How do I end marriage if he's mentally struggling

[Amanda99097666677]

My long marriage is unhappy now, I can't remember the last time we laughed together. It's been a long term decline.

He's very depressed, it's gotten worse over the last year. But I'm now feeling almost indifferent to it, I know that sounds awful. But I feel like I'm almost under pressure to be the fixer of everything all the time.

Living together we barely speak. I've given up really. He hardly answers or snaps at me.

Outside home I'm bubbly and cheerful and very positive person.

I feel like this relationship has run it's course but how on Earth do you leave someone who's mental health is on the floor. I want him to be well, he's my children's father and we've been together 20 years but I don't think I can fix this and it scares me how many years have gone by with me feeling lovely in my marriage.

I know I sound cruel, honestly I'm not but this depression has been an issue for a long time and I don't feel like he's very proactive in helping himself really. And I'm tired :(

I think I would approach this with an actual plan before commencing the emotional bit of break up.

What are your finances like - would you need to sell the house, could you afford for one of you to move out? Are there young children to consider? Do you have details of pensions, bank accounts etc that would be needed for divorce?

What support do both of you have - friends, family, people nearby.

Have a vision of where you'd want to get to in a year or two's time. What divorce would look like.

Then explain to him that you don't think the marriage is serving either of you very well and you want to break up. With a plan for what actually takes place to make that happen and the dates by which it will happen. You will need to push for any of it to take place, by the sound of it.

You also need to consider whether you'd change your mind about breaking up if he said he'd sort it out and get treatment.

If he’s not trying to help his MH he needs to go. You’re not his psychiatrist.
Decide what you want and tell him, don’t let him change your mind.

I just feel like I can't leave when he's so low and it might push him over the edge. He's a nice man but I just think we've grown too far apart.

He's said he thinks part of why he feels so bad is he feels like I don't love him anymore, I didn't feel like I could answer that either way as I'm just not sure.

But he’s still not willing to sort out his MH ? Don’t let him blame it on you, which is what he’s trying to do.
Maybe seek some counselling on your own to try and work out what you do want.

Sounds like he's right though doesn't it.

His depression will be there and get worse if he feels you have checked out.

You have to be honest, tell him how you feel, what you want to happen and why.
You want this marriage to end and you can't do that without giving him a reason.

What are your reasons, you say it's because of his depression, but he says his depression is because you don't love him, it's understandable he's depressed.

It's very sad for him but if you've fallen out of love then that has to be said, uncomfortable conversations and guilt, it's going to be very hard.

I hope he's ok.

What came first, his MH decline/not speaking to you/snapping, or you feeling that the relationship is over ?
And if he’s not going to do anything about it, how is he going to fix his side of the problem ? He’s putting the blame on you.

I think he's right, I think I've lost interest a long time ago but don't want to split my family, for the kids and for the long history we have.

It all feels really surreal like it's happening to someone else.

If you don’t want to split the family you can agree to live as housemates. Or you can decide that you want to be open to love and sex, and end it. No need to fall out, just try a separation.

His mental health can't keep holding you hostage.
His mental health is his problem, and although it's sad for him, it's up to him to fix it. You can't keep putting off your future because you're afraid he might take a toll for the worse. Even if that happens, however sad it would be, it's not your fault and not your responsibility.

I agree with @Hbosh

You are not responsible for him and not his mum. You have to move on with your life if you are unhappy otherwise you will spend the rest of your life being a carer for a man you no longer love.
Leaving will probably encourage him to sort himself out, if you stay what reason does he have to change?

I understand this as my ex was a bluddy nightmare with his depression. The relationship became unbalanced and he blamed me for adding to his problems. He wanted me there fir emotional support but used me as an anger outlet.

He confessed to me it's the most selfish place to be and he's right. He pushed me to my limit and I told him in the end I've had enough it's too much for me now the next day he was alot more chatty and normal. Think at the time he realised he was gunna end up alone!

I just want to say you're not alone. I'm in a very similar situation. No kids involved, but I have a husband with depression. It's gradually becoming worse and we've argued more than ever in the last 6 months. I feel like there's so much distance between us and we have lost ourselves in all the mess. He says I've changed, but I think I've just realised I don't want to live like this and surely there's more to life than this. I deserve to be happy and haven't been for a long time. I've been putting things off because I made a commitment to him, but wonder if it's best for the both of us to break free. It doesn't feel healthy anymore. It's so difficult. Sorry you're going through this.

I have been extremely depressed in the past, still depressed now.

It's in no way my husband's job to fix this, make it better or stay if he was unhappy.

If he's telling you that feeling like he isn't loved by you is part of it he then hes looking to you to make it better by loving him more. That's not fair and it's not possible, even if you still felt love. He is the only person who can improve his mental health.

It’ll do him good to split and move on I think, he’s probably done with it himself but doesn’t know how to end it, which depresses the hell out of him. He’ll get a second crack at the whip and be able to achieve what he’s depressed about not achieving, so help him out and end it.

Whilst I totally sympathise with his situation please think about your mental health and how it's impacting your mental health because yours is just as important as his. Also IF there are children involved the implications it could have on them. Mental health is so hard for everyone involved not just the person going through it. Follow your heart and do what's best for you

I feel like I’m in exactly the same position as you. He suffers with depression due to many events that have happened in his life, and I sometimes feel that he takes it out on me.

It sometimes feels like no one will ever have it has bad as him and even though I have not gone through any of the stuff he has I have had my own troubles in life. I feel that my me mental health is being affected to at this point.

a big part of me just wants him to end it as I would feel a lot better if it somehow was his choice. He got drunk a few weeks ago and actually said what is the point in being together.

I found my ex mental health presentation extremely draining and whilst it wasn't wholly the reason I left him it was a huge factor.

Adult romantic love isn't unconditional - it's an emotional which needs to be nurtured and maintained in a reciprocal exchange. Even partners who receive a high level of care from their partners often reciprocate this as best they can and make their partner feel valued and appreciated. This man isn't doing any of this. No winder you don't love him anymore.

I get the impression this man hasn't been super motivated in getting treatment? Let me guess? Tried anti depressants 5 years ago 'didn't get on with them'?? Doesn't think talking therapy would do anything for him? Not interested in social prescribing and or improving lifestyle?

Don't get me wrong depression is effing awful I've suffered in the past but there are a range of treatment options out there.