End relationship

[Doorhinge]

I need some advice on what to do with my relationship. I met my boyfriend 4.5 years ago he was married at the time (said he was unhappy), that marriage ended and be moved in with me. He ex was very unreasonable and wouldn’t allow him to see his children for 1 year. Divorce is now finished and she no longer pretends she’s scared of him as she’s had what she can out of him.
now she wants him to have the kids for longer than agreed, take them to drs appointments, clubs etc when not in his agreed time. I’m not happy with that as it takes time away from us and our family.

we now have 2 little girls together, however our relationship has turned difficult, money went missing from my house with I believe was one of his children, they visit my house where we live and just spend all their time on the phone they expect my bf to do everything for them including getting drinks and anyfood. He has to go to 3 different shops to get exactly what they want for lunch.

I am no longer happy in our relationship, his parents say I treat him badly and now exclude me from activities they do together and birthdays (which they invite his ex to now)

I want to get married however he told me he doesn’t want that again. I feel like I am second best to his ex and his children and I am very unhappy. However he tells me I will never cope with 2 kids on my own. Also I am currently on maternity leave however I am paying twice what he pays for mortgage and bills

Wow, just wow. You were the OW and wonder why you are seen as second best?

You reap what you sow.

sorry but you got involved with a cheat and a liar here…..

Your not happy but you want to get married? 🤔

I’m not happy because I feel unwanted and second best

Lol, the irony. Poor you, taking up with a married man and expecting a fairytale.

Twat. His children were there before you and will be after you, his home is their home too. Whatever they need trumps you. They are family and your failure to see that is causing the discord.

If you're unhappy with financial contributions have a conversation.

But you actually seem completely self absorbed and unreasonable so don't actually see that going well for you.

I mean, I don't think you should be paying twice what he is while you're on mat leave. However the writing was on the wall about this man when he cheated.

He should be taking his kids to doctors appointments and clubs, they are co parenting and sometimes you help each other out, even if it's not in your set times. It makes for happier kids. I'm sure the mum is doing a lot more than the dad as he is clearly selfish. You don't sound much better.
What did you expect? Him to walk away from his old family and you replace his kids and ex? You ARE second best to his kids.
He had no respect for his wife. Why did you think you would be different?

He sounds horrible op.

He'll never marry you either btw and you want marriage right? So you're not compatible. Ideally you would have found that out before the kids but I'm guessing you hoped he change for the better.

He hasn't and he won't.

He's even the sort of person that instead of just being a decent human being who comforts and supports you, tells you that if you leave him you "wouldn't cope". Ick.

Your life will likely be miles easier without him. Its probably him who wouldn't cope. As then he'd have to run around after his ungrateful kids all on his own.

You did something wrong and got with a married man and now you are playing the price. Looks like he haz played you off against her quite successfully
(Yeqh I mean how dare she ask him do take his own kids to their appointments..the audacity. I jest).

He makes out women, both you and her, are not allowed to have needs. And convinces you of that too.

You're being played. And played off against her.

Time to wake up and get out.

Probably not so much your treatment of your DP that his parents don't like, more that you were the OW so ended the marriage. 2 DC's in 4.5 years with a married man - what could go wrong, geat idea?
The only saving grace about him is that he runs around after his own DC's when they stay at yours, some would get the new GF to do it all.
How easy it would be to get out of this depends on if you joint own the house or it's yours and he pays you a bit towards it - in which case if you can afford the whole mortgage on your own, just take it on and kick him out.
Neither of you have been smart in life. If you end the relationship, you might get more in child support than the small amount he gets away with paying you now, so you could manage better without him. He on the other hand will have to stump up 4 lots of CS for years so will likely be quite skint - the price he pays for having so many DC's.
Balance the books, see if comes off better without him, then it's a no-brainer. Sounds like you are better off financially than he is, in which case, it's not in your interest to marry him.

Don't worry, he'll run off with the next option as soon as he's bored, then at least you can be second of three instead of bottom of the pile.

No sympathy for people who knowingly get involved with married men, sorry. It's like buying a dog that's known to bite and then being shocked when it bites you.

No sympathy. Suck it up buttercup. You made the bed now lie in it.

(If this is true of course).

My thoughts exactly!

Bloke who cheats on his wife turns out to be a bit of a dick it's hardly a shocker is it?

