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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP messaging his ex

35 replies

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 12:05

Hi, please be gentle, i am really confused as to what to do.

I am 46, met someone 2 years ago online. We don’t live together, have no plans to in the short / medium term, but have a stable and fulfilling relationship. I love him, and i really value his presence in my life. He is committed, i know he is not cheating on me or interested in other women (not why I love him, but it is relevant!)

BUT I am really bothered about one of his relationships, and I can’t work out if IABU…

He is friends with one of his ex. I would have no massive issue with it, but the way he is managing this relationship is ringing alarm bells for me.

The first time he mentionned her, he spoke about very specific sex toys she likes to use. I said I was extremely uncomfortable with him having this kind of conversation with another woman.

A few months later, i saw a message popping on his phone, a reply from her to a message where he was saying he had a wild morning of sex planned (with me). I got very upset, wanted to end things at the time. I felt betrayed and was really bothered by what felt like quite an inscestuous relationship. He promised me he would not talk about anything to do with sex with her again.

I then realised they were communicating very frequently (often several times a day) and felt really insecure about it. I told him so, said I would like to meet her.

He agreed. Nothing happened. That was in January

He had a really difficult few months, lost his job so wasn’t doing great financially. I knew organising dinner out was problematic for this reason, so I left it. Because he hasn’t been mentioning her, I assumed their message exchange was not quite as frequent.

Turns out I was very wrong. They are still in touch, several times a day from what I can gather. He made a comment about her last week (he never usually mentions her) and I asked questions, this is how i found out.

I told him this morning I was at the end of my patience. That i feel his way of dealing with this situation is to wait for the storm to pass and not change anything, and I don’t want to carry on this way.

As much as I think the intensity of this relationship is inappropriate, I also know he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me.

He is the best partner I have had, we have a great level of intimacy and I am completely lost as to what to do.

Thabks for reading, any advice would be much much appreciated…

OP posts:

LucyvanderPelt · 08/11/2023 12:14

You say that he would never do anything to hurt you, but he is doing something he knows hurts/upsets you.

I think the fact that he is having that much contact with her quietly, obviously hoping you won’t find out about it, is really worrying. I wouldn’t be happy about his relationship with her. You’ve already told him you’re uncomfortable with it and he hasn’t made any changes as a result of your conversation(s). If you speak to him again it’s likely he will continue to contact her secretly… It’s up to you how you feel about that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2023 12:25

If this man is the best partner you've had I am wondering about your relationship history to date (perhaps one shit show after another) and what you actually learnt about relationships when you were growing up ( a shedload of damaging lessons).

Indeed this man is and continues to do stuff that hurts you. Remain at the end of your patience and end the relationship. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. His ex and he remain in contact daily and they're not over each other. How is he actually committed to you; the short answer is he is not. Be someone's priority rather than a mere option and value your own self a lot more. Your boundaries seem to be so pitifully low to have at all accepted this till now.

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 12:49

I am extremely unhappy about this relationship.

I don’t know if I am upset about this because of my own insecurities or if it other people would feel the way I do about this.

He is honest when I ask him questions, I really do not think he would ever deny this relationship if he chooses to carry on with it and I asked him questions.

I guess part of my question is… is it reasonable to tell your partner a specific friendship is off limits…

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 08/11/2023 13:36

is it reasonable to tell your partner a specific friendship is off limits…

In short, no.

However, I would feel this ongoing relationship with his ex to be completely inappropriate and disrespectful so I would end it on the basis that his boundaries aren't aligned with mine; that he isn't respectful of his relationship with me; and that I wouldn't want to live my life constantly monitoring his friendships and worrying on this way.

You say you know he wouldn't cheat but he is betraying your trust which is actually the issue with cheating. The acts themselves are less important.

If I found out someone had discussed my sex life with their ex, they'd be gone immediately. I'd also not be interested in someone who didn't realise that talking about their ex's preferences in sex toys was inappropriate. That's not really on it? And would probably cross her boundaries too!

