Living together while separated - how to survive?

[Rainbowdelights23]

H and I have decided to split up but have to live together at least for a few more months. We have a small house and tbh I feel like I can’t take it anymore. But I need to get through and even stay upbeat for the DC. If anyone can offer any tips for how to survive they would be very welcome!

Make a concrete plan to get out of that situation - my parents are still living like this 30 years after divorce

Thank you @secondfavouritesocks - there is a plan! Although can’t happen immediately. Can I ask how your parents ended up like that for 30 years?!

Can you sleep separately? That would be the most important thing for me.

@Rainbowdelights23 Oh wow, someone else too!!

My situation this year has been over and beyond a nightmare. We separated in March (more his desire than mine). I found a property to buy pretty quickly and the conveyancing process began. Long story short there were endless delays & issues, and in the end I chose another property.

I’m not likely to get moved in until January now, which will take it to 10 months since separating!! During all that time, he’s bought me out of our marital home and so it’s now his house, therefore I’m technically just a lodger. I loved my home & garden and so it’s been incredibly difficult seeing him changing things and turning into HIS house.

Secondly it’s come out over these months that there is, of course, someone else, which I’m still finding emotionally hard and very painful. It’s easier logistically & geographically for me to be here for my work, but my god it’s taken me to some very dark lows. It’s obviously not a healthy situation to be in, and although I have light at the end of the tunnel, the time here has kept me from being able to move on in any way.

We have no children at least. I really, truly wish you the very best and I wish I had something magical to say. I tend to stay in my bedroom most of the time because I can’t bear that disconnect he has from me, he’s moved on with his shiny new relationship. I find it very very difficult trying to process that he is no longer ‘my person’, the one to turn to and talk to, the one to hug etc. He isn’t that anymore and yet he’s right under my nose 😔

Your own circumstances may be different, you may both be on the same page about separating or perhaps it was your choice? Or maybe like me the pain and hurt is there and hard to deal with? Either way, I would say have some boundaries about how you co-exist for the time you both have to be there. It’s very easy to become emotional in an environment like this, if you are able to communicate just as and when you need to and keep things as formal and dignified as possible, so much the better.

We have generally rubbed along okay, but have also had some fractious moments. Unfortunately I am beholden on my STBXH to keep a roof over my head so I do have to ‘keep things in’!! Which feels INCREDIBLY unjust😠

Please feel free to share your experience and let us know how things are going - I can truly relate.

💐to you.

@Rainbowdelights23 apologies for the long post, I realised after I posted it!

And yes, as @MaliciaKeys has just said, try and arrange separate sleeping arrangements if at all possible. We had to stay in the same bed for months until we were able to make changes in the house. It wasn’t too bad at first because to be honest it just felt normal, but it got much more uncomfortable as time went on.

I did this for 4 months and it was brutal. I felt on edge most of the time.

Things that helped were having space in the house that was my own and also going to stay at my mum’s with the kids once a week. I also found it liberating to not give a fuck about being polite anymore so if he was being a twat I would just walk out the room while he was mid sentence.

Hello @Rainbowdelights23 , I totally empathize with you and know how you feel as I did this for four months. My ex did not want to tell the kids until the very end, so we had to stay in the same room, but I decided to sleep on the floor, the whole, entire time. It just felt so uncomfortable, the whole thing. I could not sleep at all. Listen to him sleep or toss and turn. I remember that by the end I just could not stand his sent anymore. Also the fear that one of the kids will come into the room and find me on the floor was adding to the stress. Pretending that all is well and filling in the empty spaces in conversation and such. Not sure what to tell you except that it will be hard, no matter what. Hang in there.

AloneAgain2023 can you not stay with family or friends or rent a room somewhere? It sounds like you've got the lump sum from him for your share of the house, presumably you are therefore not paying mortgage or rent? But you are working, so have some kind of income? I think in your shoes, with no DC to house, I'd take on a second job to fund rent rather than live with Ex. It sounds awful!
OP, you are in a more difficult position because of the DC. Who is going to move out? If you can arrange things so that you are not sharing a bedroom with Ex, even if it means sleeping with DC, it might be slightly more bearable, but nothing is going to make it a comfortable situation to be in. Just be out as much as you can be and keep up the boundaries indoors.

Ah thanks everyone, yes we sleep separately thank God! I wouldn’t be able to take it otherwise. We used to sleep apart anyway due to sleep issues so the kids don’t really question it. He is moving out eventually… Sometimes it is okay, even quite nice to still live together, but sometimes I really don’t think I can stand another day of it, it’s so painful even though it was a mutual decision.

@AloneAgain2023 so sorry you are in a similar situation! Agree with trying to move out even to a temporary place if you possibly can, or otherwise roll on January…

Sleep seperately, do as much as you can seperately and be out of the house as much as possible, stay booked and busy and socialise with other people so the "being at home" bit of your life shrinks.

Thanks @GoldDuster . I do this but then find the kids miss me - so I try to stay at home more but then get miserable… can’t win at the moment.

The kids are possibly going to soon be in a position where they're either with mum or with dad, so it's not a terrible idea to start the ball rolling with this, so you can all get used to it, and having a mum who's at home with them but miserable isn't what they need either.

Not sure how old the kids are but can you arrange a few weekends away with them to stay with friends and family, and get them to bed and then go for a quick drink with a friend/a run or whatever?

You'll need all the social support you can get on the other side, start sowing it now so you can reap it later.

Thanks @GoldDuster this is great advice. I just don’t want to be seen by kids as the more absent parent (H never goes out). But you’re right we could go away together. I do have lots of friends and a great support network so I am lucky in that way. I’m trying to go out once a week at present which seems reasonable!

Once a week is really very reasonable at the least, do what you need to do to keep your spirits up, this is a pig of a time and sitting in the house with your ex in another room is probably up there on the list of things you'll look back on and shudder about!