His ex-wife was hurt and managing her and her children's feelings. She is now doing no more than asking him to step-up as a parent and do some of the mundane parenting tasks, rather than just the fun stuff. That is not unreasonable. Remember, she has been left to run a household on her own. She probably needs to work longer hours to do that with the cost of living crisis. He may be pandering to his elder children a bit, but as they have the moral high ground on the emotional blackmail, if he wants to improve and maintain his relationship with them he probably does have to tread carefully - teenagers (which I am assuming they are if they are glued to phones), will manipulate situations and indeed will just stop coming so he probably just wants them to want to still spend time with him.

In the property you live in, how is the mortgage held, how were the contributions originally decided and when?

On the face of it, there appear to be limited advantages for you in terms of marrying him if you are paying most of the mortgage.

In terms of your husband's wider family, what effort have you made with them? Whatever the truth of the matter, they were always going to initially view you as the "homewrecker", and the onus was always going to be on you to build the relationship with them, and build the relationship between them and their grandchildren through you. Remember, his ex-wife has continued to put in the effort with them for the sake of her children despite the divorce, which is child-focused and quite big of her - I suspect these family occasions are not easy for her. If there were times when both of you were invited, how did you behave towards her and her children in front of them? His family will have been watching and noting those interactions as well. However you actually feel about and around his family and the step-family, when you are with them you have to be putting on a real show of being a lovely, genial person who is kind and loving and welcoming to everyone there and making a real effort in making positive conversation that is focused on learning about them and engaging them (how did DSC's exam/gymnastics competition go.... I heard you went on holiday to Spain.... your houseplants are beautiful, how do you keep them looking so healthy, this pie is delicious, I'll clear the table, can I help with x.... blah blah blah), even if you have been up all night with the baby and feel like rubbish and are frankly having a miserable time at the gathering, or things will not change. If you are grumpy, cold or critical of him in that setting at all, even if it is deserved, they are going to be knocking points off your scorecard and adding them to hers. It isn't fair, but that's the reality.

Why do you think his children from previous marriages should be less important then children you have together? He has a past and other kids, did you expect that would never affect your relationship? If you split and met a new partner would you be happy to put your own children aside?
Him stepping up as a parent has nothing to do with you being second best. He's just doing what parents do. Marriage should be discussed before you had kids together. Attitudes towards importance of getting married vary between people and it's important to find out if you're on the same page.

Blended families are difficult to navigate and it seems like very important discussions and planning ahead just didn't happen.

I would like to end the relationship and find someone else. However when I try he just says he is not going anywhere and I wouldn’t cope or afford to be on my own. I want the relationship to be over but don’t know how to finally do it

This has got be a wind up because surely no woman is thick enough to think she's in the right for wanting her boyfriend, a man she happily nabbed from another woman, to think she's more important than his kids.

You're not more important than his first children OP and neither are the children you've had with him and you'll lose him the same way as you got him. Diddums.

@Doorhinge If you want to end the relationship, just end it! Tell him you no longer want to be with him, ask him to leave and seek advice on what you are entitled to.

I don’t think I am more important than his children and I think ours should be equally important. However I’m reality his children and his ex wife come first

He refuses to leave

And how exactly do they come first? He's not with his wife. He left her for you.
He lives with your children full time while children from previous marriage have to visit between two houses and accept the break up of family unit. You also said he didn't see them much for year because ex refused contact. You know he could have easily get a court order and 50/50 split back then?

I have suspicion that you felt very special when he left his wife and children for you and now that dynamic changed because suddenly he has other commitments and baggage. The reality kicked in.

Also think about all the upheaval his children went through. Break down of the family, losing their dad and barely seeing him, then dad starting a new shiny family in a very short period of time. He probably feels very guilty and rightly so.
This has disaster written all over.
You shouldn't have moved in and made commitments that quickly. You should have figured out all the possible arrangements first, make sure kids from previous relationship are OK and build a trusting, healthy relationship first where at least you can agree on basic things like finances.

Afairs often come with intoxicating feeling that someone is choosing you over their ex but reality is he will have to co-parent with her. And it's not always going to be exactly what you like because so many needs of so many people have to be taken into consideration, including his ex. Why should she have the kids 90% of the time while her cheating ex husband enjoys his new shiny family? Majority of people split 50/50 when children are older. This is something that you should have thought of. I really don't know what you were expecting.

Him pandering to his kids out of guilt, you having different parenting ideas - that often comes with challenges of blended families. That's why it takes so much maturity and communication to navigate them.

You say you want to find someone new. That's fine but don't think it will necessarily make your life suddenly easier. More likely then not you'll have to accept someone who also has a child and an ex. Then that person will have to accept your kids and challenges that come with living with them. Again there will be issues to be solved and compromises to be made and that is not going to happen if you're stuck in the mentality of "poor me, I'm second best".

Exactly.

OP, have you never heard of contraception?