He's loose lipped at the very best, isn't he? I wouldn't trust him tbh.

Specso · 08/11/2023 14:06

As much as I think the intensity of this relationship is inappropriate, I also know he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me.

I mean this kindly op but I think you’re being a bit naive here. You don’t know that and he already is hurting you with this inappropriate contact with her. Don’t bury your head, it never helps you in the long run.* *

Viewfrommyhouse · 08/11/2023 14:09

How did the topic of her favourite sex toys come up?

SamW98 · 08/11/2023 14:24

From my experience, my last partner had an ex who was still his ‘bestie’

Within a fortnight of us splitting, he was back with her.

Ok it might not be the same in your case but the red flags are there imo.

GreyCarpet · 08/11/2023 15:08

As much as I think the intensity of this relationship is inappropriate, I also know he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me.

Yet, yubstarted a thread here precisely becaise he is doing something that hurts you.

He might not have set out with that intention but knowing it hurts you hasn't stopped him, has it?

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 15:14

Thanks @GreyCarpet that sums up very well where I am at…

I keep thinking it is ridiculous to put messaging someone on the same level as cheating, but I can’t get over the breach of trust.

I think his boundaries are f*ed up BUT I would be willing to try to find a way to work things out if he is willing to recognise it and work on it.

And I absolutely hate being in a position where I have to tell him that he needs to choose.

OP posts:

SpringleDingle · 08/11/2023 15:14

But he IS hurting you and you've told him that. My boyfriend's best friend is female and he speaks to her often but it's not multiple times per day and he would NEVER divulge our sex life.. yuck! Your DP crossed the line big time and when you told him it upset you he has just continued to do so.... He is a wrong-un.

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 15:19

Thanks @LucyvanderPelt I do find it worrying too. I am not sure it is just that he hopes I won’t find out.

I genuinely think he thinks there is nothing wrong with it and that not talking about it means it won’t upset me, so problem solved.

OP posts:

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 15:21

Really sorry to hear that @SamW98 that must have been really upsetting

OP posts:

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 08/11/2023 15:23

Oh he knows. He is living his best life, isn't he?

Talking sex with one women he has been intimate with; talking to her about sex with another woman he is supposed to be in a relationships with. He's jacking off to both of you too, I would presume!

He sounds extremely emotionally immature and you are trying yourself in knots because he talks nicely to you sometimes!

How could you ever trust him again?

Blech!

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 15:23

Yes your are right @Specso and I don’t want to pretend this is not happening or that I am ok with it. I was very very clear with him this morning that either we could find a way to solve this (and other than the messaging stopping I can’t really think of one), or that I am out

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 08/11/2023 15:26

He is lying by omission. He knows you are not happy. He is disrespectful discussing your sex life.

It may be that the friendship is or isn’t an Emotional affair. But chatting about sex toys is unacceptable (my opinion and others will disagree). You will never 100% know the motivation. He may be getting ego kibbles by being in constant communication with this woman. He may be trying to make her jealous. They may have phone sex three times a day. It may be an emotional affair. What you do knjw is that you are unhappy with the lack of boundaries he has around this women and that is okay. Own it.

I recommend reading Shirley Glass ‘Not just friends’. It may help you understand why you are not comfortable with this situation. I too would not like this if I wanted a serious relationship. Discussing our sex life - not a chance. I couldn’t be bothered wasting energy on him. This chap is not life partner material. His avoidance of the topic (hiding under the rug) is bad enough.

2 years in, no house, no kids - it’s a no brainier chuck him back in the pond.

FairyMaclary · 08/11/2023 15:31

Just read your update.

Would he like you talking to Joe your ex about what vibrator you are going to use tonight and how you are going to dress up for sex later. Of course he wouldn’t (unless it gets him off of course). Can you even imagine doing that? If you can imagine doing that. Would you continue when your boyfriend said I’m upset about that?

