Should I quit my job because of a crush?

[Peachylove]

Hey, first time posting so be gentle!

I’ve been with my DH for 7 years, married for 3. We have DC’s. Always been loyal, would never dream of cheating on him, love him to bits. In the 7 years we’ve been together I’ve only had eyes for him, never even had an interest in anyone else.

Until a couple of months ago, when I found myself getting a crush on a coworker. Took me completely by surprise and I’ve tried to just ignore it but I really do fancy him! It doesn’t take anything away from how I feel about my DH, and I would never act on it. But it makes me feel so uncomfortable that I’m a married woman and have a crush on someone I work with.

For context it’s a part time job, we work together 2 or 3 times a week for 5 hours at a time, so it’s not a full time thing where I’m spending all day with him.

Should I quit my job to get away from it? Or is a crush a normal thing to happen sometimes and it will pass?

If you had a crush on your neighbour, are you going to stop leaving the house? We are only humans after all and these things do happen. As long as you don't act on it, everything should be fine. Try and spend less time engaging with him, focus on other things and hopefully it will go away.

I wouldn’t. It’s just a crush. It will probably pass in time and you’ll see him as just an ordinary bloke again.

We all fancy other people as we go life. You can’t keep changing your life to avoid these people as they pop up.

What is it about this man that has caused you to crush on him, do you think?

No of course not. Just don’t act on it and if you really love your husband then it will just pass.

Mmmm. My work crush got thoroughly out of hand and I should have walked away loooong before I did.

A crush is one thing but when feelings get involved it becomes a real issue. Keep a check on your feelings.

Yes leave. Be careful with this and prioritize your husband.
I indulged a crush and it went nowhere. My husband picked up on something, I'm not sure what, but it took him another few years to announce he felt he didn't love me any more, and he felt unloved by me.
I adored my ex H. Still do.
Stamp on the crush hard.

Agree with PP. No need to quit. Just keep yourself in check and the crush should hopefully subside with time. If it doesn't, re-evaluate and just remind yourself constantly how happy you are with DH.

It completely natural to find other people attractive or develop a small crush on someone. Don't beat yourself up, we're all human 🙂

It will pass. Although covid stopped mine (thankfully!)

I wouldn't throw my career away because I felt something for someone I worked with. I'd just shut it down in my own brain. We all have inappropriate thoughts and feelings sometimes, the main thing is to not act on them.

Ask yourself if a man would leave a job to avoid a woman he fancied? Of course not! He wouldn't jeopardise his career or earning potential.

Having crushes is totally normal. I think maybe because it hasn't happened before you seem to think it means more than it does. It will pass, as long as you don't indulge it.

You love your husband, focus on that.

I look back on some crushes I had before and cringe!

Quitting your job seems like a very extreme solution to me but then I don't know how much your feelings are affecting you.

I do think that we are all the lead actors in our own dramas but the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. Unless this man is aware of your feelings and using them to exploit you I'd take a step back and wait.

The Buddhists say that we have feelings but we are not our feelings. Can you try to feel your feelings without identifying with them?

In the end there is something a little immature about crushes. Most people know that the stomach-churning, heart-palpitations feeling doesn't last and is never a good basis for a relationship.

Maybe if you can remember crushes are temporary you can enjoy the feeling a bit more and feel frightened of it a bit less.

Hopefully you'll see him pick his nose and eat it or something and the ick will be bigger than the crush but whatever happens please be patient. There are lots of good reasons for leaving a job but I don't think a crush is one of them.

If all else fails act as if it's all normal even when your face is burning and you've got butterflies and fanny flutters. The great thing about work is that you've always got "professionalism" to hide behind.

I wish you luck. It's a shame to be overwhelmed by it. These things are so rare it would be nice if you could enjoy it without it having to go anywhere.

Thank you for the lovely replies, I thought I was going to be eaten alive!!

I don't know what it is about him that makes me fancy him, he's very attractive in my opinion (and the total opposite to my DH which doesn't help my guilt) He's kind, got eyes that look into your soul and a smile to match. But when I think about it deeper, it's probably because he gives me his time and attention which is something lacking at home and something DH and I have had many arguments about.

