How to get closure and when to do it?

[Onesmallstep67]

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 years. Somewhat out of the blue in the summer he said he didn’t feel he wanted to be in a relationship anymore- with anyone. We had had some issues with sex and intimacy but we got on really well as people. Not living together but firmly connected lives.
We have only exchanged a handful of messages since but when we spoke in September I offered parting as friends and he said we didn’t need to rush into that. We agreed to talk after my overseas visitors had gone. ( end of October, no contact as yet)
It’s about to be this guy’s birthday followed a few days later by the 10 year anniversary of my late DH’s death. I’m feeling sad and stressed and can’t get things out of my head . I know that the relationship is over but my feelings for him are still strong. I helped him out with a chunk of money at times during the relationship and feel foolish (?) that I won’t see that again. I have some personal belongings of his which have to be returned.
So my question- how do I get closure with this guy and how/when do I contact him to get an answer about his stuff?

Ask for your money back and I bet he disappears. He's keeping you on a string...........just in case he needs a bale out.

If you feel the need to send his stuff back then stick it in a box and send it through the mail.

Then simply block every method that he can contact you on.

Closed!!

Was the money lent with the understanding that it would be repaid? As PP said - ask for it back. As for his stuff - he knows where you live. Box it up and shove it in a shed/garage and forget about it.

I'm not sure what sort of closure you are looking for, but I doubt you will get the answers you are looking for or indeed any answers at all. He's moved on. He has been clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, and I suspect that "or with anyone" is just a lame attempt to take the sting out of his dumping you.

If you can afford to write the money off then you need to work on losing the feelings for him - he's waltzed off with your money, dumped you with a lame excuse - time to get angry and take back the control. Message him with your bank details, tell him his stuff is waiting to be collected and if it is still there by x date it will be going to the nearest charity shop. Then block him.

Honestly speaking, do as your name suggests, one small step at a time. I agree with pp even though I doubt you will get your money back but it will help you with closure in terms of knowing that he used you for money and its hopefully a lessor for the future.

You cut him out completely and move on with your life. Trust me, the searching for closure is just hanging on and prolonging the hurt, and will close nothing. Sadness confusion and grief is a natural part of a break up, there’s no magic way to circumvent it I’m afraid, the only way over it is to get through it, and the quickest way through it is a complete clean break.

Oh I didn’t see the bit about the money. Can you afford to write it off? Think it might be tough to get it back. Never lend what you can’t afford to lose.

This

If you can afford to forget about the money then do so. Box up his stuff, if he doesn’t collect before the end of the month then give it to charity.

Ask for the money you leant him to be repaid and for his belongings to be collected ASAP. If he does neither it will tell you exactly who he is and hopefully allow you to move on. As others have said, if he doesn't respond then dump or donate his stuff and block him on everything.

Thank you everyone for your comments. When I posted the other day I was over tired and overthinking- which is something I don’t seem to be able to control at times. When I let my mind go with it I can feel such a range of upsetting emotions but at other times I can stop and see that there is no relationship left and it’s pointless letting it dictate my life. The money is not recoverable and it was given at times of genuine need but it is probably one of the few things that continues to peck at my mind( it was a lot of money in several chunks, not just a few hundred pounds)
I’m going to push through the next few days, it’s his birthday today and my late DH’s anniversary on Monday. I will see what next week brings but I know what you are all saying is true, just always a bit more difficult when it is you that is in the situation.