Some women may like this but I imagine it’s discussed as part of their sex life. Not done hidden in the basement when no one is watching. He’s sneaky and sly and that’s part of the prerequisite to being a cheater.

Your values don’t align. You are not suited.

He’s a dick - dump him with style.

Original poster

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 15:35

Thanks for the recommendation @FairyMaclary have just ordered the book.

We are both way way past kids, am 46 and he is early 50s. And we don’t want a house together, I have no issues at all with that. I want my own kids to have space in their own home that they don’t need to share with someone else, and my time with them to be just with them. It might change at some point but for now and the next few years, I wouldn’t want any different.

I think it is the ego boost thing. And it really bothers me that he needs that from someone else.

He is definitely not having phone sex. But yes, I have massive issues with the lack of boundaries, that’s for sure.

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 08/11/2023 16:00

Ego boosts for validation. He’s not a safe bet for you. Anyone who cannot self validate, requires ego boosts to fill their void is not a safe partner. Combined with sneaking and lying by omission you are in for pain further on down the road. The selfishness of continuing to do this despite knowing you are uncomfortable shows where his priorities lay.

You can’t fix a person like this by loving them correctly or fulfilling their needs. He has a bottomless hole he cannot fill. Until he chooses to fix his problem he isn’t someone to join you in life.

If he did cheat you would look back at these warning signs and see them as little flags waving in the wind.

It’s great that you were unsure as that means your twat radar is working!

Love yourself like your life depends on it is a very good read. If you struggle with self love it has precise steps. It got me out of a dark hole a while back.

SamW98 · 08/11/2023 16:05

Yesicandothis · 08/11/2023 15:21

Really sorry to hear that @SamW98 that must have been really upsetting

It was but it priced what I probably suspected and tried to ignore.

Now it’s the biggest relief ever. He’s moved on to someone else so I bet she gets the same BS too.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 08/11/2023 16:11

As much as I think the intensity of this relationship is inappropriate, I also know he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me.
But he is hurting you. You’ve laid out perfectly normal, healthy boundaries which he has understood and agreed, and he is STILL disrespecting you by walking all over them. You can tell you are hurting just by your words alone.

If he loved you he would stop.

At this point you either accept he will always have a sexual connection with this woman be forever will be messaging her inappropriate messages, or you leave. You’ve gave him the chance to decide and he has shown you what his priorities are. You need to decide what yours are.

christmascrackle · 08/11/2023 16:18

Is he Australian? This is a weird question I know but the only other time I have come across this was with an Australian friend who had VERY frank conversations with her brother which seemed totally inappropriate but maybe is an Ossie thing??? Sorry all Australians...

LifeExperience · 08/11/2023 16:28

He is either having an affair, physical or emotional, or he wants to. He is not over her, which makes him a twat for being in a relationship with you.

You deserve better, OP.

Beanie567 · 08/11/2023 16:36

Well, she’s not an ex is she? Are you happy to share him?

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 08/11/2023 16:38

Wow, OP. You must’ve dating some absolutely pond scum to think this piece of garbage is a good boyfriend. He sounds awful.
He’s a creep with no respect for you, her, or in maintaining healthy boundaries. He probably talks to her about your sex like to make her jealous as a way of keeping her on the periphery too as his loyal back-up option. I literally cannot think of a single other reason this would be appropriate to discuss with someone outside your relationship, least of all an ex!
If he hasn’t cheated on you already, I promise you he will. He lives on a very slippery slope. Dump him and don’t then be surprised if he’s suddenly back together with her soon after. He’s got her in the wings for when he decides you aren’t meeting his needs anymore.
And raise your bar. He’s vile.

huggyhoo · 08/11/2023 16:47

I would bin him off. He's not able to maintain appropriate boundaries with this ex which js why you are feeling insecure. He's not honest and transparent about the contact either.

He's not treating you with respect you here. And I expect if you tell him this he will say you are not treating him with respect by being suspicious/mistrustful/anxious/blah blah and twist it back on to you.

Listen to your gut and get rid

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