didn't even get a card or a happy birthday from him and that's when I decided I can't do this anymore so have started to sort things out. Moving back to my home town where I got my family as I have no one here only him. Me and kids would be moving back with my mum till I get a house sorted for us and have even got a school for the kids there.

The kids have told him where moving and he was ok with it apparently. Have started taking pictures off the walls and then last night he texted me saying what's going on? Saying that if I'm going he can't change my mind and that he will want to see the kids. My heads all over the place I still love him but if I stay I know it will go back to the same thing again. We would have to arrange how he would see them as where 2 hours away and he doesn't drive and I do. Please tell me what to do?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 09/11/2023 11:48

Carry on back to your Mums with the kids, he can travel to see them - remember how he's treated you and don't waver in your decision to leave

Justcallmebebes · 09/11/2023 11:54

Stay focused and concentrate on getting back to your mum.

I assume he can catch a train or bus to see his kids. If he wantscto see them, he'll find a way. You deserve far more than being treated this way. Even the fact he texted you to find out what you're up to. Still can't bring himself to talk to you? Pathetic

HopeFloatsAbove · 09/11/2023 11:57

I went back to my mum and dads when I was in a similar situation and its the best thing I ever did. Like you I still loved my ex, tried so hard to adjust to ex behavior but in the end realised that it was pointless. My kids thrived although it was hard at times. You will be alright too. He chose consciously to treat you badly, will revert to being nice when he sees you leaving, so do not fall for that, and should you choose to stay or go back to him because he is so nice his actions are all for selfish reasons, mostly the catering you do for him, the washing, cleaning, and dinner making. He will realise that all that is about to go so will be super loving, basically love bomb you, this is where you need to be strong.

Original poster

Rubymay13 · 09/11/2023 13:14

Thank you for the replies. Do u think it's abuse the calling me names making me feel small and the silent treatment? I think he's had a shock that I'm going that he came home from work last night and seen that I have started packing our things.

It's like having a man child in the house sometimes with his moods and feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him. He works full time and is never home with us even works on the weekend when he doesn't have to and when he does come home he goes straight to the shed to smoke weed.

My 6 year old seen I was crying the other night and said to me why are u crying over dad when he's always mean to u and that says a lot don't it. I'm so heartbroken I feel like I'm breaking the family apart and it's all my fault

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 09/11/2023 17:45

@Rubymay13

If you are ever tempted, or feeling guilty about leaving this man - and I'm sure there will be times - remember what your very young child has said to you, hold your nerve and stay away from him. Build yourself a better future without him in your life. 🌹

MrsFawkes · 09/11/2023 17:53

A solicitor once told me that if a spouse doesn’t speak to their wife or husband as yours does not speak to you, it’s called “unreasonable behaviour” and you can divorce for that.

Calling you names is the lowest of the low. Ignorant behaviour by a pig of an unintelligent man. Get yourself outa there. Soon.

Dery · 09/11/2023 18:23

There are ways of abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them or even shouting at them. What you describe is abuse. Your children see it. It’s so good that you’re showing them you won’t tolerate it. Such good role modelling on your part.

Catoo · 09/11/2023 19:09

Go go OP. Sooner rather than later don’t drag it out. Advice is go when he’s out because he could physically try and stop you or the kids leaving. Possibly even apply to the courts to stop you going if you take too long?
A happier future awaits.
Imagine calling the mother of your DC a cunt. And silent treatment. What a piece of work.
Good luck 💐

EmmaDilemma5 · 09/11/2023 19:19

He didn't acknowledge your birthday? That's cruel.

If you don't step off this self destructive merry go round, he'll continue until you're a shell of yourself and your kids will hate being home on that environment.

Leave. It absolutely is the best decision for you and the kids.

Original poster

Rubymay13 · 10/11/2023 11:18

Thank you everyone for the reply. Your making my decision a lot easier it's not right the way he's treated me for the last 7 years.

He's saying now that he would want to see the kids every weekend that he would come and get them and I would have to come and collect them. I said what about every other weekend but no that's not good enough in his words if I want them back I will have to come and get them every Sunday 2 hour drive

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/11/2023 11:33

He's not going to want them every weekend, OP. This is all talk.

Hbosh · 10/11/2023 14:11

As soon as possible, you might want to get some legal/financial advice.
It's unreasonable for him to want the kids every weekend. That would mean you only get your kids on school days. Never a full day with them to do anything fun outside school. This is not a reasonable request for a custody agreement.