I'm not sure if I actually have feelings for him or if he just gives me the butterflies (and fanny flutters @FunkyKittens 😂) we don't spend hours talking on a deep level or anything, we mainly talk about work related stuff. I do think he fancies me too though which is where the danger is - there's chemistry there and the eye contact speaks volumes.

Eye contact doesn't always speak volumes though.

I had a gardener who was, admittedly, gorgeous and who I used to think stared deeply into my soul. I thought I was in love with him and I probably planned our whole lives together a hundred times.

It was only after a few months that I realised that i) he was from a culture that is used to different levels of eye contact to mine and ii) that although he wasn't stupid he did struggle to find the words he wanted so there were often long pauses while we stared at each other.

I was swooning and he was trying to remember the word for secateurs. 😂

@FunkyKittens that really made me laugh 😂

You might be right, he might not fancy me at all and he could just be a flirty person. He is younger than me too so chances are he probably isn't interested! He does seem to seek me out though and I'm the only female he really speaks to, but I could be imagining all this in my head as part of my crush-fantasy 😅

I'm working with him later today, so I'll try to avoid him more

Definitely not. If for any reason you end up alone, you will need those ni contributions.

I think it depends. Don't quit just because you feel guilty, you're not doing anything wrong. But perhaps look for another job if you think the temptation is too much, or if fancying him starts to ruin your day and affect your performance at work.

I had this with a colleague, I was 100% sure that I wasn't going to cheat or in any way hint that I fancied him. But after a while I just got sick of seeing him and having all my attenion diverted to him everytime he walked into a room, and it was annoying and frustrating having to be so on guard all the time. He'd do something normal like rub his thumb agaisnt his lip while thinking of an answer to our manager's question, and my mind would go completely blank. I started doing ridiculous things like lie about the type of music and books that I like so that he wouldn't realise how much we have in common or try to talk to me about non-work stuff. Anyway, I changed jobs not just because of this, but it was a contributing factor.

Crushes are just your brains way of getting it's fix of oxytocin I recon. An indicator of an unmet need type of thing. We can always love our partners to the moon and back, but keeping the bond takes work.

I wouldn't quit work but I'd get some snuggle alone time with husband going on.

I think the concerning part of your post is the lack of affection/connection with your DH.

That definitely left me vulnerable to a connection with someone else.

Actually, from your updates you do need to be careful about this. You’ve identified that he meets a need your H doesn’t -one so deep you have argued about it - and you have reason to think he fancies you too. Those are quite the ingredients for an affair. So if you don’t want an affair you need to take active steps not to indulge your attraction.

And thinking more, maybe this crush is telling you something. That something is wrong in your relationship, there is something crucial to you that is not being met. And that that needs to be fixed. And if it can’t, maybe you need to consider if the marriage needs to end.

I know you say you love your husband, but many women come on here and say that but are blatantly in bad relationships they need to leave.

Anyway, just a thought that maybe the crush is telling you something you need to listen to

I think you should quit when you've found a new job because you are thinking about him so much already beyond a cute lil harmless crush 🙄
For you to wonder this and make a post about it it must beyond a silly crush.

But when I think about it deeper, it's probably because he gives me his time and attention which is something lacking at home and something DH and I have had many arguments about.

And thinking more, maybe this crush is telling you something. That something is wrong in your relationship, there is something crucial to you that is not being met. And that that needs to be fixed. And if it can’t, maybe you need to consider if the marriage needs to end.

I think this applies to me too. I am prone to limerance/crushes and it is soul destroying because I think it is a longing for certain needs to be met which aren't and maybe never will be. I'm sitting back at the moment for various reasons and letting time pass a bit - that's not strictly true because I am also heading into therapy and have highlighted this as one of the issues I am most struggling with. I put it down to being a perimenopausal thing for a long time but the more time is passing, the more I believe it is to do with unmet needs.

Nothing much to advise but yes, if you can work it through with your husband then that's the best starting point. Sadly, I think I've just gone past trying to patch up and repair after a few attempts and I'm in denial about what I need to do but can't press the detonate button.

I think it's limerence a normal silly crush just doesn't preoccupy you like this that you contemplate leaving your job it means it must have got pretty obsessive and consuming. To my mind a fun crush is a little giddy feeling when you see them but that's it, it's fun and light and your life carries on as normal. Limerence is recommended to go NC.