ExH seeing DC.

[Billybob31]

My ex and I split up around 18 months ago. We have 2 lovely boys, aged 10 and 12 and it's been a difficult and emotionally draining year.

During the last year I have honestly tried really hard to keep things amicable and friendly between us. However, my ex has struggled with depression and has been very up and down. One minute he's angry, the next he's upset, then he wants to try again - this goes on and on.
Recently, it's become clear that he's not that interested in seeing the kids. He'll see them for a few hours msybe once a week, when it suits him. If I ask him to look after them, he just says "no sorry, I'm busy that day". It's like he thinks he's punishing me by not having the boys. He doesn't see it as his job as a Dad.
I'm so shocked at this because I just always thought he would want to see them as much as possible! They have stopped asking about him now, but are happy to go out with him when he turns up.

I can't get him to agree on any schedule, he just texts randomly wanting to see them.
I want my boys to have their Dad in their lives but it makes me so angry that it's all on his terms.
Is it awful If I tell him that he can't see then until he agrees to a schedule?
I want to be able to go out now and again or just have some time to myself but at the moment, ExH will always refuse to have them if I ask for a time that suits me.

Sadly, you can’t force him to have them.

He’s a useless, shit father. I’m sorry. Your boys are lucky to have you.

Thanks, you're right. He's shit.
It's just such a shock to me. He's always been a useless husband, I just can't believe he would be so dismissive of the kids.
I can't belive I chose somebody so crap to have kids with.
I'll never understand how he can see them for a few hours a week and not want to have more involvement in their lives.

I think he sees him having them as helping me out. And he wants to punish me for leaving him.

You have my sympathy.

Is there anyone else in the family who would help mediate? It does sound like he is a shit father and is using childcare to punish you.

Asking him to agree to a schedule sounds like a sensible, reasonable thing to do, but as he is neither sensible or reasonable he probably won’t react well.

You call him an ex, is he an ex partner or husband? If you were married I believe that the courts often deal with the schedule of parental visits. I’m afraid I know nothing of this except to know court is very expensive and ex’s often just trash the schedule anyway. Hopefully someone who has been through this could offer you advice?

The only control you have at the moment is that you can say no to his out-of-the-blue requests if you already have made plans with the boys or have already got the day planned. The only way you can carve time for yourself, is to rely on others or have paid-for childcare. Try and make sure that you keep a written trail of all interactions with your ex, so if needed at a later date, you can prove how unreliable he is.

It is good that you say your boys don’t seem that bothered about not seeing their dad. Your ex is not thinking long term, sooner or later your boys will see what a dead beat he is and will probably want to have little to do with him.

There will come a time when he is old and lonely, but you will be the one surrounded by a loving family. Imagine a Christmas in the future sharing it with your sons, DILs and grandchildren and your ex nowhere in sight.

I would not facilitate him seeing the boys if he can't arrange and keep to a regular schedule. If he called and asked to see them at a time that suited me I'd go along with it but chances are it would rarely suit me.
In the meantime I'd make alternative babysitting arrangements. There are services such as Sitters that can provide a vetted babysitter to suit you. You deserve to be able to get on with a social life and I'd assume he will not be part of any arrangements to facilitate that.

Maybe do something like give him set times/days he can have contact. Like say, "Hey Ex, this lack of routine for the boys is unsettling for them, so in the absence of a suggested schedule by you, I'm only going to facilitate access on Wednesday evenings from x o'clock and EOW from x o'clock. If you have an alternative schedule which would fit in, we can consider it and negotiate something mutually satisfactory, however I'm not happy to continue ad hoc." Then go out or tell him it's not convenient if he tries for contact at other times than agreed.

I don't think you should say I won't let you see them until you agree a schedule, but you can set one and stick to it, and if he doesn't take it up at least you're covered if he took you to court, because you're offering reasonable access.

Thanks.
He is my ex husband, we still aren't officially divorced but are nearly there (I hope).
I don't really want to involve solicitors and courts because it costs so much and ultimately, if he doesn't want to see the kids then it's up to him.
I feel like he wants to stop me having a life and this is one way of doing that. He's given no thought to how it affects the kids.
I think I've been trying so hard to keep he peace that I've let him wall all over me and I want to take a stand.
I'm getting more resentful as time goes on. He's living his best life, going out, seeing friends and working part time. Whereas I have to work full time and im also doing everything for the kids etc

Im getting to the point where i want to tell him to fuck off and leave us alone!
But I think the right thing to do is ensure they see him, as long as its convenient for the kids. I'll also keep asking for a regular, arranged contact.
At least in the future, I'll know I've tried my best to do the right thing.