Stay on course and don't let him scare you into coming back.

Blanca87 · 10/11/2023 14:16

He doesn’t spend the weekend with the kids when he’s living with them… he is talking out his hole trying to manipulate you. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Original poster

Rubymay13 · 10/11/2023 19:24

That's what's funny about it he's never home with us works all week and straight to the shed to smoke weed and works on the Saturday as well.
Told the kids that he wants to see them every weekend the 6year old not happy at all. My car not good enough to travel 2 hours every Sunday. He said that he would get someone to take him to get them and the only person I could think of that would is his brother and he smokes weed as well. Don't want my kids in a car with a drug driver.

OP posts:

Catoo · 11/11/2023 07:47

Don’t give any more headspace to how he will get to see the kids once you have moved. He won’t do every weekend anyway especially if he works Saturdays. But why argue with him about it now? Just nod along until you’re out of there. Then he’ll have to work out how to get buses or get himself a car.

Don’t let the children hear any more of this unsettling bickering.

It feels like you are dragging this out looking for excuses not to go? Do you think he will change once he sees you all packed?

He’ll start to think this is dramatic attention seeking nonsense if you keep delaying. Or it just gives him time to get the courts to block the move. Play it a bit cleverer if you are serious about leaving.

jeaux90 · 11/11/2023 08:16

Yes you are doing the right thing, go where you are lived and remove you and the DC from an abusive and dysfunctional relationship.

He won't want the kids every weekend it bullshit to try and reel you back in. Ignore him.

Move out. Enjoy the peace.

bluejelly · 11/11/2023 08:21

jeaux90 · 11/11/2023 08:16

Yes you are doing the right thing, go where you are lived and remove you and the DC from an abusive and dysfunctional relationship.

He won't want the kids every weekend it bullshit to try and reel you back in. Ignore him.

Move out. Enjoy the peace.

100% this. Good luck OP, you and the children deserve so much better 💪

Snorkello · 11/11/2023 08:41

Agree with pp. it’s bs that he’s going to have the kids every weekend. Get all your important paperwork out the house and copies of his bank statements etc.

camp out at your mums and get a divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and full custody.

Your kids are clearly aware he’s abusive too. good riddance.

Original poster

Rubymay13 · 11/11/2023 09:01

We are not married thank god the only thing we have really is a joint tenancy will have to sort that out and take me name off it. Will have to sort the bills out as it was me that was paying all the bills.

We are moving have sorted the kids new school out and there starting at the end of the month. It's my sons birthday in 2 weeks and he wants to be in school with his friends on that day but don't know if I can stay for another 2 weeks.

Scary moving back to my mums but I know it's for the best for me and the kids.

OP posts:

Slav80 · 11/11/2023 09:13

Rubymay13 · 10/11/2023 11:18

Thank you everyone for the reply. Your making my decision a lot easier it's not right the way he's treated me for the last 7 years.

If you were unsure up to this point, don't be, he sounds cruel and manipulative, you will be better off without this crap. As the others have said, it's unlikely for him to follow what he's saying about seeing the kids every weekend, it's just manipulative talk. Separate from him and give it some time to see which way things will go, but chances are he'll show you his true colours more and more.

Original poster

Rubymay13 · 13/11/2023 10:20

Me and the kids are moving next week. Sorted everything out it's just the last week of being in the same house as him it's a bit awkward. He's been crying to the kids this weekend saying that he doesn't want them to go and he's loosing his family and told them he feels like the kids don't care that there moving away from him. My eldest son was crying to me about what he said to them

OP posts:

Swimeveryday · 13/11/2023 10:32

Do not let the kids get in the car with him or anyone if you think they have been taking drugs. Good luck. You have done the right thing for your kids.

NotLactoseFree · 13/11/2023 10:42

OP, you are doing the right thing and yes, this is abusive behaviour. And this emotional manipulation of the DC is also abusive, to them.

You need to be factual in an age appropriate way. Tell the children that of course they still love daddy but that you and him cannot live together. They have seen how mean he is to you so they know that he's not nice. Remind them that Daddy can come and visit them etc.

As for every weekend - hahahahahaha. Get a solicitor involved as soon as you can. In the meantime, I'm sad to say that I predict the bigger issue is going to be that he simply won't turn up to see them and they will be confused and sad.

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