Has this run its course...? Growing apart but is it worth leaving?

[Snorkers]

HI. Urgh - I've been agoning over this with increasing frequency.

Mid 40s,no kids through choice, got together with husband in 2009 when I was quite the party girl, him 5 years my junior so even less 'mature' at the time. We married in 2016 and have had our ups and downs, but he's a good, decent and kind man overall.

Hence my issue!

When we got togeter I'd been single for along time after a v painful breakup and subsequent depression. My self esteem was virtually non existent and I was out a lot blotting out sadness, unhappy childhood, loneliness etc. However I was picking myself up, gradually discovering who I was and following my curiosity into lots of good things like mediation, yoga, doing things for others, self awareness, went travelling or on great holidays by myself and dicovered really interesting places, developing a career and so on.

He was not into any of that but we both liked to party/drink/get wasted. Whilst a sweet man, he was exceptionally immature and I found it really frustrating. Sex was always a but meh due to his porn habit. A man child, I am making him sound dreadful but we both needed to grow up.

Anyway, we got pissed/built a life together, he moved in to mine, we bought my council house with money from my family, moved a few times, ran a little business together, he grew up and so did i.

Fast forward, here we are and I don't know who I am anymore.

Our sex life is non existent and i don't want it with him anyway. Over a couple of years at the beginning the porn thing really detroyed my desire and even tho he agreed to abstain, and has, it was too late.

I'm a fairly dynamic get up and go person, he's not. I didn;t have a tv when we met and loved it. He pursuaded me to get one, then it was on every evening, just like his mum, now that is the ONLY thing he does except go to the gym or read alone or practice his hobby, which I have no interest in. I just seem to go along wth this. I don't know why. I spend my life doomscrolling and am stuck, I can't get out of this nothing trap and find myself again.

My head was turned recently by an old connection at work. It may have been mutual - I don't know as never pursued it. I left as felt it was a potentially dangerous sitaution (emotionally I mean). I miss him and think of him a lot.

We moved last year into what was supposed to be a dream home - I walked past it so often and it came up for sale at just the right time. It's a full reno project and we were excited having done a house up before (my uncle lent me some money to do it), however this time there's no uncle and I realised pretty quickly that if it's going to get done I will need to plan/do/organise and probably pay it all myself because Mr doesn't have the energy or interest or get up and go for anything like this.

The massive garden needs work, trees trimmed and removed, old sheds taken down. I asked for help and got some but the interest soon wanes. Unless I organise it or ask for it, it doesn't happen.

In the late summer we got a campervan, using my savings of course, he doesn't have enough. Now its leaking and needs various bits doing. Guess who's organising that.

We have a dog who needs care as is becomin disabled. People to come in when I go to the office, deal with the fallout if they ring in sick. Guess who has to organise that, take time off work etc.

My new job is shit so that doesn't help, really stressful and debilitating.

Beyond the dreadful laziness he is kind, caring, supportive (morally at least), does the odd chore if given it. He is a good person, loves me I am sure. But would we get together if we met now? I hear horror stories about online dating from MN women. Is he that bad. How can I get my mojo back with him?

I would hate to leave what should have been my 'forever' home but also dream of being alone in my own little place, independent, losing the shackles of the money pit/reno job that will never get done and getting my life back, whatever that may look like. But is this all a fantasy? I miss my old spontaneity, zest for life, but is that just a young person's thing? Is this what middle age is. Sitting in front of the TV watching box sets every night? I sometimes daydream/fantatise about just ending it all. I wouldn't of course, but I don't want to waste my life like this. I feel so depressed at what started out as a fun, daring and exciting life is now so dull and mundane.

Please tell me your experiences and how you got out of a rut like this.

Thank you for getting to the end!

I was in a similar relationship, he was perfectly decent man, kind and loved me so much but he was just so apathetic about everything. I was always the one to organise, suggest and spur anything on. I get what you mean about the TV too, I never have tv on whereas it was constantly on when he was there, he'd just watch re-runs of old American sitcoms.
Anyway I ended up leaving, I was just exhausted with it all, he was devastated cos he didn't know what he'd done. Nothing, that was the problem.

Life can get pretty boring though, and I think its highlighted when you don't have kids (we don't) there's no distractions so the two of you have to fulfill a lot of emotional needs for eachother. You have to ask yourself is there anything you can do to fix it, and most importantly do you want to.

The usuals will be along soon suggesting peri menopause, a trip to the docs might rule it out, but I wouldn't let it minimise the fact that you may just be really unhappy and need to leave a perfectly ok guy. Being in a relationship isn't be be all and end all

Thank you @Tillybud81

How did you leave? I mean was it painful/difficult? Did you move to your own place? What was the best and the worst thing about your decison?

Right now I'd love to be single, no one else to answer to, own space and time, I'm not a serial relationship hopper so have no concerns there.

Not menopausal, has been investigated.

This has been on my midn for about 5 years now but realise it's prob not going to change unless I can find a new thng/way to try.

You sound like you were always two very different people and you've been so busy that you've only just noticed that you're constantly going, doing, being and he... isn't. You're driving this relationship by yourself and instead of a partner, you've got a passenger.

