Telling children about separating

[Sarah2505]

I badly need advice.three weeks ago I found out that my husband has been cheating for years. I kicked him out but he has been coming to the house a few times per week until the kids go to bed and then going back to his parents. The kids think he is leaving for work before they get up. My kids are 9 and 6. He has worked away a lot over the last few years so they are used to him not being around much. His mum hasn’t been well so we are saying that he needs to stay there more to help out. They haven’t asked many questions so far.
In my head I want to tell them within the next two weeks so it it is well before the Christmas build up. Family and friends are giving me conflicting advice. Some saying to wait until after Christmas. I don’t know how much longer before the kids ask more questions. I don’t know if I want to wait until after Christmas. I have been so badly deceived and manipulated for years. I am being more than civil. Even asking his family to help him as the level of what he needs makes me think he has physiological problems. Is it too close to Christmas as it is to tell the kids? Do I have enough time so as not to destroy their memories of this time of the year? I can’t make a decision.

Do you know what the plan is for Xmas eve/day yet? Will your husband be at your house with you and the kids?

I think you should tell them ASAP and be ready to explain what will happen on Xmas day (if they ask) and going forward.

I know divorcing parents worry a lot about the "right" time to tell their kids and about inflicting lifelong trauma, but as time passes, your kids won't remember when you told them (my parents are divorced and I couldn't tell you when they told me they were splitting up if my life depended on it).

I would let him stay in the house on Christmas Eve. We would normally go to my family one year and to his the next. Maybe I could suck it up and stay at home on Christmas Day and let him be there. It wouldn’t be much fun for me but maybe just for this year it would make it easier for the kids. I do think I want to tell them very soon though. Thanks for your reply!!

Many years ago now but between the ages of 5 and 6 my mum and dad kept up the pretence that my dad was "working away" a lot. It never made sense to me as he'd still see me maybe twice a week. I kept asking and asking and asking them both individually when he was coming back and eventually my dad shouted at me "I'm not coming back ok!!"

Know this is not the same, but it has made me feel that a direct and honest approach is far better.

Anyway, best to be honest and upfront as soon as possible in my humble opinion. Best to normalise it, rather than creating uncertainty..

Tell them now. This pretence isn't doing anything but putting off the inevitable.

Currently you have 6 weeks until Christmas, which is far too long to keep lying to your kids, and is enough time for them to begin to get used to the split.

The family are probably hoping that the longer you keep up the secrecy the more likely you are to change your mind and let him back.

Tell them now. They probably have their suspicions anyway. Certainly don't tell them eg the week before Christmas.

I would tell them now. And I wouldn't lie about the reason either.

My ex left me for someone else, told the kids he left because I didn't make him happy and we rowed constantly. Kids had never heard us argue so were super confused.

Little one was so angry with me I got bitten and body slammed against a wall and banged my head (by her).

Age appropriate honesty is the best. Avoid hurting them but do not absorb blame where there isn't any - because you are hurting too and you don't deserve that.

I would be telling them asap because how do you know they won't hear whispers of it from someonelse

I think tell them and start separating.

If he has chosen to leave and has ended the marriage i'd stop pandering to him and offering him the life he chose not to have. Why pretend to be a happy family for one night on Xmas day.

Its time to start the new life. There is little point delaying it. Splitting and still spending Christmas together sends really confusing messages for kids.

Of course he should spend time with them over Christmas, but why is it your job to organise and facilitate this. You aren't his wife any more.

Best to tell them soon.

But I think the way in which we tell them, coupled with our own response to the separation can define a lot regarding how they react going forwards.

For example, you're already using words like 'destroy their memories'. Its all very emotive. Of course this is a delicate matter. And right now things are very raw for you but, how you move forwards will be the biggest influence on them.

For example 'daddy and I haven't been getting on so we've decided it would be better to stay in separate houses. I know it'll be a little bit of a change to get used to amd a little sas that we won't all be here every day, but we'll all work together to make it work won't we? Annnnnd the good news is, now youll have two bedrooms...and maybe we can get that puppy here that your dad didn't want!'.

Using positive word choice. Acknowledging that it is sad but not a catastrophe and redirecting to the benefits (eg: happier parents...or the puppy lol).. can make the world of difference.

It's only a huge deal for them if you make it one.

Don’t lie. Don’t pander
Tell the kids the truth sooner rather than later