Well no, you can't take him to court to make him see the kids, it's only if he claims you won't let him see them and threatens to take you to court.

I think you're better off telling him a schedule and letting him take or leave it rather than keeping on asking.

I've tried telling him. I've written a schedule - every other Wednesday eve and a Sunday afternoon.
I've asked him to come up with a schedule. He just says No to both options! He says he doesn't have to do what I tell him.
Then I get a random text asking to see them. If I say yes, I'm showing him that he doesn't need a schedule. If I say no, I'm stopping contact!

Only according to his narrative.

Fuck that - try this

"Hi ex nobhead - just to let you know if the boys mention Andy when you next see them it's not my new boyfriend it's a really lovely babysitter I've hired. So I can go out and meet my new boyfriend Steve"

Bet he kicks off and says he doesn't want random Andy looking after his kids and asks to have them more.

NEVER tell him there's no Steve.

I have exactly the same. I always imagined my ex would want to see my son as much as possible - he wanted 50:50 split before I moved out. However it was immediately apparent after I left that he was obsessed with the idea of "not helping" me by looking after our son. He would only have him occasionally if I was at work and he would be dropped on my doorstep I was due home - he was desperate not to allow me free time.

He's only had him for about 3 nights in 3 years, mainly when his mum is there - I think it's pressure from his mum when it happens.

if I ever ask for a specific date it's a no, he's busy. It has to be his suggestion. I have no control. Absolute refusal for a regular arrangement. Disappears for weeks at a time.

I work in family law. On the basis of his inconsistency, you could refuse contact until he agrees to a regular arrangement. You could refuse contact other than a specified arrangement suggested by you until he applied for a court order.

I considered all of this but knowing how important even the occasional contact is to my son, and knowing that he loves to see him when it happens - I have decided to live with it. I knew that forcing my ex's hand would mean that he stopped contact altogether.

I try to explain to my son that his dad loves him but sometimes doesn't want to see anyone at all for weeks (this is true) - I try to emphasise to my son that it's not about him. Now my son is 11.5, I refuse to give explanations to my son about his dad's absences - I tell my ex to explain himself.

its a very hard thing to manage, no clear cut answers. I have the reward of a very close relationship with my son, while my ex will always have a distant, insecure one.

Make a schedule in your head that suits you. Slots that suit you. And he can plan around that. Make it fair to start so (as long as it doesn't impact school etc as I'm not sure how far your ex now lives) kids available mon/weds/Fri nights and then all say Sat or Sunday.
That way when he asks rather than point blank refuse you can say 'not today as they are at club/we have pizza night but they are free tomorrow' etc

My dd lives with me but her dad has her;
Tues eve for tea only
Thurs eve for tea only
Saturday after a club that finishes at 11am or 2/3pm if I take dd out and then I pick her up 4pm Sunday. (We alternate Saturdays where he grabs her at 11 or I drop her at 2/3 so I still have a lovely morning, do something like cinema/bowling/play park and lunch)

We live 10 mins away so this is feasible.

If he won't give you a schedule, you give him yours. There will be pushback but its the best you can do before you actually end up having to go to court.

It probably seems pointless but schedules and record keeping will be important if you ever go to court so make one, send it to him and keep all notes and texts and things he sends in response.

I know lawyers can be expensive but it might be worth stumping up for a couple of hours of someone's time to formulate a way forward that causes you minimum stress (1 hour for them to read background / documents and 1 hour for you speak with them). Write down all the points you need answering so you don't miss anything and send as many of the questions as you can to them in advance. If you're paying for the time you'll want to make the best use of it.

I'm a lurker who only joined recently and I'm no expert on these things. Probably most of us only have our own specific experience. It's better to know where you stand and what the consequences will be before you lose your temper and just tell him to eff off.

Schedules and effort on your part and EVIDENCE of those schedules and efforts will stop him from lying and make the judge sympathetic towards you.

Even to co parent you need his consent and willingness.

He proved to me just a seed sower not a seed grower.

Choose some other options.

He ain't worth your brain and beauty.

Much love to you

JVD.