You're a doer and he's standing still. Which is fine if that's what you want from someone, but I think you're right, the relationship might have run its course.

How finished is the house? Is it worth finishing it before leaving so you get a decent amount of equity to buy your own place? It sounds unlikely that he'll finish the job and a half-done reno generally goes for roughly the same as if you hadn't started on it, in comparison to a full renovation job.

Thank you. I fear you are right. we've barely done anything, solar panels, a woodburner and a few half arsed DIY bits started never to be finished (guess who by!) Could probably tart it up ready for sale without breaking the bank but still quite a mission. There's just so MUCH to do.

Sounds like you've taken on too much and it's worth rethinking everything tbh.

You need to change jobs as a priority, I'd have thought. We spend too much time at work to be miserable there.

I also think you should sell up - it's not really a dream forever home - I think the big project houses you really need not to have a passenger as co-owner.

It's about this age that you suddenly start to think hey, is this how I want the rest of my life to be - I don't think you'll regret making changes.

I left about 6 months ago and, not going to lie, it was terrible. It still is some days. We're trying to sort finances and he messaged me the other day saying he doesn't want to think about it right now and not sure he can cope! The guilt is terrible and still consumes me some days, but he's a very co dependent person.

I was lucky, I moved in with my mum, I'm still with her for the time being until I can sort things.
I'm definitely not happy yet, but I don't miss him and I'm enjoying making my own choices and not someone elses. I know my happiness is in my hands now.

Sometimes we just have to move on, a lot of people have been supportive and said I have to do what makes me happy. Even he's said it

Oh wow, I empathise so much. Although I've been with my DH for around 20 years. At the beginning I had low self esteem and fitted in with what he wanted to do a lot more, but the last few years I've been realising that what I enjoy is very different to what he enjoys. He was always a bit like this, but now he spends most of the day on the sofa or watching TV. I am so much more motivated, our house needs doing up but he won't do anything himself, or pay for someone else to do it. I love to travel, explore, exercise, meet new people, try new things, self development - he doesn't want to do anything and gets anxious going on holiday, so we don't go.

He has said that he wants to retire early and just bumble around at home.

My libido has increased the last few years and his has decreased to the point where he is not bothered about sex at all.

I feel so depressed about it. The problem as well is that we have dc so I feel totally trapped. I spend every evening in my bedroom (we have separate bedrooms) watching YouTube videos as some strange form of escapism. He watches TV downstairs. I dream about having my own place to myself and the dc.

We do sometimes have a good conversation but increasingly i feel that we are coming from different places. He is a sweet guy, but I feel so stifled in this relationship, like I can't be myself or express myself at all.

Like you, I have wondered if I'm just fantasising about a young person's life and maybe this is just what a couple in their late forties does. I sometimes feel that I'm absolutely sure I'm going to leave as I feel like if I have to carry on living this life I don't see the point in living. And then the next day the guilt/ fear/ nostalgia kicks in and I think, oh well maybe its not too bad, I can just distract myself with hobbies and dull the emotional pain with wine.

Sorry - this has turned into a long post! I don't unfortunately have any advice as clearly I'm in a very similar position, just a lot of empathy!

Ah @Saffronblue we're in a really similar place. Today I now feel ah is it that bad (he's at work, I WFH), but I know later the feelings will resurface. They are becoming more frequent and lingering.

God we only get one life - this can't be it, can it?

Hope you find the answers, i guess to change we get to a point where we either snap or meet someone else... And that's decreasingly likely the older I get.

@Snorkers yes I'm like that, when DH is out of the house I start to feel that things aren't that bad, then when he comes back, I start to feel again that I can't keep on in this relationship!

I've actually been speaking to a therapist about this, which has been helpful. She has said that it is very common for women in their forties to start to reassess things - we have often spent all our life "giving" to others - our partners, parents, children, friends - and we suddenly realise that our own needs have been overlooked. She said that women often seem to get more energy and become more outward looking at this stage of life, whereas men often become more inward looking and want to do much less.

I feel a lot of my conflict and frustration is that I feel my needs are not being met at all in this relationship, and in a way for the relationship to continue I will need to keep suppressing my needs. The therapist recommended having a really honest conversation with DH and explain all of this and seeing where it goes. I feel I want to be seen and recognised as a person, give and receive affection, work towards similar goals, put in the work to have a nice home, family holidays, have fun together. If DH basically says that this is not possible within our relationship, and he's not prepared to put in the work for this to happen, then I guess I will have to decide whether or not I can carry on in a relationship where I will be forever frustrated and depressed as my needs are not being met.

It's such a hard decision, as I still feel like i love my DH. I know he is not a bad man, we are just two very different people. I am very attached to us being in a family unit with the dc. I have been feeling conflicted and depressed about this for years. I just need to have the conversation with my DH now!

Hi hope you don’t mind if I give my opinion especially @Snorkers @Saffronblue ?

Im divorcing. I’ve been very unhappy for at least ten years, I wish I’d left eight years ago. My stbxh isn’t a lovely person, he’s a bully.

But I was conditioned to become a version of the person he wanted, and to always put him first.

I think when you’re at the stage of it being on your mind constantly, one day leave, next day stay, then you are already on the leave exit path, unless something changes.

Ive also been seeing a therapist and agree with saffrons therapist. You do get to a stage where you feel it’s all been all give and no take. That your needs/likes and dislikes have been unmet for years.

I’ve offered this advice before. Do both and do both at the same time. Prepare to leave, see wikivorce, know where the money is, get an initial (free) consultation with a solicitor etc, and at the same time initiate the changes you need to stay.

Take saffrons therapist advice and prepare to have a serious chat with your partner and see if he will meet you halfway, (at minimum) and do the work that’s needed as well. Follow that up with therapy, individual and couples counselling and write out agreements you come to.

In a nutshell, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I did it completely wrong. I thought I could endure, but one day I just exploded with the frustration and resentment, and it was over. Since then my stbxh has been running rings around me because I didn’t know where the money was and he has now made sure I never will.

I will also say start making a journal now. It could be that in a years time you are still in limbo and looking back at your journal will help you see if things have got better, worse or the same.

Best of luck, but I reckon you’ll both be leaving, just later, rather than sooner.

Life is so short and I think that becomes very clear in your forties, after the riding the wave of your thirties. Your need to reassess is valid and it's ok to make the changes you need to make if you realise the situation you're in isn't working for you. If you feel your problem is situational then it's really the only thing to do, especially as you don't have any dependants.

I'd be honest with your DH about where you're at. If he says he's perfectly happy to coast along like this into his old age pension without making any changes or showing any comprehension, then you've got to decide if that's where you want to be.

It's ok to change your mind, it's ok to say this is no longer for me, and feel that your life would be better spent in another way.

Your relationship sounds dreary and yes we only get one life.

It's tough isn't it. I'm in a very similar situation to you, we even have the dream home reno project which is all left to me too, so I fully understand how you feel.

I've been with my DP for 21 years, we've been married 11 years, we're both also in our 40's with no children. My DP has always been a good person, kind, funny, good looking but I think age has made me look at things with a new perspective and has definitely highlighted our differences more. Since hitting my 40's, I've started to feel like I'm the only responsible adult in the marriage and it's exhausting and at times infuriating.

DP has depression which is tough on both of us and it's had a big impact on our relationship but there is also a lot of laziness involved (I can tell a bad day and a lazy day). It's not unusual for my DP to stay in bed all day watching videos or lay on the couch watching TV, whereas I'm running around like an idiot which leaves me with little free time. We rarely do anything nice together anymore, unless I organise it and even then my DP gets the phone out.

I still love my DP and we have a lot to be thankful for but I feel the laziness has spilled over into our marriage and I don't feel wanted or a priority anymore, I just feel needed and taken for granted and it's wearing thin. I don't know the answers, I'm trying to muddle through similar but it's not unusual to feel like this in your 40's and your feelings are justified.

@Teaandcakes8 Yep I hear all of that. the laziness I cannot stand. It goes against my very nature and I hate it, but i cannot shoulder everything myself.

@NohusbandThankfully - haha your username says it all. Lucky lucky you.

@ others. We've had the chat, he says he'll change/do more, he does for a bit and then the default him creeps back in. He wants me to write him lists and give him instructions.

No poppet, mummy doesn't live here and I bet you don't tell your boss at work to 'remind me' or to write you out instructions on how to do your fucking job do you.

Even if i do this, or tell him to write the lists himself, he'll do a few things and then will be exhausted, or will sit around after about 3 hours graft resting, or will start in the middle of the day and get nothing done. Then the uncompleted list sits in a drawer until I get a face on/nag/lose my shit again.

I come from a grafting family and that's how we always got ahead and got what we needed, my mum and dad built their own house, learnt whatever was needed to do that, supported 4 kids on one salary.. Meanwhile my husband and his mum are two peas in a pod, they sit around, do the bare minimum and basically their attitude is' I can't be bothered', even when it will benefit them or their situation.

MIL even wanted handouts from me when we made a bit on our last house so she didn't have to work to pay off her mortgage. You can imagine how well that went down 😂Suffice to say MIL does not stay overnight in my home anymore.

No you can't shoulder everything, it builds resentment and over time, it has an impact on your MH.

I like you was raised by get up and go parents. My parents started with nothing but they worked hard and invested money in properties that needed work (on top of their full time jobs). They did the work themselves and eventually their hard work paid off. We were encouraged to help and they taught us so many useful skills, we were always encouraged to work hard and to be active.

My DP's parents are the complete opposite, they have little motivation and spend most of their time watching TV, I don't think the TV is ever off. They're very selfish, have struggled to hold down jobs or give their children stability. My MIL has MH issues, she is emotionally immature, is a hypochondriac and has a nasty temper, so DP had a chaotic upbringing. My DP was determined to be different and in a lot of ways is but I can see the traits and they're becoming more prominent with age.

I often wonder if it's genetic or simply down to how we've been raised.